Hoarding The Beginnings

I grew up with the bare minimum, shopping from the sale racks for basic necessities.  While my classmates had school supplies with the latest Sanrio characters my materials were without adornment.  They would return from Winter & Spring Break wearing new clothes (that their grandparents had gotten), but I had no one spoiling me with material possessions.  The day after Spring Break the most popular girl in elementary twirled in what she called her “Easter dress,” proudly sharing with everyone that her grandma had taken her to Robinson’s May to pick it out.  My grandparents lived in Mexico and I rarely got to see them and when I did my parents were usually the ones providing for them…  My parents too grew up in Mexico sometimes lacking the basic needs.     

I lied on a job application and began working when I was fifteen-years-old as a cashier at a fast food joint.  Since, it's as Tupac would sing, “…I love payin’ rent when the rent’s due…”  Most of my life I would go to stores and look at items and think I can’t afford that and probably never will, but soon as I began providing for myself I began to buy the material luxuries that I went without. However, I couldn’t make peace with paying so much money for designer pieces and often I went with cheaper versions.  Until, I came into the world of buying preloved items.  At thrift stores I found treasures for a few bucks and thus my hoarding began.

I developed this love for things.  Shoes first because no matter what size the scale reads shoes are forgiving and continue to slide on the foot. That and the fact that I always saw kids wearing Nike sneakers and mine were always dupes.  As an adult secondhand shopper, I packed my closet full of the best material goods that only a few people can afford.  The thrill of excavating and finding the one-dollar Jimmy Choo’s was as much fun as putting the found treasure in a nice storage box in my closet.  Looking at all the wonderful designer goods and buying more and more made me happy for the longest time, but now my possessions are starting to give me anxiety.  I have too much and many of the items just sit like forgotten artifacts in an over packed closet.  Yet, equally anxious ridden is the thought of letting them go.  I think I have some hoarding symptoms that I need to work out in order to slowly simplify my life as I enter into the cadency phase of my (over-extended) Secular Franciscan process...           

Seriously who needs this many sunglasses?

Our First Snow Day

I went to the snow for my first time in over twenty years!  My first time was during my high school’s Senior Ditch Day.  Four of us drove up to Big Bear and found a cheap place near the bottom of the mountain to play in the snow.  I had my Nike sneakers on and I recall how wet my feet got, but even without the proper wardrobe seeing the snow for the first time was such a joy!  I, like many of my childhood friends didn’t grow up in families that made these trips or got to experience the many holiday adventures that other kids got.  I was from the barrio, living in a two-bedroom apartment with eighteen other people- our fun was going to Thrifty’s drugstores after Easter or Halloween with a couple bucks to raid all the holiday candy on sale.  My social highlights were weddings and quinceañeras were I sat on a chair taking care of the kids that fell asleep because the parties lasted way past their bedtimes. 

Now as an adult, I like to do things to make-up for the many experiences that I didn’t get to have.  Hitting the snow yesterday was such a joy to the little deprived child inside.  We went to Mount Baldy because it was close enough and didn’t require me to get chains on my tires. While there wasn’t as much snow as I hoped it was still such a delight to be out in nature.  My friend and I had quite a laugh riding the lift up for our very first time, because we got on the bench without directions and forgot to pull down the safety bar.  The park attendant was screaming at us to pull it down as we were quickly moving up the mountain.  After pulling the lever down we laughed terrified at our ignorance.

At the top we got to participate in snow tubing.  Though mostly parents with their children were the ones on this part of the park, my friend and I had a blast being children. Sliding down and then making the trek back up left us winded, but in a good way.  Due to Covid we were there with only a small group of people, thus we were able to go down the snow slide as much as we wanted.  Then we took a little break to build our very first mini snowman.  Working with the snow trying to shape a little figure was again an experience full of laughter.  I think for both of us it was our first making a snowman.  We finally, traded the idea of a hot chocolate for local ale and enjoyed the white mountain beauty as we sipped our beers.    

High Heels No More

Do you ever feel like wearing high heels? 

I do. 

Especially right now that I don’t have any type of social life. I look at my closet filled with shoes that would make Cinderella jealous, but they are parked lined like boats on a dock.  Even when things are normal and I have more places to go to most of my two-hundred pairs go unworn.  Some are so beautiful, but way too painful or come with a silent warning of "possibility of falling."  I took the risk of falling for the pure joy of wearing the towering beauties, but much has changed.

It all began with me falling down a staircase twice, while wearing what I considered to be sensible four-inch platforms or more commonly known as wedges.  Both incidents happened when I had my office job, I was coming down the stairs and forgot to hold on to the railing and I fell - my butt hitting the stair and one of my wedge sandals flying towards a civilian that was on the lower floor.  My embarrassment over the flying shoe made me jump back up from where I had fallen, hoping to grab the predator shoe before it caused more harm…

The second incident occurred on those same stairs a month later with a different pair of wedges.  Again, I was walking down the stairs, this time the shoes remained on my feet, but there were more people around who suppressed laughter in trying to help me get up from the floor.   Since, I have lost my confidence, my high heel mojo is gone. 

The nail on high heel coffin, came when in Mexico I sprained my ankle.  I went into my grandmother’s room to kiss her good morning and inform her that I was going to Sunday Mass and when I stepped outside of her room, this fickle stair played a trick and my ankle snapped followed by great pain.  It was Sunday and in the small pueblo doctors' offices were closed so I had to go to the emergency room where I was told that it was only a sprain and not a fracture.  After, I returned to the States I visited my doctor for more scans and the diagnoses was the same.

However, since that sprain I can’t tolerate heels over three inches.  Which means that I will have to part with many of my shoe friends.  My lifestyle even before the pandemic was one more consistent with flats, so though my mind knows that heels are no longer my go to, my heart just doesn’t want to part with a beautiful artistic shoe lifestyle.  Thus, I have created a Pinterest page so that I can store my beloved heels in a special place, so that even if they leave this home their memory will live on…  

To be continued… 

Real or Fake

I don’t like fakes and in my line of shopping I come across quite a few.  Usually, if they are a few bucks, I buy them and then write replica on the inside lining with a Sharpie and donate it again so that people will know the truth.  So that there won’t be an eBay victim who over pays for a fake.  Recently, I came across a Fendi Baguette at Salvation Army that I bought it to show you some steps in authentication because I do own a real one.  To the untrained eye looking from afar it can pass as the real thing, but a closer inspection reveals that it’s a fraud.

Take these two purses that look almost identical, on the right is the real piece and on the left is the replica.  On a closer inspection...

Let's start with the material, the brown jacquard fabric with the FF motif begins to unveil the truth. On the left fake the F's are bigger and the material is rough to the touch.  

True Fendi engraves it's hardware on atleast one side, the replica doesn't have any of these details.

When looking at the zippers, the true Fendi below shows a higher metal quality zipper.

Finally there's usually a serial number inside the bag that corresponds with the model of the bag, where it was made and the date it came into production.

When I find a designer piece at a thrift store, I am extremely critical and have done enough research to be a pretty good authenticator...  I don't like lies in my own fashion choices and it's only more true that I despise them in more crucial parts of my life.  So, if I have the means I buy the fake and write replica on it before donating again so that other's not so keen buyers won't get taken advantage of.       

What I Have Recently Learned

 Sometimes it’s difficult to be kind to ourselves…  It has now been a year of distance learning and it’s been personally such a rollercoaster for me.  I’ve struggled to leave my bed and take the few steps to my computer and turn on the camera to begin my school day.  Many times, the persistent feeling of failure has stayed with me like the strong scent of a skunk lingers in the air.  I’ve had my lot of meltdowns, of feelings like I couldn’t go on, but small rays of light shined thru to push me forward in this anxiety ridden path.  I have struggled with trying to lead the ship to shore always feeling like a failure for the mediocre level of teaching I am doing.  Yet, the more time in isolation I have come to realize that all schools are aware of the deficiency in learning taking place due to distance learning.  Perhaps, this awareness has taught me that sometimes for a teacher academics become secondary and the primary goal is just one of connection. Of overcoming the uncomfortable life on camera to bring to the many homes a beacon of hope, “My dear student, I am here and I care.  While life might be a chaos, in this space I am here because I love you.”

After Christmas Break, I was dreading going back to virtual school because I knew that soon conference week would be upon me and I was terrified that the parents would validate the feelings of failure that I have had all these months.  I was afraid that during each meeting I would get a reprimand from each parent on the shortcomings of this introverted, quite private person trying to work in atmosphere so unnatural to who I am.  I was waiting for them to say, you could be doing better, you could be doing more, my daughter/son deserves the best.  Yet, as I welcomed each parent to my virtual classroom I was surprised by the love that poured from the other side of my screen.  Parent’s thanking me for my work and sharing how much they have appreciated me working with their kids.  One parent said, “My daughter has had so many teachers, but with you it’s been so different- you really get her.  You have reached her after others couldn’t...”  The compliments just continued throughout the week as I met with parent after parent and my heart filled with love and gratitude because we all need encouragement.

When I went back to teaching, my motto was I want to show all kids that I come across the love of God.  Before anything, I want them to feel special, secure and loved when they are around me- then I will teach.  During distance learning I had to be reminded to try to do the same in this setting.  I got so focused in the quality of learning (which I feel like I am failing) that I forgot how important it is to connect with the students.  Now, I see that the parents too see that sometimes academics are secondary to having a teacher that truly cares and loves their kids.  My nephew only confirmed this when he shared with me how little he is learning at school, how even his honors classes are “a joke” as he put it.  In the end the quote says that in looking back what we will never forget is how others made us feel.  Perhaps, during quarantine we as teachers can only walk away with peace knowing that our primary goal is social and emotional connection, to turn on our cameras and say I am here, I care.     

Who are you quarantined with?

Who are you quarantined with? 

I am fortunate to be in the presence of my immediate family during this pandemic.  In times of difficulty it really does matter the people that are with us.  My parents have been my rock, they have helped me maintain a positive attitude especially during a few months that I thought I was slipping into an old familiar depressive state.  Their laughter echoes throughout the house, a joyful sound that I have grown accustomed to.  Since, working from home I have been able to have lunch with them daily just the three of us (well four if you include a black-shadow-of-a-wolf called Francis) and those interactions have allowed me to know them more deeply and for my admiration only to increase.

Lately, though things have been a little difficult for them.  While Covid remained a background worry, these past weeks the virus has claimed the lives of people close to us.  First a childhood friend of mom’s and a couple weeks later my aunt.  These losses hit my parents deeply, I could see the pain mixed with fear in their eyes.  In our culture, it’s important to be present in times of trouble – but due to Covid restrictions and overall the danger of travel for people their age they were unable to accompany my family in Mexico for burial services.  This inability to come together in times of pain really hit hard. 

Yet, we are lucky.  We have one-another.  In the first months of this life changing pandemic I was the one battling with my mental health and my folks were the ones helping me stay afloat.  Now that things have turned, I find myself offering them a little silliness to lighten the bleak times and coming with creative alternatives to show our support even from a distance. 

If anything, this past year of isolation has shown me that we can’t make it on our own.  We all need others to help us in our journey.  Connection with each other is what makes life worth it.  While I have missed the freedom to go out wherever and whenever I want – I have been in isolation with my best people.  In times like these, that’s the biggest blessing.

Today Was A Good Day

It was a good week.

I never imagined that my first year back as an educator would be hijacked by virtual learning.  In my arsenal of preparation, I did not plan for a pandemic, quarantine or teaching with a camera to students on the other side of the screen.  It’s super uncomfortable for this camera-shy gal, to spend my days in front of a camera.  My dreams all take place behind the scenes, yet this national crisis has me daily teaching, motivating, inspiring kids to continue working on towards graduation.  Some days I struggle to leave my bed, knowing that I have to turn on my camera and work in isolation trying to bring feelings of unity and hope to my kids.

In in-person learning, I can read the class, I can see when I am losing my students or when they are excited and really capturing the lesson; but, in virtual learning I speak into this black abyss and am not sure how the students are doing.  Since, I have issues being on camera, I empathize and do not require my students to have their cameras on unless they want to.  This means that most turn theirs off.  Yet, I have noticed that they participate more when their cameras are off.  On days that I don’t have technological issues I rejoice – but most days I find that my internet lags, or that some kids can’t open a document, or that the platform I use is failing to function and I spend my time trying to fix these technological issues that learning seems to happen very little.  I used to struggle with the drop in learning that this pandemic has caused, but I have learned that just showing up to class and being there for my kids is the big lesson.  Forcefully turning on my camera and being present is me letting them know that they have someone who will show up no matter what.

Virtual learning is not as rewarding, but there are days that even all the challenges cannot keep some good from reaching me.  This week, I had a student who on her first day of class arrived crying.  She suffers from severe anxiety and this past year I have watched her grow and become more confident.  This week she surprised me when she joined our virtual run club and two Direct Instruction classes.  She has blossomed from an insecure girl, terrified of others into a student doing extra while working towards her high school diploma and college.  She and I have developed a deep bond and watching her excel has been such a victory…

Then I have another kid, a teenage mom and she is always sending me picture of her baby, now six months old.  When she sends me updates on her baby, I can’t help but feel so darn special!  I met her when she was pregnant and to watch her blossom into a mom while continuing her education has been a joy.  Sometimes I get so focused on the technical aspect of my job, that I miss how much my students are developing and achieving great things even in this challenging time.

It took me almost a year to get into distance learning, but now I am starting to see beyond the challenges and see the fruits of this difficult process.  

Agape

 Do you love me? Jesus challenged Peter with these words three times.  Each time challenging Peter to a deeper love and just like Peter each of us go through life learning to love to a greater capacity.  We are in a love university which ends with death as our graduation, meaning that as long as we have breath we need to grow in love. 

In our teenage years we begin to dabble with love and our emotions take high precedence, but to remain with that definition of love is to not uncover the real gift and only be satisfied with the wrapping.  Yes, love makes us feel supreme, there’s no greater high than to love and be loved; but emotions are capricious and fleeting.  Feelings are here today and gone tomorrow, but true love remains.  Love begins the moments that emotions subside with action and dedication.

I look at my father’s garden.  Everyday he is out there tending, pruning, watering… Yet, when he travels to Mexico for a month or two his garden browns and withers.  In order, for his garden to give its natural beauty it requires a lot of attention. A lot a of action from the hands of its gardener.  If the care stops death comes to all those flowers. 

God in His infinite wisdom made us stewards of His creation.  He knew that man was not made to be alone, but thrives in relationship. In relationship with nature, each other, and Him.  Yet, He gave each of us the gift of freewill to choose how deep those relationships go and time to tend, prune and water our lot so that maybe like Peter we too would be challenged towards agape.

From a girl raised with Mexican soap operas that highly exaggerate love as uncontrollable passion, I am still learning that love is a choice followed by actions.  It might be a less romantic definition, but it certainly is a healthy one and the true way that transforms the world.           

Three Weekend Feel Goods

 After a challenging week both for our country and personally tracking my kids to remind them that school was back in session, I am so ready for the weekend.  While there’s a lot of chatter about everything that is happening, I want to focus on things that bring a little joy into my life.  Thus, my three weekend feel goods came about to remind me to invest my energy on the positive.

Audiobooks! This new year my resolution is to read more, however sometimes my eyes hurt so much from being on the computer all day that reading hurts.  Thus, a great solution is audiobooks and the best part is that my local library has a great selection for free.  Just download the Hoopla App and login using your library card and you have thousands of titles at your disposal.

DIY Projects.  I have been back at working with leather handbags and restoring items to give them a second life.  My little projects always make me feel so earthly-utterly responsible because I save items from landfills and connect them to people who will use them after I restore them.  Today, I am listing a Zadig and Voltaire crossbody bag on my eBay store to find it a new home. 

Mass.  Even if I find it a bit distracting outside, and even though I now attend on my own without my parents I am so happy to have this tangible experience.  I am so grateful to be able to worship in community and to receive communion, my nourishment for the week ahead.

Even in quarantine with the rising fear of contagion there’s always ways to live a full life.  I haven’t spent so much quality time with my family and maybe because they are the most interesting, genuine people I am still fascinated by them.  Even if I have become quite agoraphobic, I thank God for giving me all this down time to relax and learn to enjoy.  Though I struggle with motivating myself to do things, I am learning to enjoy the new lifestyle that at the moment our current circumstances dictate.  

Happy New Year

I was looking back at twenty-twenty and I realized that even though I struggled with my mental health due to the quarantine and though I had a mini-breakdown due to the stress of virtual teaching not to mention a long period of debilitating depression from lacking my faith support groups, in addition to only having enough energy to take care of the main responsibilities – the tough year also brought with it many blessings...   

After a period of going without Mass, our Catholic Church brought them back outside. 

I discovered that I have an aquatic dog who loves (an understatement) the beach!

My parish placed the Blessed Sacrament outside so that we can worship Him in the parking lot from the comfort of our car.

It was the year that I was able to wear masks outside of Halloween.

Francis turned one and had a quarantine themed birthday party in isolation.

We took our first family trip to Big Bear and created many great memories en familia.

I completed my Master’s in Education after a more than a ten-year hiatus.

I discovered headbands- even during quarantine one must remain fashionable!

Francis was blessed for the first time during the annual Blessing of the Animals.

I completed my first year back as a teacher and celebrated with a virtual end of the semester party.

I turned four times ten- a milestone birthday and even though I couldn’t travel as I had hoped it was just as memorable at home with my family.

I ended the year in good health with my family and one super spoiled pup.

It was a tough year, earlier in the week mom lost a childhood friend to Covid, luckily next Friday we will be able to attend the outside funeral services.  This loss brought with it many feelings, specially fear.  During this past year, I haven’t really been frighten by the whole virus, but having it hit close to home brought with it the fear of keeping my folks safe.  Thus, though I had two weeks off for winter break, I spent most of it at home trying to keep my parents safe.  Hopefully, this new year will provide the cure so that we don’t have to live in fear of getting others possibly deadly sick. There's much hope to this new chapter called 2021. Happy New Year!