Franciscan in Waiting

We can’t always get what we want.

I have been trying to become a Secular Franciscan for some time now and it appears like Saint Francis is teaching me a lesson on humility.  The fraternity in which I am currently undergoing formation is not the most organized.  We lost our spiritual director, after Sister Miriam retired and moved to Hawaii.  Since, we have not been able to get a replacement. Not having a spiritual director means that my profession day is not insight and I am even stuck unable to move from one stage to the next in the process. In fact, I have been stuck in inquiry (even though I attend and work in formation diligently) for the duration of my formation.  Finally, a ray of hope, today, I was actually going to be interviewed by the fraternity leaders to move to the next stage in formation, but due to the quarantined that interviewed has been cancelled.

Last time I complained about my progression being put on hold, I was told to spiritually feel like I am still growing even if I can’t partake of the ritual just yet.  I know that Franciscan spirituality is about humility, not professions, of not focusing on garnering the title that officially unites me to the Secular Franciscan Order.  I’m trying really hard to not focus on the fact that I might be the longest person in formation before profession, but to the side of me that likes to accomplish goals it’s hard to accept that I keep getting denied something that my heart wants so much.  I’m uncontrollably stuck in limbo. When I was told that the meeting for my interview had been cancelled I really couldn’t help, but laugh because again I was being told to remain put.

This Lent has been one where I didn’t have to think of sacrifice with the world in crisis, I have been forced to sacrifice just like most of us have.  Who knows when I will get the opportunity to interview again, or when I will finally be able to make my profession… I could get angry, or give up, but this trial has me feeling like the many saints who wanted to join holy orders, but were denied and how hard they persevered.  Especially Saint Therese, the Little Flower, who due to her young age was denied and she just pressed on imitating Christ until eventually she entered the Carmelites.  I am doing what’s in my control and leaving to God what only He can control.

Being Prepared

It’s been an interesting week, while at the beginning the biggest hurdle was the thought of assimilating to the time change as the week progressed the fear of COVID-19 contagion escalated and everything was about staying sanitized.  I’ve never been one to lose my peace over the annual health scares, but as the week progressed and the fear of people continued to escalate – I realized that at times like this having a strong relationship with God really helps avoid panic.  Most of the preventative measures that are being taken around the country are for our safety.  It’s good to be prepared the Gospel tells us so.  I call to mind the “Parable of the Ten Virgins” who wait for their bridegroom, of the ten only five are prepared and thus rewarded.  During the Middle Ages this parable was extremely popular being the subject of many pieces of art.  The theme of being prepared for Judgement Day resonated with people of this time.  Today, in the culture of “Good Vibes,” death is not a popular subject; thus, when things out of our control happen, things that push us to stare death in the face there’s a rise to panic. 

On Tuesday, I was told that Antioch University was on the verge of closing down due to the pandemic and yesterday after teetertottering all day at work my school finally decided to shut down physically and work on staying open virtually.  Next week, we will have training on how to teach virtually because we are a non-traditional school and no pandemic will stop our kids from graduating!  While the whole virus situation hasn’t given me any anxiety the thought of going virtual has me on edge because we have a difficult student population that require constant coaching and from a virtual setting am not sure how successful they will be.  I also have a few kids who don’t own a computer or have internet access at home so next week all these worries will hopefully be addressed.  I hate change, just when I was beginning to find my groove at work, now I need to learn to teach in a different platform and one of my weaknesses is technology.  Computers have never been my friends.  

A friend texted me yesterday overwhelmed by the effects of the virus at her work and I thought how fitting that this is happening during a time of penance, when we take on discomfort and offer it up to the Lord.  A time when we reflect on the Passion of Christ on his agony and eventually our salvation.  Things might get more strange before scientist develop a cure, but I sure am happy that God is in my heart and that the lessons I learned during the light are guiding me during the night.

Community

I had to accompany my mom to get some medical tests this morning, so am running a little late.  This week, I want to write about community.  I am an introvert and though I value and even require time alone, I know that no woman is an island.  With the new job, my whole life changed in terms of the activities that I used to participate outside of my employment.  Usually, I get home daily at 7PM and have to address a puppy who is still in training so I had to put my religious activities on hold. Though my parents keep an eye on him during the day at night I need to be home to make sure he stays out of trouble because Francis is still in the destructive phase.  Fortunately, this last week I was able to go to some of the events that I used to attend (because of an early Spring Break) and I must admit that though praying alone has its merits – the power of doing so in community is immeasurable.

It took a few months of going without my community to realize that people who say that they can do Christianity alone or without a church are terribly wrong.  This past week of daily being in the presence of holy friends and my community filled me up so much.  I was able to ask people to intercede for my mom, have conversations with depths of meaning and just worship God with others.  Last Sunday, I went to a Maronite Gala and though it was a fundraising event, I got to learn so much from a group of people who have experienced first-hand persecution.  This particular day, they were celebrating the parish’s twenty-fifth anniversary and I got to hear about the many migrants who left Antioch because of religious persecution.  Many of the people present only spoke Lebanese, but I got to see how much they treasure their faith.  One girl was sharing how she tattooed the name of Jesus on her wrist, so that if she got taken she wouldn’t be able to deny her faith.  The testimonies I heard that day, along with the celebration of Christianity began a week of community in Christ.

On Tuesday, I went to my first Taize service.  Though I have been going to the Christ Cathedral regularly I had never been up to the Cathedral in the Sky because one can only go up through special invitation.  On Tuesday, a group of young adults were inviting people to come and worship.  The service began at seven-thirty at night, and we were fourteen floors above ground in a room surrounded by glass walls giving us such an amazing view of the lighted city.  The setting was perfect for the musical prayer night.  With only the help of candle light to illuminate our prayers, I felt so connected not just to the people in that room, but the whole City of Orange.  There, I thought how important it is to be part of the Church and to be able to gather together to pray and worship our God- to thank him and to beg for His assistance.  I felt so fortunate to be able to partake in this activity that fed my spirit that fed my faith.

On Friday, I went to the first Stations of the Cross Service then went to a different parish for a night of immersion into God’s Word accompanied by music.  The parish was packed and again I though how fortunate I am to have these opportunities to join community.  To see and hear people I respect motivate us to continue or journey of Lent and to leave behind those things that weigh us down.  I thought to myself, I am actually in a pretty peaceful place in my life right now- but what I want to take on my journey this Lent is community.  I know that my work schedule makes it almost impossible to participate in these faith building activities, but I am no island I need nights with others worshiping God and knowing that I am not alone in my faith journey.  Though I probably won’t have the time or energy to do as many things as I did before, this week I realized how much I missed community and am hoping that in the coming weeks of Lent I will work on finding how to incorporate these moments of communion outside Sunday Mass.          

Jesus Refill

What a difference a week makes…

Ever since I started working this new job, I have been praying constantly.  First the prayers were about God giving me the abilities to perform my duties even with bipolar.  Then, they were about the goals that I had to accomplish as part of my job.  Until they became about interceding for my students.  I don’t think there has been a moment in my life where I have been so dependent on prayer. My hour commute each way gives me the opportunity to reflect and to ask God for very specific things that I know my kids are struggling with.  These moments of prayer have made a huge difference in my life and in my relationship with God.  Everyday I am witness to the small miracles that these prayers bear fruit to and I thank God for His providence.

Every week I get new students and last week I received a girl with severe anxiety and she had a major meltdown on her first appointment with me.  She felt like there were too many people and the close proximity in which we work with each other made her panic.  After she left that day, I was thinking that she wasn’t going to return, but I prayed for her because I have my own battles with anxiety and I totally can relate with the stress a new situation can produce.  The school psychologist changed her appointment to the afternoon when things at the center are much more-quiet and my girl returned and by the end of the week, she wished me a happy Spring break and I think I even saw a hint of a smile.  I think in this line of work, these small victories are signs of God’s presence.

Technology is also great, I had a student that was out last week and he’s one of those teens that rarely says a word, but I noticed when he returned to class that he was not my normal quiet kid.  So, I sent him a message and told him that I had noticed he wasn’t his usual self and that I was sending him an air hug in addition to being available for him to vent.  The following day, he stayed after class and told me that his mom had been hospitalized, but that she was doing much better.  Again, getting him to trust me enough to tell me his struggles was a such a big moment.

Last time I was a high school teacher I was in so much need that I didn’t have enough to give my kids and I think that’s why I failed as a teacher.  Now, I not only have my health back, but I have a faith that has taught me that life is more than just about me and that there are lessons of greater importance than teaching grammar.  Jesus’ ministry teaches us about the importance of servitude, of helping each other out as if we are a community of brotherhood.  In every interaction, I try to show my kids and those that I work with a living Jesus one full of love and a willingness to serve.  Some days I feel exhausted when I leave the school for the day, but then during that drive home I have a moment with God and He never fails to refill me with more of Him.  In these moments I pray like I have never done before and I feel for once in my life the power of prayer (smile).    

Bring Me Back in Focus

You can’t blame the actions of a person in mourning. Death makes the strongest vulnerable and only time can bring the tide of normalcy once again.  This past week has been challenging, things that normally don’t push me off balance have made transitioning to life after grandma difficult.  I dropped my cell phone in Francis’ water bowl and didn’t realize this until two hours after, damaging my phone.  After days of letting it air dry, I was forced to order a new one.  Due to the damage, my phone navigation had some issues and I got lost making me thirty minutes late to a training that I had to attend.  I am one of those people that always shows up early so that I can choose my seat and just get acclimated with my surroundings before all the people show up this helps my anxiety.  Then I had an allergic reaction and my upper lip puffed up making me look like I had a bad Botox job.  My first day back to work, I got a mew student with severe anxiety and possibly trauma that was crying and refused to sit at her assign seat.  I had to have someone cover while I went outside with her and the school psychologist to calm her panic. 

Normally these bumps in the road don’t affect me as much, I am able to center myself in prayer and get through the day.  However, with the emotional instability of losing a loved one I am more sensitive and these small challenges seemed a whole lot bigger and I couldn’t stop and have a moment to breathe because my schedule was so impacted.  My coworker asked me if I was going to see a doctor about my puffy lip and I told her that I didn’t have time.  That’s how all of last week felt like I was rushing and just trying to survive each day with the added stress of little things going wrong.  Even looking towards the weekend was not alleviating, since I had been scheduled to work Saturday school.  Somehow, working Saturday school was a blessing because I got a lot done and now, I am caught up at work.

Having only one day for myself made a difference and I was able to order a new phone yesterday.  My lips are back to their normal size and my outlook on life much more positive.  Sometimes, I needed to withdraw and just be by myself in order to find peace.  I went to my sanctuary (the dog park) and watched as my pup played with many dogs and the happiness, he felt was contagious.  I find myself with a stupid smile when I am there admiring God’s beauty all around me and His beauty gives me the will to go on.  Even if things are challenging my peace, I can run to Him to help place me back in focus and there among a group of pups I find my antidote.

     

Learning to Trust God in Prayer

Yesterday morning I met with a group of girls for our monthly bible study.  I really enjoy the discussions that get initiated and the fellowship.  We always begin by checking in, just sharing how life has been since the last time we met.  I was sharing how these past months I have been trying something different I have been praying for myself.  An aside, I struggle with prayer mostly the petition type.  I have no trouble interceding for others, but when it’s about asking God for something for myself, I get doubts that He might not be listening. 

Anyway, these past months I have been praying daily about things that normally I would be too sensitive about presenting to the Lord.  A month after I started my new job, my boss sat with me to develop three goals for this academic year.  As I have been sharing the transition back to teaching has been challenging- but I have really noticed how prayer has facilitated the change.  I have been praying for my goals and I have been noticing how this practice has began bearing fruits.  For example, the school where I work at, we have the problem of just getting the kids to come to their regular instruction times.  Yet, I have noticed that we lack a social component, a place for kids to come and make friends.  So, I decided to take on the challenge of starting a club to meet the social and emotional component that our cite lacks. 

I was told that many other teachers have tried starting such a club without success because kids don’t want to come in extra for a club.  Well, I started praying about it and then I asked some of the support staff if they’d be interested in helping me out.  We were just in the process of brainstorming- when one of my kids asks me if she can begin a debate club.  So far, she has enrolled eleven other students!  I seriously hadn’t began to advertise it and already there’s a good amount of kids interested!  This past week when she came over to me with her list of students, all I could think about was how prayer does work! Even the prayer where we are asking God for personal help.  I have heard that God does these sorts of things to show us His power and to help us earn His trust. 

Once a week, I stop by the basilica to spend time with Jesus in the Blessed Sacrament and I have been presenting these types of prayers to Him.  I go say hello, ask him for his assistance then I begin my day of work.  Many of the prayers that I have been talking to him about I have been noticing His hand at work and I am beginning to think that He really does listen and provides for us according to His will. 

Change

Sorry if I have neglected you.  My life finally begins to settle – all the changes are finally beginning to feel like my new norm.  Last week I stopped by the mission basilica to pray before work (a new habit) and something clicked inside me and I knew that from that moment, I could relax and enjoy all the changes.  That statement might sound weird, but I have a tendency to deal with change by trying to control it or by focusing on it so much that everything else becomes secondary.  These past months my emphasis had been in trying to get used to all the changes and everything else was slightly neglected.  Yet, after working really hard on my new transition, I feel ready to start giving attention to everything and everyone else.  

I was speaking to my sister about this, because I haven’t taken my nephew out or paid much attention to him during these past months.  In a way I have been quite self-involved in trying to just survive all the changes.  Though, I have shared how challenging I find change, only my close friends and family understand my struggle.  They know that if I have too many things going on in my life I withdraw because I focus all of my energy on that one variable.  I am an introvert and during change all of my energy is spent trying to deal with that – so much so, that I have the tendency to forget everything and everyone else.  My parents notice when I am overwhelmed by change because even at home, I tend to keep to myself.

Eventually a day comes, when change is no longer new it just turns into your regular life.  It’s taken me a few months to reach this state, to begin to feel like I have succeeded in managing the transitions and I am looking forward to slowly making time for all those I have neglected.  My parents checked in on me earlier in the week and I told them that it’s ok for them to show more interest when I am distant.  When I am distracted or rather trying to adjust to the new, it’s nice having people knowing I am missed. (smile)  

Teaching with Severe Anxiety

I am constantly amazed by how God works in our lives.  During the period that I was laid off, I watched a documentary, “Girls Incarcerated,” a series that follows teenage girls locked up in American correctional facilities.  One of the things that stood out from the series was that credentialed teachers worked with the teens to help them continue their education while in the facility.  Teachers only had four or five students in the classroom at a time and most of the instruction was small group classes and independent study.  As someone who was thinking of getting back into education, I started considering non-traditional ways of teaching as perhaps being best for me being bipolar.  Thus, I started applying at correctional facilities and continuation schools and one day I sent my resume to the charter that I am currently at and the rest is providential history.

The school where I work at, I see about eight students each hour and provide guidance, tutoring and instruction on a one-on-one basis.  I check in with each, help them with assignments and test them on units that they complete. Thus, I work with all grades and subject matter throughout the day.  Each semester the school offers traditional classes for students that struggle or will benefit from direct instruction.  This semester I am teaching three two-hour long eleventh grade traditional English classes.  Though I love teaching and being in front of the classroom sharing my passion with others- I struggle with big time anxiety every time that I have to be in front of a classroom.  I think it’s the reason that I left education ten years ago.  This week each day that I had to deliver the lesson I almost peed my pants, but as the week came to a close, I realized how much God has been acting in my life!

The whole structure of my job has made being a teacher for someone with severe anxiety to do something that I love even with my disability.  Only three times a week I get to deal with severe anxiety attacks and I am learning how to reduce the stress.  The fact that my classroom size is small when compared to a traditional school and that I have so much support staff to help me has helped in reducing the stress.  Also, prayer this semester I have dedicated my job to Our Lady of Prompt Succor, I constantly ask for her intercession.  In addition to praying for each of my students and the goals that I want to achieve.  I am still working on learning more strategies to reduce the anxiety before delivering a lesson in a traditional classroom setting, yet I thank God constantly for placing me in a school so fitted for someone with bipolar.   

New Intercessor

I was feeling a bit overwhelmed earlier in the week, so I made the time to sit in with Jesus in the Blessed Sacrament and just spill my little heart.  After I shared with Him the struggles that I was currently facing I opened my Laudate App to the saint of the day and discovered a new title for Our Lady.  I was reading a short bio on Our Lady of Prompt Succor.  In 18^th century, the Ursuline Sisters in Louisiana found themselves short of teachers due to political changes in leadership and strong anti-Catholic sentiments. After requesting the intervention of President Thomas Jefferson and seeking the help of Pope Pius VII, Mother St. Michel prayed in front of a statue of the Blessed Virgin Mary to obtain the help she had requested. Mother St. Michel received quick, favorable responses from both the president and the pope and she promised Our Lady that she would ask a workman to carve a statue of Mary in flowing robes holding the infant Jesus so that it would appear like Mary was moving quickly.  Shortly after, Mother Mitchel arrived in New Orleans with the statue of Our Lady of Prompt Succor and many teachers to assist the Ursuline Academy… Many miracles have since been attributed to the intercession of the Blessed Mother under the title of Our Lady of Prompt Succor; thus, Pope Pius IX authorized public devotion under the new Marian title.

Having found a new helper to intercede for me, I presented my requests to Our Lady of Prompt Succor.  I left the chapel feeling lighter knowing that my struggles had been left at the feet of Jesus.  It wasn’t even the end of day when I started getting answers to my petitions. An issue I was having with a staff member resolved and then later in the week, after asking my credential to be expedited thinking it would occur at earliest in February I got notified that the Commission on Teaching Credentialing had approved my case!  I still will have to do the two-year induction program to clear it, but am so happy to have my credential back again as is my employer.  I still can’t believe how quickly my prayers were answered, but I guess one doesn’t mess with a prompt Virgin Mary… (smile)

Things are falling into place, and I am finally beginning to feel like I am establishing a new routine.  Having an established order is now allowing me to pick up some of the responsibilities outside of work.  Though my Monday night Bible Study will probably not workout I am hopeful that I can still keep going to the Rise Women’s Group and the Giana Club regularly because I do need to be around people that inspire my faith and motivate me to continue opening my life to God.  It is through these friendly encouragements that I discover new intercessor friends that make my path a whole lot more easy.      

Bringing 2020 with Faith

Happy New Year!  Sometimes we make plans and life takes a different route.  I had planned on getting Francis neutered during my two-week winter break, but I didn’t anticipate that I would be caring for an invalid for over a week.  Dollar healed rather quickly and didn’t require wearing a cone of shame because he didn’t lick his wounds. Francis from the moment I got him has shown me that he’s not going to be easy.  It’s been almost a week since his surgery and he still doesn’t want to walk more than take a few steps, he yelps every time he needs a potty break and he needs a barrier because he’s a licker.  Thus, this last week I have been making sure that he doesn’t lick open his sutures.  It’s been difficult because I was counting on Francis healing at the speed that Dollar did, but he’s required much more care; so, I’ve had to spend my time at home keeping a close eye on my pup.

Ending the year was a much calmer experience this year, my nephew is a teenager now.  He has entered the age where his little group of friends are his preference and our annual New Year countdown party was a no go this year.  It worked out, because with caring for Francis I had my hands full.  Thus, don’t take it personal if I don’t have my annual countdown pictures to go with this post.  Ending 2019, was a sweet-sorrow this year because with my grandma ill our spirits as a family were not as cheerful.  Yet, she made it through the holidays and though now we are praying for God to end her suffering and call her home we are joyful to bring another year with her here on earth.

This morning, I have my meeting with the Rise girls and I am excited to be getting back to nurturing my faith because with my new job I had to stop all faith activities while I establish a new routine.  Slowly this 2020 I am hopeful that with each day I will join community again, because I do need religious friends to remind me of Jesus and help me keep Him the center of my life especially among all the change.  Tomorrow I will have my Epiphany party with my Franciscan community – so while I didn’t get to do as much as I hoped during my two weeks off, I am glad that I was able to meet up with holy friends.