Sacrament of Marriage In Healing Our Society

Yesterday, I treated myself to an event where Scott Hahn spoke on the Sacrament of Marriage.  He is promoting his new book The First Society in which he explains that Catholic marriage is the answer to bettering society.  I come from a family where my parents just celebrated their fiftieth wedding anniversary and their commitment to the Sacrament has really inspired how my siblings and I think about matrimony.  Recently, my mom was sharing that early in her marriage she packed her belongings and took my brother (her only child at the time) and sought refuge at her mother’s home.  Mom said that as the end of the day came to a close my grandma asked mom to go home because it was getting late and mom responded that she was leaving my dad.  My grandma then said, “daughter, I warned you long before you married him that he was an alcoholic and that you were going to suffer because of it and you made your choice to marry him.  So, now go home and be a good wife.”  This would be the last time that my mother would try to leave my dad.  

For years she suffered the neglect and alcoholism of my father.  These were bleak years in which she saw dad squander money, get into bar fights, come home in state of disarray from falling in drunkenness, bring his drunk buddies and expect my mom to serve them, neglect his parental duties…  Mom suffered silently and as I grew into a teenager, I resented her for staying with my dad even when he was so utterly selfish…  Yet, as time passed- as I grew into an adult, I saw the sanctification of my mother and through her self-denial and prayerful persistence the transformation of my father.  She has taught me that marriage is for life and a choice that sometimes doesn’t feel great- but always chooses the beloved.  That there are times (even years) in marriage where it sucks, but if you survive these difficult moments all is worth it.  My dad would come to recover from his alcoholism and to this date he’s been sober for twenty plus years.  These years have allowed me to see a transformation that sometimes I still have to pinch myself to accept that I have the most amazing father.    

These past years, have been the golden years in my parents' marriage.  I see them together and it warms my heart because after fifty years they are more in love than ever.  My dad has changed so much, he constantly boasts about my mother and how lucky he is to have her. Yet, his actions are what most impress me.  He’s always thinking about how to lighten her load and constantly showers her with flowers and sweet words.  What he didn’t do as a young man in wooing mom, he does now and he’s more than made up for all the suffering he inflicted. 

Scott Hahn spoke about the importance for married couples to share with others that in matrimony there will be huge challenges and times when the spouses feel like huge failures.  I have seen this in my parents’ relationship; yet, I have also seen them triumph and to finally fall rhythmically into a harmonious place side-by-side.  It’s difficult to reach fifty years of marriage even harder to reach it madly in love as my parents are- but if I have learned one thing from them is that love is a choice.  Love is not a feeling that wears off when the serotonin levels in the brain level, it's a choice perhaps the most difficult choice – to choose daily, love above all. It is through this relationship of the two that my family is so close knit - my parents are the foundation that constantly brings us together in joy or adversity.  Thus, when I hear that Catholic marriage has the power to heal society- I completely agree.     

Bumping into Fat Friar Jacques

During my retreat weekend I came across a jolly fat friar sculpture in one of the Serra Retreat Gardens.  He reminded me of Friar Jacques from the famous nursery rhyme and thus I baptized him as such, since there was no name tag on him.  This perfectly round character gave me so much to ponder because from any angle that you look at him, Friar Jacques is quite round.  Yet, his smile and arms lifted in a position of prayer or open to take you in a warm embrace really spoke to me.  So much so that I asked my friend to take a picture of me with him, so that when I am having low self-esteem days, I can remember that it’s ok to be chubby.  I think that every year I write a post on weight and it seems like I get nowhere in the department of losing usually because I give priority to other things instead of working out.  That combined with the Seroquel that I take for my bipolar makes it almost impossible to lose an inch.  Recently, I was doing research on people with bipolar and weight loss and found that most people on Seroquel find it impossible to lose weight because the medication is to blame.  Thus, I have been thinking long and hard about whether I should change my medications. 

The encounter with Friar Jacques, helped me because even chubbies belong to God and can do a whole lot of good.  Sometimes people with weight issues easily postpone things in wishful thinking- I won’t do or attend that until I am a size smaller.  I know that I have thought that plenty of times, especially when it’s a reunion and I haven’t seen a person in a while- in the back of my mind I am afraid of their judgment, “Wow, Penny has gained weight…”  The thing is that even when I was at my smallest, (size 7/8) I still struggled with weight issues.  I always thought I was fat- even when I was at a healthy weight.  I see pictures of myself from those days and I think how in the world did I think that I was fat then?  Back then it was probably because I was addicted to reading Fashion Magazines and the women in those pages were all a size 0.  I felt like I didn’t reflect the type of beauty those periodicals sold.  Obviously, it also went deeper with the abuse I experience as a child and this feeling of ugliness that it gave me.

Now as adult, I have made peace with a lot of the psychological issues that I grew up having, but I still struggle with self-image mostly because of the weight I have gained due to the bipolar medication that I take.  For the longest time my motto has been fat-but mentally healthy.  Yet, I know that I can try to be both physically and mentally healthy.  I haven’t decided (it’s a huge decision) if I am changing my meds, but I will continue to live my best life always.  Bumping into fat ol’ Friar Jacques really helped me understand that I need to be content with myself whether slim or plump.  I have a body that is round, but healthy and I need to be thankful for it instead of ashamed by it.  While I strive to lose the pounds, I also need to strive to accept me because as I age my body is going to go through many changes and I need to learn that no matter what physical changes occur I am worthy and capable of blessing the world with my existence.  I looked at the chubby friar and his whole person emanated jolliness, he looked like he really enjoyed life so much so that he didn’t allow issues with self-image to negate him of life’s beauty.  I still look at the photo I took of him and I can’t help, but smile- so many lessons learned from this fat brother (smile).   

Retreat Insights

If you are blessed to go on retreats often you are aware that there are different types even when the goal is the same, leaving it all behind to encounter God.  The one I attended this past weekend was extremely social- since it was a reunion of all the Franciscan Fraternities in Southern California and people were seeing each other for the first time in the span of a year I understood their giddiness. Nevertheless, I was surprised that there was so much conversation and social gatherings each night.  When I picked up my roommate as I was helping her place her things in my trunk, I noticed a bag with two bottles of wine, surprised I slipped, “What kind of retreat am I going to?”  She chuckled, “A Franciscan one.”  Every night closed with a social, where people shared wine, snacks and conversation.  It was really a great time.

Yet, I missed having Mass and adoration daily or the opportunity for confession.  I think that after attending many retreats I do enjoy the ones with more time devoted to prayer.  One of my sister’s said, “You might be Franciscan in heart, but Carmelite when it comes to retreats.”  On my last night, I left the social early to walk the grounds and spend some time alone in prayer.  I went to the point, where a huge cross and a life size Father Serra stands illuminating the great view of Malibu reaching all the way to the ocean.  I took out my cell phone and put on a religious song then I closed my eyes and listened to the music mixed in with the crickets, frogs and other sounds of my surroundings.  I could feel His caress as the wind stroked my face. 

While lost in prayer, I recalled when Jesus is tempted in the Judaean Desert by Satan. Being at highest point of the retreat house reminded of Jesus also being taken to the highest point of town.  First, Satan, asks Jesus to jump then offers the riches below.  This experience of momentarily seeing Jesus at the top of world refusing the devils proposals spoke deep to my heart because God showed me that in my darkness though I am tempted to give in to the negativity, hopelessness and plain darkness - Jesus has shown me better.  Tears streamed down my face as I realized that my struggles (the hurts that I am feeling now) have purpose.  I can surrender to adversity, to Satan telling me that God is not present during the dark night of the soul or I can offer them to God with great faith that nothing is impossible for Him.  If Jesus declined, I must too.  I thought of him tired and hungry refusing to have any consolation that did not come from His Father and I asked God to give me that type of faith - the type that doesn’t tremble when life gets challenging. 

Even though the retreat didn’t have as many opportunities for community prayer as I am accustomed to, I realize that grounds are equally important in helping us enter into the heart of God.  Serra Retreat had so many special nooks and crannies with Franciscan saints and Holy Family shrines that I still had a prayerful time in the presence of God.  How could I not with so much natural beauty (smile).

Saint Francis Kindred Spirits

Since I returned to the faith, I have a spiritual practice of attending a weekend retreat once a year.  For three days I leave my worries behind seeking God for nurture, renewal, healing and just to be with Him alone without any distractions.  These weekend encounters have become a definite need in my life for so many reasons and I do believe that everyone should make the time to unplug and seek God in a quiet place in community.  The past three years or so I have been going to the Sacred Heart Retreat House for a women’s silent retreat, but this year I was encouraged by my fraternity to attend the Regional Franciscan Retreat in Malibu.  Thus, Friday morning I picked a couple friends and we all headed up to Serra Retreat House to spend our weekend with other Secular Franciscans from Southern California.

I do love Saint Francis and all weekend long I learned so much about him and his spirituality – I truly felt like he accompanied me during my stay.  He gave me a new sense of what it means to be holy.  The root of the word holy means, “separate” or to be set apart for God.  To have a desire to be a saint and this wanting will push me to be what God created me to be.  I found it so refreshing how saint Francis follows in the steps of Jesus, but the journey is Francis’ and the steps he takes belong to him.  For the longest time, I was terrified of losing my identity in my quest for God, of becoming a clone as Nietzsche often described Christians.  Yet, the saints teach us that though we must imitate Christ, we are not copies of one another because each of us is unique.  God created each of us without using a cookie cutter mold, making only one of each.  Our saints reflect real people that were tremendously different individuals, but their desire to be what God created each to be was what made them the same.

God chose me before the world began and He craves that I will choose Him too.  Yet, my yes is so special because though I must follow in the footsteps of Jesus or even imitate the path of a dear saint the journey belongs to me alone.  In my journey I make Jesus’ values my own and it is this personal quest that doesn’t make me a copy, but an original person walking in the steps of our Lord.  Francis exhorts us to model ourselves after him, but more like kindred spirits and not bad copies of him because there’s only one Saint Francis.  He leads us to ask how do I make this journey, these values my own?  I must follow Jesus and the path has been carved by so many saints before me, but the steps in the journey will always belong to me (wow).

Family Rosary Group

My prayer life fluctuates, but one thing is certain - I enjoy having conversations with God as I would a friend.  When I am going through a struggle, I usually seek Him as I would a friend and just talk to Him using my own words.  If something is really bothering me, I journal.  When I write things down usually, I get to the root of the problem and discovering the cause of my struggle leads to finding a solution and developing a plan of action.  Sometimes life throws at us problems that cannot be addressed in any other way than prayer.  I have organized a family rosary praying group once a week because where two or more are gathered together in His name, there God is in the midst of them.  Sometimes troubles pour, but that’s no reason to hide in defeat.  I know that the greatest moments of my transformation happened during difficulties, the greatest moments of my faith growing - of my trust in God increasing happened during the dark nights of the soul.   

Though I enjoy spontaneous dialogue with God, I also have a great devotion to the rosary.  Sometimes my words are inadequate or just lacking- it is then that I turn to the rosary to pray and meditate on the mysteries of our Lord.  For many who are not used to speaking with God, repetitive prayers help initiate this dialogue or when one is stumped and out of words this form of prayer allows the conversation to begin.  From my own personal experience, when my heart is heavy, sometimes I have no words to express, so moving from rosary bead to rosary bead reciting these beautiful prayers allows me to enter into the heart of God. 

When I pray the rosary in community, I am better able to focus on the prayers.  Everyday, before morning Mass there’s a group that prays the rosary inside my parish – sometimes I make it on time to pray it and I love that this form of prayer can be done alone or in community.  It is this group, that gave me the idea to start my own rosary group with my family.  I sent the invitation to all members and they accepted.  I know that this action in our lives is going to bring many blessings and am excited to make this a family habit- so that during the hard times we don’t crumble, but seek the Lord with strong faith that He has it all under control.

Walking Through the Desert

I have been going through a dry period, some challenges at home with those that I love most have really affected me emotionally.  Even so, I have been going to daily Mass and when I arrive, I tell God, “am here Lord, even though I don’t feel like it.”  Usually I find my greatest consolation in receiving the Eucharist, though I am going against my emotions when I receive the Eucharist a spark of hope is renewed and I can accept walking through the desert because bits of my future in Eden are revealed.  This past Sunday, I went to Spanish Mass and as I arrived, I greeted God with the above sentiment adding that I needed His guidance.  I waited and during the Gospel reading I felt like the part where Jesus says, “I give you a new commandment: love one another.  As I have loved you, so you also should love one another,” was for me.  Following the reading Father gave such a great homily warning us not to accept the diluted definition given by modern society that love is a feeling.  “Love is a choice,” he said, “it’s persevering even when the rosy feelings are not present… It’s loving your brother when you don’t feel like it…”  Mother Teresa used to say that the solution was usually to put more love into things.  Most of the time my reaction is to withdraw – to find a safe haven to protect me from hurt. 

Over the weekend, I was able to attend Mass in the Ordinariate Form for a couple of friends who got married.  Again, during the homily, the priest exhorted us to love the way God taught - to understand that suffering is part of loving, and suffering for each other is the greatest gift.

On Sunday, during RCIA we held a celebration for one of our students who after twenty-eight-years of living with her significant other was united in Holy Matrimony.  The husband joined our student to celebrate with the class.  We had a first dance, a toast, cake and gifts as part of the festivity.  Before the celebration began, the couple wanted to share some words and I was really moved by what the husband had to say.  He admitted that he had hurt his wife and children a great deal because he was machista, but after finding God and being molded by Him -he changed.  His testimony really moved me because again he was declaring that love is a choice that requires active renewal and to press on even when our feelings betray us. To continue living our faith even when we don’t feel any consolation because eventually the desert will pass. If I may ask for your prayers for my family, thank you. 

Mary's Month of Strength

I have been feeling a bit insecure lately, I didn’t realize that having employment is also good for one’s self-esteem.  Having so much time to think can lead one to a melancholic state, where the truth gets distorted with this sense of lessness.  After talking with a friend, I came to realize that these negative feelings are normal, especially given the society that I live in where I am constantly receiving messages that success is measured by accomplishment.  Sometimes in periods of transition our feelings can overpower the truth.  Yesterday, after Mass I went to one of my favorite places – Central Park.  I sat on a log and just enjoyed being present to God immersed in His creation.  The park was full of song – all His little critters singing a joyful morning song.  I just sat on that log for a while and listened, the natural melody soon had entered my heart and began to expand throughout my being, slowly filling me with hope, deafening the insecurity and tensions- lightening my yoke.  I talked to God as if He was sitting right next to me on that fallen tree, expressing my frustrations, insecurities, needs and problems and He spoke to me.  Is as if He whispered right in my ear what I needed to hear, a great idea on how to approach one of my leading troubles!

My favorite place

Later, I heard a deacon give a brief Marian talk in honor of her month and goodness I swear it was just what I needed to hear:

Our Mother had so many serious struggles throughout her life, pains that only a woman of her strength and character could endure.  When she accepted God’s will to carry Jesus she had to confront her parents, her fiancé, her community and trust God while she dealt with others' incredulity and rejection.  While pregnant, she had to travel many miles on a donkey to Bethlehem.  Again, she had to flee to Egypt on a donkey and then back to Israel when the people who were trying to kill her son were dead.  This constant travel must have been extremely difficult given the conditions in which people moved in those days.  Then she losses Jesus, and for days she has to worry about where her son is until finally finding him at the temple.  She sees him heal, perform many miracles and sees his ministry grow.  As it grows, she sees the division and hatred from the people in power- she witnesses the people turn against her son.  She hears Jesus predict his death and then watches him being tortured and hung to death on a cross.  All these hardships point to one important character trait in our Holy Mother- she was a strong woman.  Her life wasn’t easy, yet she accepted God’s will with a strength that encourages all of us facing struggle.   

I sought God in nature and had a chat with Him and throughout the day He gave me exactly what I needed- a look at the Virgin Mary.  May is her month, a great time to study her life and be encouraged by her strength.  Even more, to ask her for intercession – she who holds such a special place in the heart of our Savior.

“Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee, blessed art thou among women and blessed is the fruit of thy womb Jesus,” words that come straight from the bible- the Gospel of Luke.  “Hail Mary, Mother of God pray for us sinners now and at the hour of our death, amen.” And then we ask, her like we would a close friend to pray for us- such a complete prayer of intersession that reminds me of the strength of my Mother and encourages me to not let negative thoughts or troubles lose my sight from the Truth. No trouble is bigger than our God and though He might not take it away, He will give us the strength to get through it.

I'm Catholic But...

I have joined a Monday night bible study group that I am truly excited about because it’s at a studious spiritual level that is really helping me grow in my faith.  We have been looking at the Old Testament, jumping between scripture and what the Catechism of the Catholic Church says in relation to the many topics raised in these books.  This past week we immersed ourselves in "The Book of Judges," which is a book that deals with the cycle of sin the Israelites fell into.  Though one can think how can studying an ancient book help me today?  For one it shows us that God is faithful even when the Israelites become captives to sin.  It teaches, a lesson equally relevant today: spiritual immaturity wants holiness, but not the sacrifice that goes with it. 

Today, we would call these people “Cafeteria Catholics,” those who pick and choose what teachings of the Church they will follow.  When I returned to the faith this was a term that described me completely because I wanted the promises of heaven, but I thought I knew better and only picked the things from my faith that I could be obedient to without much effort.  I wanted a church that molded to my life and not a life that was molded by Christ.  Yet, as my faith grew, I realized that selective obedience is the same as disobedience.  The Catechism of the Catholic Church states that, “even though we are incorporated to into the Church, one who doesn’t persevere in charity is not saved.  He remains indeed in the bosom of the Church, but “in body” not “in heart.”  Yikes!  God takes us where we are at, but he wants what is best for all of us and what is best for us is to be in union with His saving Church.  Picking and choosing what to follow disrupts this union.

For a long time, I picked only what didn’t interfere with my lifestyle and worldly beliefs; but the more that I attempt to live a holy life (in line with the teachings of the Church) the happier I become.  Half-hearted conversion is a dangerous place, because we can’t be half-saints.  God tells us that it is all or nothing with Him.  However, “The Book of Judges” shows us that God’s mercy and His desire for our conversion understands that for many of us change occurs at a snail’s pace.  When I was in Mexico a cousin asked me why I wanted to go to confession when I could just admit my wrongs to God privately and I told her that I was Catholic and as a Catholic I followed the teachings of the Catholic Church.  She rolled her eyes and my grandma jumped in starting to criticize my cousin (who I learned goes to Mass every Sunday) and I told grandma that God accepted each of us where we are in our faith journey and we must too.  Many of us have to pass through the cafeteria, before we realize that our omniscient God truly knows best.

Side Hustle

I have been a bit scattered brained lately because my routine is not as set in stone as it was when I was working.  In my free time I enjoy thrifting.  These thrifting expeditions began a hobby, that has turned into a profitable business.  While thrifting, I came across many valuables that were not my style and I decided that in a way to reduce my carbon footprint I would help these treasures find homes far away from landfills.  Thus, began a side hustle an avenue that allowed me to use my ability to find quality items and to reunite them with people all over the country who like me enjoy deals and shopping secondhand.  I started repairing designer purses and placing them on eBay.  Soon I realized that I was making good money, from a hobby that I truly enjoyed.  However, while I had a job it was just a small hobby that I did on the side to help the planet.

When I got laid off, I decided to spend more time on my eBay business and it has become practically a fulltime job.  This activity has allowed me to be comfortably unemployed.  However, it has also taught me that it’s not something that I want to do as a career.  I enjoy thrifting and reselling used and refurbished items – but I enjoy it when it’s a side hobby and not when I am dependent on it for salary.  I think finding this out has been quite a blessing because I did have this curiosity of whether I could live off of having my own online store.  These past few months, I have dedicated my time to running my store on a fulltime basis and while I do make a good profit from a hobby that I enjoy – I have learned that it just needs to be a hobby. 

People often ask me about what it’s like running an eBay store; thus, I thought I’d share.  Reselling things online as a side hustle is fun if you enjoy thrifting or if you want to sell some items from your closet.  Well, it can be fun or really stressful depending on what you enjoy.  To me uniting items with people that will use them gives me a sense of accomplishment and good stewardship.  Secondhand shopping for me is my lifestyle, I never buy new unless I can’t find it used and that rarely happens.  I also am familiar with identifying quality items and designer gems.  I self-taught myself through extensive reading on how to authenticate real versus knockoffs.  It also takes patience and excavating through junk to find treasures at thrift stores.  Listing items on eBay or any reselling site is time consuming because you have to describe each item as best you can.  The better your description the better the chances that you won’t get a return…  In a future post I will describe this process better for those interested.

Since, my sprained ankle is not healed enough for me to go on hiking or long nature walks- I have devoted my time to reselling.  This occupies most of my day and I earn a living while I wait to find a teaching position.  Am glad that this little creative outlet has allowed me to not be stressed out financially, but I have also discovered that I most enjoy it when it’s just a small hobby.      

Valuable

Father held a crisp twenty-dollar bill and asked the congregation if anyone wanted it, all hands went up in the air synonymously.  Then father crinkled the bill in his palm and once again asked who wanted the twenty, the same hands shot up in the air.  Then Father, threw the bill to the ground and grinded it underneath his feet, then he picked it up and asked one final time if anyone wanted it and the same amount of hands remained raised.  So, Father asked the community why they still wanted the twenty, even when it was in such bad shape.  “Because it’s still has value,” one brave soul exclaimed. 

“That’s right!” Father exclaimed, “Even when it’s dirty, trampled on, in bad shape money does not lose its value.” In the eyes of God, we are all like that twenty-dollar-bill that no matter what shape we are in we never lose our worth.  In times of trial and tribulation when we feel insecure and less than- we just need to remember the sacrifice of the cross.  Jesus didn’t die only for the perfect, for those who had their lives in order – God sacrificed His son so that we would all have eternal life: “God so loved the world that He gave his one and only begotten Son, so that everyone who believes in him will not perish but have eternal life.”  Everyone- God’s plan is all-inclusive.

When Dollar was alive, he would follow me and look at me with such unconditional love, whether I was in gym clothes or in a pretty dress, whether I had combed my hair or it was a mess on my head, whether I felt well or insecure my little dog would look at me with eyes of deep love.  Sometimes when I was feeling extra melancholic, I would take his little head in both hands look at him straight in the eye and say, “I wish I could find someone who would love me the way you do.”  Sometimes, I too forget that I am loved even more deeply by God. 

I’ve been going to eight-thirty Mass daily, on Friday I couldn’t make it and I was punishing myself for not having gone.  I felt like I had let God down, then I realized that God loves me in a way that I can't even imagine.  He doesn’t get angry when I fail, in fact He gave His Church the Sacrament of Reconciliation for when we fall because His mercy is infinite.  Sometimes, all of us are out of shape, crinkled, dirty, trampled on… in such bad shape that we feel unworthy of love.  Yet, He tells us come to Him all who are burdened and heavy – "I will give you rest."  Unlike the world, who only loves success stories, to God I am loved simply because I exist.  My worth has nothing to do with my accomplishments, my physical beauty, the size of my bank account…  God loves me simply because I exist, one of my favorite love songs sings “gracias por existir.”  Even though God was the one who created me He still whispers in my ear, “Thank you for existing.”  (smile)