Mary's Month of Strength

I have been feeling a bit insecure lately, I didn’t realize that having employment is also good for one’s self-esteem.  Having so much time to think can lead one to a melancholic state, where the truth gets distorted with this sense of lessness.  After talking with a friend, I came to realize that these negative feelings are normal, especially given the society that I live in where I am constantly receiving messages that success is measured by accomplishment.  Sometimes in periods of transition our feelings can overpower the truth.  Yesterday, after Mass I went to one of my favorite places – Central Park.  I sat on a log and just enjoyed being present to God immersed in His creation.  The park was full of song – all His little critters singing a joyful morning song.  I just sat on that log for a while and listened, the natural melody soon had entered my heart and began to expand throughout my being, slowly filling me with hope, deafening the insecurity and tensions- lightening my yoke.  I talked to God as if He was sitting right next to me on that fallen tree, expressing my frustrations, insecurities, needs and problems and He spoke to me.  Is as if He whispered right in my ear what I needed to hear, a great idea on how to approach one of my leading troubles!

My favorite place

Later, I heard a deacon give a brief Marian talk in honor of her month and goodness I swear it was just what I needed to hear:

Our Mother had so many serious struggles throughout her life, pains that only a woman of her strength and character could endure.  When she accepted God’s will to carry Jesus she had to confront her parents, her fiancé, her community and trust God while she dealt with others' incredulity and rejection.  While pregnant, she had to travel many miles on a donkey to Bethlehem.  Again, she had to flee to Egypt on a donkey and then back to Israel when the people who were trying to kill her son were dead.  This constant travel must have been extremely difficult given the conditions in which people moved in those days.  Then she losses Jesus, and for days she has to worry about where her son is until finally finding him at the temple.  She sees him heal, perform many miracles and sees his ministry grow.  As it grows, she sees the division and hatred from the people in power- she witnesses the people turn against her son.  She hears Jesus predict his death and then watches him being tortured and hung to death on a cross.  All these hardships point to one important character trait in our Holy Mother- she was a strong woman.  Her life wasn’t easy, yet she accepted God’s will with a strength that encourages all of us facing struggle.   

I sought God in nature and had a chat with Him and throughout the day He gave me exactly what I needed- a look at the Virgin Mary.  May is her month, a great time to study her life and be encouraged by her strength.  Even more, to ask her for intercession – she who holds such a special place in the heart of our Savior.

“Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee, blessed art thou among women and blessed is the fruit of thy womb Jesus,” words that come straight from the bible- the Gospel of Luke.  “Hail Mary, Mother of God pray for us sinners now and at the hour of our death, amen.” And then we ask, her like we would a close friend to pray for us- such a complete prayer of intersession that reminds me of the strength of my Mother and encourages me to not let negative thoughts or troubles lose my sight from the Truth. No trouble is bigger than our God and though He might not take it away, He will give us the strength to get through it.

I'm Catholic But...

I have joined a Monday night bible study group that I am truly excited about because it’s at a studious spiritual level that is really helping me grow in my faith.  We have been looking at the Old Testament, jumping between scripture and what the Catechism of the Catholic Church says in relation to the many topics raised in these books.  This past week we immersed ourselves in "The Book of Judges," which is a book that deals with the cycle of sin the Israelites fell into.  Though one can think how can studying an ancient book help me today?  For one it shows us that God is faithful even when the Israelites become captives to sin.  It teaches, a lesson equally relevant today: spiritual immaturity wants holiness, but not the sacrifice that goes with it. 

Today, we would call these people “Cafeteria Catholics,” those who pick and choose what teachings of the Church they will follow.  When I returned to the faith this was a term that described me completely because I wanted the promises of heaven, but I thought I knew better and only picked the things from my faith that I could be obedient to without much effort.  I wanted a church that molded to my life and not a life that was molded by Christ.  Yet, as my faith grew, I realized that selective obedience is the same as disobedience.  The Catechism of the Catholic Church states that, “even though we are incorporated to into the Church, one who doesn’t persevere in charity is not saved.  He remains indeed in the bosom of the Church, but “in body” not “in heart.”  Yikes!  God takes us where we are at, but he wants what is best for all of us and what is best for us is to be in union with His saving Church.  Picking and choosing what to follow disrupts this union.

For a long time, I picked only what didn’t interfere with my lifestyle and worldly beliefs; but the more that I attempt to live a holy life (in line with the teachings of the Church) the happier I become.  Half-hearted conversion is a dangerous place, because we can’t be half-saints.  God tells us that it is all or nothing with Him.  However, “The Book of Judges” shows us that God’s mercy and His desire for our conversion understands that for many of us change occurs at a snail’s pace.  When I was in Mexico a cousin asked me why I wanted to go to confession when I could just admit my wrongs to God privately and I told her that I was Catholic and as a Catholic I followed the teachings of the Catholic Church.  She rolled her eyes and my grandma jumped in starting to criticize my cousin (who I learned goes to Mass every Sunday) and I told grandma that God accepted each of us where we are in our faith journey and we must too.  Many of us have to pass through the cafeteria, before we realize that our omniscient God truly knows best.

Side Hustle

I have been a bit scattered brained lately because my routine is not as set in stone as it was when I was working.  In my free time I enjoy thrifting.  These thrifting expeditions began a hobby, that has turned into a profitable business.  While thrifting, I came across many valuables that were not my style and I decided that in a way to reduce my carbon footprint I would help these treasures find homes far away from landfills.  Thus, began a side hustle an avenue that allowed me to use my ability to find quality items and to reunite them with people all over the country who like me enjoy deals and shopping secondhand.  I started repairing designer purses and placing them on eBay.  Soon I realized that I was making good money, from a hobby that I truly enjoyed.  However, while I had a job it was just a small hobby that I did on the side to help the planet.

When I got laid off, I decided to spend more time on my eBay business and it has become practically a fulltime job.  This activity has allowed me to be comfortably unemployed.  However, it has also taught me that it’s not something that I want to do as a career.  I enjoy thrifting and reselling used and refurbished items – but I enjoy it when it’s a side hobby and not when I am dependent on it for salary.  I think finding this out has been quite a blessing because I did have this curiosity of whether I could live off of having my own online store.  These past few months, I have dedicated my time to running my store on a fulltime basis and while I do make a good profit from a hobby that I enjoy – I have learned that it just needs to be a hobby. 

People often ask me about what it’s like running an eBay store; thus, I thought I’d share.  Reselling things online as a side hustle is fun if you enjoy thrifting or if you want to sell some items from your closet.  Well, it can be fun or really stressful depending on what you enjoy.  To me uniting items with people that will use them gives me a sense of accomplishment and good stewardship.  Secondhand shopping for me is my lifestyle, I never buy new unless I can’t find it used and that rarely happens.  I also am familiar with identifying quality items and designer gems.  I self-taught myself through extensive reading on how to authenticate real versus knockoffs.  It also takes patience and excavating through junk to find treasures at thrift stores.  Listing items on eBay or any reselling site is time consuming because you have to describe each item as best you can.  The better your description the better the chances that you won’t get a return…  In a future post I will describe this process better for those interested.

Since, my sprained ankle is not healed enough for me to go on hiking or long nature walks- I have devoted my time to reselling.  This occupies most of my day and I earn a living while I wait to find a teaching position.  Am glad that this little creative outlet has allowed me to not be stressed out financially, but I have also discovered that I most enjoy it when it’s just a small hobby.      

Valuable

Father held a crisp twenty-dollar bill and asked the congregation if anyone wanted it, all hands went up in the air synonymously.  Then father crinkled the bill in his palm and once again asked who wanted the twenty, the same hands shot up in the air.  Then Father, threw the bill to the ground and grinded it underneath his feet, then he picked it up and asked one final time if anyone wanted it and the same amount of hands remained raised.  So, Father asked the community why they still wanted the twenty, even when it was in such bad shape.  “Because it’s still has value,” one brave soul exclaimed. 

“That’s right!” Father exclaimed, “Even when it’s dirty, trampled on, in bad shape money does not lose its value.” In the eyes of God, we are all like that twenty-dollar-bill that no matter what shape we are in we never lose our worth.  In times of trial and tribulation when we feel insecure and less than- we just need to remember the sacrifice of the cross.  Jesus didn’t die only for the perfect, for those who had their lives in order – God sacrificed His son so that we would all have eternal life: “God so loved the world that He gave his one and only begotten Son, so that everyone who believes in him will not perish but have eternal life.”  Everyone- God’s plan is all-inclusive.

When Dollar was alive, he would follow me and look at me with such unconditional love, whether I was in gym clothes or in a pretty dress, whether I had combed my hair or it was a mess on my head, whether I felt well or insecure my little dog would look at me with eyes of deep love.  Sometimes when I was feeling extra melancholic, I would take his little head in both hands look at him straight in the eye and say, “I wish I could find someone who would love me the way you do.”  Sometimes, I too forget that I am loved even more deeply by God. 

I’ve been going to eight-thirty Mass daily, on Friday I couldn’t make it and I was punishing myself for not having gone.  I felt like I had let God down, then I realized that God loves me in a way that I can't even imagine.  He doesn’t get angry when I fail, in fact He gave His Church the Sacrament of Reconciliation for when we fall because His mercy is infinite.  Sometimes, all of us are out of shape, crinkled, dirty, trampled on… in such bad shape that we feel unworthy of love.  Yet, He tells us come to Him all who are burdened and heavy – "I will give you rest."  Unlike the world, who only loves success stories, to God I am loved simply because I exist.  My worth has nothing to do with my accomplishments, my physical beauty, the size of my bank account…  God loves me simply because I exist, one of my favorite love songs sings “gracias por existir.”  Even though God was the one who created me He still whispers in my ear, “Thank you for existing.”  (smile)

Catholic Community

I recently read that the image of God is the most reflected in the family because the trinity shows us this relational God, God in three persons.  We were made for relationship not to be alone.  Studies have shown that from the moment we are born we need contact with other people, in Russia they found that children in orphanages who were neglected didn’t develop normally.  In fact, if a baby doesn’t get human contact it will die.  I have a great family and circle of friends; however, when it comes to spirituality, I need community.  Much like the importance of family, in our faith journey we need brothers and sisters to motivate, inspire, encourage, guide, teach… to help us get to heaven.  When I first began my walk with the Lord, I looked for social groups – groups that were the equivalent to Catholic light beers, but as I have matured in the faith, I look for groups that have a focus more in helping me get to heaven than in developing my social life.

Rise Young Adult Ministry began twelve years ago in a desire to provide an avenue for young people to come together.  I recently found the ministry and the few events that I have attended have really impressed me.  Usually young adult groups can lose the religiousness and focus too much on the social aspect.  Rise always impresses me because the people that attend the events are usually people that really know their faith and their events while social always include the Catholic Faith as the center of the meeting.  Recently, I joined them for the Seven Church Visitations on Holy Thursday and I was really impressed with how deeply spiritual the night was.  On Divine Mercy Saturday, I also joined a small group to pray the Divine Mercy Chaplet, Confession and lunch.  The conversations we had were deeply Catholic and I think that’s why I am drawn to this group.        

Our Holy Thursday Group

Theology on Tap of Orange County is another group that I enjoy because I get to hear great speakers while enjoying a beer.  Father Bartus began the group here in my county and since it’s inception it has attracted a lot of Catholic youth. The topics are usually really interesting and very well explained.  We have had speakers speak on science and God, atheism- even Father gave his conversion story into the Catholic faith.  Last night it was held at a Catholic brewery we had a great speaker who retired from the LA Police Force and now works with Jesse Romero on a Catholic radio station.

Gianna’s Club is also another group that I enjoy- I have already spoken about this group previously.  It's open to all women over eighteen.  Just as family is where God is most reflected our religious community is also a place to find God. That's why finding groups of people – a faith community to help sanctify us is so imprtant.

The Beauty of Reconciliation

It’s always so difficult to go into the confessional with a list of my sins and even more to voice them – to own them in front of a priest standing in for God.  While many have an erroneous view of the Sacrament of Reconciliation – the sacrament really is one of healing.  Even after years of going to confession, the fear of being judged has not left me- but in all the times I have received the sacrament I have never been talked down by a priest.  In fact, the opposite always occurs.  On Saturday, after listing all my sins the priest took the time to encourage me to walk in holiness his words are what I want to share today.

“You are a princess, daughter of the King of kings.  Yet, the kingdom that you are a part of is quite different from the monarchies here on earth.  The way you practice your role as a holy princess is to imitate Jesus, our King.  The more you own up to your princess role the more you'll try to walk in holiness.  Now, Jesus came to serve and as princess you also need to serve and to sacrifice for the good of others.  So, study Jesus’ ministry and imitate him, giving up what is sinful to become holy like him.”

I have often heard girls say I am a princess in the Kingdom of God, but they always say it with pride which makes me not want to be one.  Some, use it as an excuse to behave in a spoiled manner and I find that quite unattractive.  Yet, when Father told me about me being a princess – he never said anything about hoarding that title above others, rather he said it required service and imitation of Christ.  Sometimes we are no different from the bewildered folk that Jesus ministered to when he walked the earth who wanted a powerful leader to defeat the oppressors through great battles.  In the same way, taking the title of princess in the wrong manner can push us away from God instead of towards Him.

Confession, has never been easy for me- I don’t think it ever will be.  Even, after years of going into the confessional and always finding healing- part of me is still afraid of being judged.  Sometimes, I think that my sins are so new or that I am the only that commits them so I am probably shocking the priest when I voice them.  Many times, I wonder if the priest thinks, “that’s a new sin I hadn’t heard that one before.”  Yet, I always pray for courage and after I list my sins, the judgment never comes, quite the opposite.  The priest always tries to encourage me to strive for holiness.  Some priests have a gift for hearing confessions, like the one I came across on Saturday.  He really listened to my confession and didn’t use a formula to encourage me, but rather original words that were so specifically powerful to me and my needs.  That’s why I am sharing this - the Sacrament of Confession is utterly controversial, because sin is becoming relative in our society – but God knows how important it is to have a way for us to reconcile to Him and to our community constantly here on earth.  Yes, going into a confessional is tough, but I am always met with God’s mercy and never His judgement.  He always heals, restores, encourages and points me in the path that will lead me to eternal happiness.  So, as they say - the pros outweigh the nervousness and difficulty.  Our Church tells us that we should all go for confession at least once a year, but I have found that going often is part of the path that will get us to heaven (smile). 

Learning to Wait

I’ve been taking classes at the diocese for the past few years trying to get my Master Catechist Certification, one class away and I was notified that all courses were stopped.  It appears that in an attempt to improve the training the diocese has decided to stop all learning.  This halt will implement new requirements, courses, and teachers with the desire to prepare church leaders more adapt to teach in today’s day and age.  Obviously, the timing couldn’t suck more because I was just one class away from completing my studies.  Now, I must wait until the reopening of the adult formation school to see what other requirements I will need to fulfill in order to complete my certification.  Though, I know that the diocese is trying to better prepare leaders to better form our church it's still quite disappointing to put a halt to my studies. 

I feel like I am in a period of waiting.  I am waiting to find employment and now to complete this certification which I had planned would happen in July.  Sometimes, periods of waiting can be challenging because there’s certain fears that come to disturb one’s peace.  Yet, this is the first time that I can honestly say that I have peace.  Though, I don’t have the things that I want nor control over when I will have them – God has shown me that I can have peace during periods of waiting.  I remember when I was a child, I used to accompany mom everywhere.  We didn’t have a car so most of the time if we weren’t walking, we would be taking the bus.  Waiting for the bus was torture, I used to wait with so much anger while my mom cheerfully sat at the bus stop.  I didn’t understand how she could keep her calm when it had been forty minutes and still no signs of the bus.  While my mind would be full of negative thoughts hers was filled with harmony.  She knew the bus would come and had set a certain amount of time for travel.  I on the other hand wanted the bus to be at the bus stop the moment I made it to the bench mostly because I didn’t want people who knew me to see me sitting at the stop with mom.

I think sometimes in periods of waiting a reason we lose our peace is precisely because we are too concerned with what others will think.  I lost my job and it’s taking too long for me to find another what will people think?  The classes have stopped and I can’t finish the program after almost three years of study what will people think?  In reality- it’s not what others will think that creates havoc, but what we think that does the damage.  In this period of waiting I have come to realize that how we wait is important.  The Apostle Paul, said it best when he said that he knew what it was to have and what it was to want and he understood that he must to content in both.  God is always working in us – even in periods when not much seems to be happening.  I like the imagery of the grape vines how during the dormant season, when to the eye nothing seems to be happening all this energy (behind the scenes) is taking place so that when it’s time to bloom everything will be set in place.  Waiting periods are important because they teach us to wait on the Lord and when one is waiting on the Lord no time is wasted.

Easter Vigil's Encouragement

Happy Easter!  It’s such a glorious time of the year, one that points to our eternal future in heaven.  At my parish, we received twenty-eight heavenly bound souls between the RCIA program for children and adults – just in the Spanish community!  After the three-hour vigil my team and I went out to Denny’s to break our Lenten Fast (our annual tradition) and there we always go over the ritual with much laughter.  We laugh at the mistakes we made and vow to improve on them next year, rejoice at the joy of our new Catholic brothers and sisters and encourage each other looking back at the conversion of our students from the first day of the RCIA program to now.  This year, God was really kind and gave us a batch that was quite easy to work with.  Sometimes we get people that complain a great deal about the way we run our RCIA program (thinking it’s too demanding) and this year we had a group that was always up for encountering God through the various activities we create.

On Easter Vigil the joy in the faces of the adults we worked with for the past year is the greatest encouragement.  For me every Easter Vigil is like going for the first time because each one is so especially unique.  Each year, I get to work with people who come to receive their Sacraments not knowing the great adventure of encounter and conversion that God has for them.  This year two sisters brought her reluctant siblings and both of them couldn’t believe the great work God began.  In one, God built her up from arriving in pieces to our program and to the other He gave her a new heart open to God’s transformative change.  Another student came having the cremated remains of her daughter at home, unable to let her go and through the Via Crucis at the beach she realized that her daughter needed a proper burial.  This woman learned she needed to give her daughter to God, He also reminded her that she still has two other children that need her.  Another student made the three-hour drive from Camarillo every weekend to make it to our Sunday class, a commitment that really inspired us.

Each year God brings in a new batch for us to work with and each year on Easter Vigil, He proves to us that our work doesn’t compare to His work in the lives of our students.  Each year, I say it’s my last as a catechist because I sacrifice a lot to be present every Sunday morning- but each year on Easter He reminds me that my small penance is little compared to the fruits of our labor (smile).     

The Promise of Eternity: A Game Changer in My Life

We’ve reached the climax of Lent, the beginning of the Easter Triduum.  These next three days are the reason that I returned to the Catholic faith.  After years of being agnostic, I finally made the decision to explore the possibility of God based on the promises of His resurrection.  The promise of heaven, of life after death and eternity (with Him and our loved ones) was the reason that I opened my heart to God and finally got off the teeter-totter to explore Jesus’ claims for salvation of the world and my own personal salvation.  Though, I can be a doubting Thomas, there’s historical (secular) evidence that Jesus came into this world and was crucified.  He claimed he was the son of God and died for us on the cross.  Some have tried to pass him as a schizophrenic or a mad man, but studying his life there’s no traces of mental illness.  Thus, the theory that he was mad is obliterated and am left with his ministry of salvation. 

These next three days we live His passion, death and resurrection; yet, unlike the apostles who hid and were unsure until Pentecost we already know that He overcame death and was raised on the third day.  Today, we have it so easy, specially the baptized who have received His Spirit. Jesus, told us that when he left, he wouldn’t leave us alone that he would send His Spirit to be with us in this valley of tears.  Gift, after gift- as if our salvation – our passage to heaven, was not enough He left the most powerful force to guide us in our journey to eternity!

I always thank God that I was created after Jesus inhabited our world because things to me make sense because of Jesus.  To have a God that came down into His own creation, lived, interacted and spoke to us in a language that we could understand is pretty phenomenal. Am not sure how people before Jesus handled death because it is through his promises of eternal life that I found the most consolation, the most hope when I lost my brother and even recently when I lost my dog (I know Saint Francis opens a window in heaven for little creatures) because of Jesus we know that we have an eternal future, that death is not the end - only the beginning to a life with God and all our saintly family.  That certainly is a game changer for me and the leading reason that I continue to follow Christ – because death is not normal- we are made for all eternity!  This Holy Thursday, I accompany Christ in seven Churches not leaving him alone like his own disciples, tomorrow I am in mourning as I live his death and during Easter Vigil my heart rejoices as the bells sound off that He is risen!  And that one day, I too will rise to be with Him in all eternity. Happy Easter Triduum!    

The Lord is my Shepherd

Yesterday morning, I taught on the Paschal Triduum for the first time in my RCIA class.  Usually I spend a good deal of time developing the one-hour lesson incorporating various learning styles to promote better learning.  I am a fan of PowerPoint presentations because I can include images and videos to better enhance the lesson.  Though I walked away from teaching when I was diagnosed as bipolar and have since retired from that profession, I realize that through my volunteer work I have never really hung the towel.  When I coordinated monthly events at Saint Francis Senior Home my ease with being in front of people helped tremendously lead the ministry.  I developed short faith lessons to share with the seniors at the home.  When I was a Confirmation core member, I too had to develop lesson plans for the teens and now for the past six years I have been instructing in the faith formation program for adults.  It is this understanding that has helped me realize that perhaps teaching is possible even for someone who is bipolar.

This past year, I had the flexibility to work from home so I was able to attend a lot of the school events at my nephew’s school.  He transferred to middle school this year and as I walked the halls of his school and saw the walls covered in work from the students my heart stirred with a desire to be part of this atmosphere.  As I interacted with my nephew’s friends, I came to the realization that as a substitute teacher I used to love my middle school assignments.  The combination of getting to experience middle school through my nephew and the realization that I have never stopped teaching put in my heart a desire to return to that profession- but this time as a middle school teacher.

After my trip from Mexico I renewed my teaching credential and I started looking in both public and Catholic schools for open teaching positions.  During this time in the school year there are not a lot of openings available, thus I will most likely need to wait until the summer when the hiring for educators occurs.  With my severance, unemployment, and my eBay business I think financially I will be ok to wait until then.  I actually would prefer to begin at the beginning of the school year since starting so late in the year is quite chaotic, but I am leaving it up to God.  A priest once told me that as long as I did my part by applying God would do His in giving me a job.  Recently, I lost my peace when I saw that there were only three vacancies for me to apply right now.  I was thinking what will people think if it takes me really long to find a job?  Will they judge me as a lazy, procrastinator?  These negative thoughts filled me disturbing my peace until I finally put a stop to it.  I went to God and remained in His silence until I heard His voice, “the Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want.”  In the words of my favorite psalm- I realized that God is the ultimate provider, so I need to relax, continue looking, applying and God will do the rest (smile).