The Last Adios

At seven Wednesday night, I received Dollar's ashes- it was quite a difficult moment to go home with my little wolf in a small wooden box.  The people at the animal hospital were very sweet and gave me his paw print stamped in clay, a dog tag heart with his name engraved on it and seeds to plant flowers in his memory.  Dollar is my first pet so this whole process is my first  time and am not sure how I am supposed to act.  I know he's just a dog, but I feel like I need to give him a proper burial to get closure. Today, I have plans of laying him to rest in a sunny place in my yard and having his tombstone be a statue of Saint Francis.  

The loss of a pet, is different for people in terms of how they get closure.  Some leave the remains at the vet for the hospital to get rid of them, others save the cremated remains in a special place at home, others buy a plot at the pet cemetery... There are many options and each is chosen according to what the owner of the pet feels like doing. For me I needed to bring Dollar's ashes home and lay him to rest.  The thought of leaving his body at the animal hospital felt like abandonment.  I was told that I would get his remains sometime in a two week period and Wednesday night I got the call that my beloved wolf was ready to be picked up.  It was too dark to burry him that night so I decided to wait until the following morning.

I thought that I would ask dad to help me dig the grave and that would be that, but my immediate family asked to be present.  My brother and dad helped me with the burial, I read Neruda's poem, "A Dog Has Died," and we planted my little wolf beside the rose bushes.  After that brief ceremony we gathered in my living room and recalled a few favorite memories.  I had been restless these past few days and when the burial was over I felt joy that I took care of Dollar until the end. I felt satisfied and the pain of losing him was replaced with peace.  I think what I wanted to say yesterday in this post is that we all mourn differently, for me it was important to be there when Dollar closed his eyes, to be the last face he saw and to bring him home and lay him to rest.  I didn't expect my family to want to take part of it, but they surprised me asking to be present.  I realized that though Dollar was mine, he was equally my family's dog and they too needed closure.  We closed a loving chapter in our lives with Neruda's words:

"So now he's gone and we buried him,
and that's all there is to it."

Seeing the Goodness in Times of Trouble

I recently finished reading a novel by CS Lewis, Till We Have Faces, a retelling of the mythological story of Cupid and Psyche.  The story is told from the perspective of one of Psyche’s sisters, Orual, who opens by saying that what she’s about to share is an accusation against the gods for the terrible life she has led.  Then she begins to list her misfortunes; her mother is dead, her father hates her for being a girl and ugly, she loses her sister (the person she loved the most), she’s in love with a married man that doesn’t reciprocate her feelings… And the list goes on.  She’s so focused on the negative that she can’t see goodness and that’s really what touched me most about this novel because it’s so easy to focus on the things that suppress light. 

I lost my job, then my grandma fell and we were worried about her not surviving the surgery, then my neighbor (a close friend) suddenly passed, then I lost my dearest companion (Dollar)…  I could remain so focus on the challenges that I don’t see the goodness that also happened during those difficult times.  I have a new opportunity to change careers, my family came together to help grandma, my neighbor’s wife has become a close friend too, with much kindness friends and family have helped me through the death of my pet. I am learning that even in the darkest moments there is light seeping through, God’s way of showing us that difficult moments are not void of Him. AND when we focus on Him, on those small details that show us goodness getting through the challenges are easier and make our hearts resilient in hope that all is not lost.

On Saturday, my neighbor came over with a quilt she made covered in hearts and she told me, “I know you have been sad over Dollar and I wanted to give you this (quilt) because I want to see you smile.  So, please use it and when you look down at the hearts remember how much Dollar loved you.”  I was so moved by her gift because she has just lost her husband and here she was at my door, trying to help me get through my loss.  Then I understood that difficult moments give everyday heroes the chance to shine.  Thus, I am trying not to look at things as a laundry list of things gone wrong I am focusing on the light that wants to make it in.

In CS Lewis novel, the protagonist eventually understands that she focused on things that embittered her soul and refused to see all the goodness that coexisted around her.  The silence of the gods made her come to the understanding that if she had seen things from a more optimistic point-of-view her life wouldn’t have been as void of light as she made it.  If she had only seen the love that surrounded her…  Thus, as I closed the novel, I decided to take that lesson to heart and focus on the love in my life and not on the laundry list of woes.

O Dollar! My Dollar!

My cousin called me after Dollar passed and said, “you have to be strong and remember how Dollar helped you through your brother’s passing and how he saved you when you were in the pits of depression; thus, you can’t undo the good work he did- you have to be strong in his memory.” I think that was the fear all of my family had, that being bipolar I would have an episode- but this time as I said good bye to my dearest friend, I have God and He’s showing me that I can have peace in the tempest. Sure, I am sad and hurting- but I also have those wonderful memories my little wolf gave me. I’ve been avoiding calls and messages because I don’t want to talk about what happened during his last hours, I don’t want to relive his final days and I don’t want to hear about getting another dog because I still haven’t received his ashes and right now replacing him is just as painful as having lost him…

Dollar was a very special dog, as he got older and his coat changed colors on his back when looking down, he had two patches of lighter fur that reminded me of angel wings.  He must have gotten his wings from all the service he did here on earth.  For years, once a month he would bring great happiness to the elderly women of Saint Francis Senior Home.  I would take him, and he would walk around visiting forty plus women – who would shower him with treats and caresses.  I stopped going for a few months and when I returned, they were like, “why hasn’t your dog been around?” They were so upset that Dollar hadn’t been visiting and not so much by the fact that I had missed attendance too.

When my brother passed mom used to work at night and the house would be empty only Dollar and dad at home.  My dad called him his loyal companion and often expressed, “If I didn’t have this little dog to keep me company, I would get lonely.”  At my dad’s feet my little wolf would remain silently helping dad get through the loss of his son.  And though my parents swore that they would never walk my dog, every day around the neighborhood the three would take treks growing ever so famous around the neighborhood. Especially with the children from the elementary school since on a daily basis mom and Dollar picked up my nephew.  When I would take him on walks, I constantly heard people greeting Dollar by name and mom would explain that they had met him at the school. Even on Halloween night a neighbor would wait for him with doggy treats knowing Dollar would come in costume as we took my nephew trick-or-treating.

I used to joke with my family that Dollar was the first grandchild.  Before my nephew was born when family came over, they would give my dad such a hard time because Dollar’s tags had our last name.  Most of the elders in my family had worked in farms and were unaccustomed to dogs having such liberties as Dollar did, so they would give my dad a hard time… My mom on the other hand spoiled my little mutt and when I wasn’t home, she was the one that he would follow.  Now she finds herself missing his little body as she cooks.

Between tears my sister said, “I didn’t know it would hurt this much.  I didn’t know one could hurt so much over an animal.”  My mind still forgets he’s gone, I hear him throughout the house - when I open the front door I forget that he’s not waiting for me behind it… BUT, I know he’s at peace and that I can't undo the work he came on earth to do; thus, I must go on and try to heal.  Am afraid of the day I get his ashes, but I know God will give me the strength as He has all along.

New Directions Can be Cathartic

I started a class on Christian morality this month and yesterday I was doing the reading for this week.  At a time like this when I am closing a chapter in my life with the end of my current job, I found the explanation on the "right to work" to be hugely comforting.  When I meet new people the first question I get asked is, "what do you do?" So much of our identity can be attached to our profession - that for the longest  time I thought that my vocation meant the career that I was choosing to do.  I agonized when choosing what I wanted to do with my life and felt like I better choose wisely since it was a decision that was heavily tied to God's will for me.  With my bipolar diagnoses my life took a turn and after finally deciding what I was to do with my life, I was forced to leave and found a job that I never prepared for.  Over the past ten years I have been comfortable working in an office setting earning a living.  Would I call that my vocation?  In all honesty no.  It's a job that provided for my bare necessities, small luxuries and gave me time to devote to my family and faith.

Here's the thing, even though I know that I am leaving a job that did what a job is supposed to do, I can't help but feel like I am losing some of my confidence along with it.  I keep thinking what will I say when I get asked, "what I do? " Will people judge me thinking I am lazy because after today I won't have a job?  Yesterday, I was feeling so discouraged that I played Gregorian Chant and just was still waiting for God to speak to me.  It wasn't long before I started thinking that my insecurity still stems from a conversation I overheard when I was a small child.  During school one day, I over heard two teachers speaking one was telling the other, "I just don't understand these girls (referring to the Mexican students in his class) you ask them what they want to be when they grow-up and all they want is to be housewives and mothers." By their tone I knew that in their mind it was wrong to want to be those things - so at that moment I decided that I was going to be a professional.  Years later, I heard that statistically Hispanic girls had a higher rate of getting pregnant in their teens and again I fought to not become a statistic.

Am not sure who I have felt like I needed to impress by my professional success, but you know am tired.  Am tired of living feeling the pressure to not be what isn't acceptable.  As I was reading the right to work in one of my books it says that "a society driven solely by individual self-interest makes us all competitors."  Work is important to our livelihood , but whether we do that work outside of the home or in the home doesn't make one more valuable than the other.  In both we are serving and working for the good of the other.  We put salaries and levels of importance and sometimes those achievements cloud us from seeing each other as brothers.  I am going from a salary to working at home without the comfort of a steady income as I look for another job.  But am reminded of the that parable that always confused me about the workers in the vineyard.  Some men began working at the beginning of the day, others later and still others when it was almost time to clock out- surprisingly the master pays them all the same amount.  This causes great anger in those employees who worked all day and boy do they complain to the master only to hear him say, "it's my money, can't I do with it what I like?"  And see the thing is that God understands that the people who started working at the beginning of the day had peace-of-mind; they weren't worried like those that got employed at the last hour. The last to get hired had all day to worry about whether they would earn a days wages to put food on their tables.  I tell you I would rather work a full day than worry all day about not having a job.

Work is one of the ways we develop ourselves as persons, we are able to express and fulfill ourselves in addition to contribute to society, but as I am being laid off (again) I realize that all work does that not just the work that gives us a monetary check.  I received so much when I volunteer as a Catechist, or when I clean my house, when I help my parents, when I study.  Thus, though I am losing my job I am not losing my ability to be efficient.  I am still me! As I sat there listening to the religious music, I felt peace knowing that I am not losing my identity nor my ability to contribute-  now I just have an opportunity to change courses and understandably while change is difficult it's not impossible.  Thus, I am going to enjoy my time off because eventually I will be employed again (smile). 

Facing the Future with Prayer

Last week I attended a talk on facing the future with hope, faith and love and I loved the bullet points that were given because they are practical steps to help us during this 2019.  Every beginning of a new year brings with it a fresh start to change old habits and to grow.  While many of us make plans to better ourselves physically – I think equally important is to better ourselves from within.  In fact, changing ourselves even in the physical sense requires an inner reevaluation of our habits if we want to make long,lasting changes. Per our speaker facing the future with confidence requires seven simple steps.

1. Pray unceasingly.
2. Love Fiercely.
3. Suffer Well.
4. Trust God Always.
5. Forgive Everyone.
6. Serve Others.
7. Simplify your Life.

I think all of the seven steps are self-explanatory, but I really like to have them written down as visual reminders of a plan of action to follow.  At least for me, I can at times lose my bearings when things are not going as planned, my thoughts get jumbled in a mess of negativity and when I can no longer tolerate the turmoil in my mind I always seek God to drench me in His truth.  That’s why prayer is so important, because when things seem bleak - in prayer,God gives us hope.  He invites us to suffer well, to suffer in hope and with faith that He will come to our assistance.  This past week was one of great emotional turmoil for me and I felt myself edging towards the pier of sadness wanting to jump into the pool of self-pity; but, I ran to God when I couldn’t handle it any longer and replaced the lies in my mind with His truth.  Sometimes prayer can be just that, going to Him with a mind so away from Him and asking God to bring you back to Him. To bring you to a place where our faith gives us hope - even in the bleakest of moments, I like to repeat, "I, will trust in You."

Our speaker said that the answer to any problem always requires two steps: pray more and love more- everything else stems from that.  I like that philosophy because it’s easy to remember- though quite difficult to put to action.  However, when we stand in God’s truth it’s possible to do anything because He gave us the Spirit to be able to do things that seem quite impossible.  I still fall short most days, and lose my centering – but it’s good to have a plan of action – one where the focus is God.  On negative days, I constantly need to remind myself to put my thoughts on check – to fight the lies with holy thoughts because from thoughts our actions stem. So, when I am feeling like I have lost my peace- I usually pick up a religious book, write my thoughts in a prayer journal or pray a novena.  I find ways to distract my mind from the lies floating inside or I challenge the lies with God’s truth...  I mostly spoke on prayer today, but in future posts I will explore the rest of the tips on living with faith, hope and love this 2019.   

Steps taken from John La Briola. 

Two Halves Uniting Under God

Beginnings are usually full of hope and smiles and my friend’s wedding was no exception.  As I saw the groom waiting for his bride he couldn’t hide his excitement and as I saw the bride smiling down the aisle I got a glimpse of their love and their hope for one another.  Plato believed that we were born with four arms, four legs and a head with two faces that were separated into two parts and condemned to spend their lives looking for their other halves.  My other half- has quite an air of romanticism of finding that other soul to compliment and accompany me into my present and future.  On Saturday, I got to witness this union of two halves, but what Plato lacked my friend fought to have – God, a union of two under God.

The service was beautiful with readings and hymns selected by my friend and a beautiful, personalized homily that Father gave.  My friend is Catholic and her hubby is not- yet, he was excited to unite under God.  He also doesn’t like to dance so the reception was a luncheon.  I found this sacrifice by both quite beautiful, he accepted the religious service and she omitted dancing from the celebration.  I’m Latina so omitting dancing is a huge sacrifice in my eyes- and I admire my friend's willingness to do so.  She explained to me that it was their day to share in union together and she didn’t want to begin doing things that one of them would be uncomfortable with.  I told her she is on road to sanctification!  Instead, they invested on having their guest enjoy a superb lunch at one of their favorite fancy restaurants.  Each table was named after a classical composer since both have a passion for music and the father of the bride sang a couple songs with his guitar in hand which made the festivity extra special.  

It was a beautiful celebration both religious and the reception; which always makes my heart full - witnessing such a special day in the lives of two. But pictures speak louder than words...

 The groom waiting for his bride.

The smiling bride. 

Two becoming one.

A moment inviting Mary into their lives.

The new Mr. & Mrs.

Trusting God in the Unfamiliar

I packed my desk yesterday, put the last ten years at my current job in a box.  At the end of the month my time with my company comes to a close and am ready – ready for the adventure ahead.  I always refer to a quote by Anais Nin that a friend once gave me in a card at times like these:

“And the day came when the risk it took to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”

Life gives us many moments where we must decide to let go and jump into the unknown – even as a believer who knows that though I am jumping into unrevealed paths, God is with me, it’s still difficult to let go of the familiar.  I can be a control freak sometimes and have trouble going outside of my routine.  This job is the first job that I was able to keep for this long after my bipolar diagnoses, before that I went through jobs like I do my unmentionables. Of course, now I am stable and have learned to work with my disability and have developed healthy coping mechanisms to deal with new stressors – my faith really being the foundation that keeps me healthy.   

I have an image of Jesus grabbing hold of Peter so that he won’t sink in the ocean always nearby it helps me to know that God does the same with me.  He will keep me from sinking.  It comforts me to know that even though Peter asked Jesus if he could travel never traveled paths and even though he doubted and began to sink- Jesus is always there nearby ready to pull Peter out. I, too, only need to call on Him and He will come to my rescue.

Thus, even if it’s more comfortable to stay put, to wish for things to never change God keeps challenging us to grow to leave our comfort zones because in our weaknesses He is strong.  I would be lying if I didn’t admit that this new beginning is not without its uncomfortableness – but I am also really looking forward to what lies ahead, because wherever life takes me Jesus accompanies me and is ready in case I need to be rescued (smile). 

The Path to Joy by Giving Ourselves Away

In my life I have had many blessings – adventures that I thought would only remain in my dreams.  I got to be the first in my family (both immediate and extended) to go and graduate from college.  I’ve been able to travel to places that I seriously never thought would be possible for a girl from a small town in Mexico.  I was able to leave the hood and have a house in the nice part of town with a room of my own. I’ve had jobs were I have met queens and the elite of society.  Now there’s not a place that I feel like I don’t belong, even the nice restaurants with the Titanic settings no longer have invisible “keep out” signs…  I look back at my life and I can’t believe the journey that I have walked, but in all the blessings the one that changed me the most was returning to my faith.  Sometimes, I feel cheated that I didn’t discover that faith and science complement each other sooner or that my questions do have intelligent answers- nobody told me about the richness of the Catholic Church.  Or maybe they did and I just refused to listen.  However long it took me to arrive at the place of faith perhaps is of little importance what matters is that I have arrived and remain.

I have come to love the philosophy and theology of Christianity – even if it opposes the law that society tells us to follow.  Saint John Paul says that “the Law of the Gift” means “Man, who is the only creature on earth which God willed for itself, can fully find himself only through the sincere gift of himself.” Here’s the secret your being increases the more you give it away.  We find this truth in scripture in the many different testimonies of faith.  Mary, Paul, Peter – they give without refrain and though their life is filled with agony they remain calm in the storm.  I’ve shared how a wise priest saved me from my depression when he told me to go and help others even in my brokenness to give to those in worse situations than me.  I remember volunteering at Saint Francis Senior Home offering a little conversation and company to the many abandoned elderly and how seeing these women forgotten by their families smile and get excited because I was there visiting - healed me. 

Years of therapy of hearing that I should do things for me to make myself feel better felt like a lifetime of lies – only broken by God’s truth. The paradox that the more we give of ourselves the fuller we become is a difficult practice because our society is at constant odds, but giving of ourselves can be as simple as giving of our time, talents or earnings.  It’s also about seeing people as human beings not just what we can gain from them, the barista at Starbucks is a human being not just a person who I get my coffee from.  Training ourselves to be giving is difficult, but our faith is full of examples of men and women who live this teaching authentically.  Through the study of the life of the saints, of Jesus and his fab possee we can learn how to better give ourselves away.  Mother Teresa understood this, “if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love.”  I think of my mom and I see how selfless she is and I want to be more like her.  Every day she gives herself completely and she’s always at peace.  If I had studied her all of my life I would have seen “the Law of the Gift” actively at work in her, but sometimes we need an outside source to help us see what is right in front of us.  Every day I am thankful that my journey led me to God because He has taken me on the greatest adventure and He’s not done with me yet (smile)!

Thrift Shop Flip: Bally "Pretty Woman" Purse

During the first weeks of the New Year people tend to clean their homes, thus the first months of the year is a one of the best times to Thrift Shop.  I have turned my hobby into a side business.  After finding lots of things while shopping that weren’t my style, but were too good to leave behind- I started selling items on eBay.  Mostly vintage bags that I restore.  While I enjoy the scavenging I equally enjoy finding my treasures forever homes; thus, to me the buying and reselling (while it has become a good side business) is more of my hobby.  Bipolar people tend to have a difficult relationship with shopping so I have turned this weakness into a profitable business.  A business that I truly enjoy.  As a grown-up I have dreamed of owning my own vintage store and selling pieces of history to people who are nostalgic for days gone by.  Through eBay, I have accomplished that goal and I enjoy not having to deal with customer service since everything is done electronically.  I just list my items with solid descriptions and for the most part ninety-nine percent of my customers rarely have issues with the items I sell.

I have gone through an enjoyable education on vintage designers and their histories.  In addition to, learning to recognize great manufacturing, authenticating items and learning the year they were produced.  To me all this is quite enjoyable- this Christmas I got a stack of books on the histories of some of my favorite designers, so my education into the past will continue.  My nerdiness has made my business flourish since it has given me familiarity with the things that I sell and customers enjoy learning more history concerning objects in addition to giving me a good eye to spot treasures in messy secondhand stores.  It’s also given me the ability to recognize fakes and only buy authentic goods.  I plan on writing more posts on all this because I find all this quite interesting and am sure others out there will learn as I am learning about the beauty of vintage.  

Today, I want to share the treasure I recently found, between mostly worthless bags, I came across this Bally crossbody bag that was priced at $8.99.  Bally is a Swiss luxury brand company that was founded in 1851, since it has enjoyed a life of privilege adorning the arms of celebrities and nobility.  After some research I learned that this bag (that I bought simply on the basis of recognizing the designer) is non-other than the style that Julia Roberts wore in the film “Pretty Woman” during the polo scene!  This little detail will shoot the price of this 90's piece (if I decide to sell it) to the roof because there’s a cult following of this classic film. I bought the bag for nine dollars and I can flip it for over one-hundred, easy-peasy.  In fact, I do that all the time with other treasures that I find and donate some of my profit to organizations that I support. 

I find the whole process quite enjoyable: the hunting for treasure, learning about the past and finding new homes for items that can end at the dump…  It’s my leading hobby one that I enjoy and I get a good profit in the trifecta: monetarily, adding items to my collection and in knowledge of the past (smile).

2019 Dust Myself Off and Try Again

Happy New Year!  It’s the time for resolutions- to create a list of things one hopes to tackle in 2019. I usually have a list ready, but last year I learned that instead of a list with numerous changes I work better if I just have one big goal to focus on.  This 2019 my one resolution is me, to work on me.  As Dollar has aged, I have changed our hikes and long excursions with short ten minute walks around the neighborhood.  I don’t want to go on strenuous walks alone because I feel guilty leaving my little wolf behind; but, I know that sacrificing my activity is not doing either of us any good.  Thus, this New Year I plan on increasing my activity level – even if it’s just on my own.  Most of the time I get so distracted with all the things that I need to accomplish that I sacrifice working on me.  I also have way too many things going on and I think that I need to start letting go of some activities to focus my energy on giving my best to only a couple of things instead, this purging will help me focus on me- to improve areas that need major attention.

In defining working on me I feel like my whole being needs a bit of a makeover.  I especially struggle with my weight due to the medications that I take for Bipolar, since my diagnoses I feel like I have focused so much on my mental wellbeing that I dismissed my physical.  BUT, I finally feel like I am in control of my mental disability and am trying to live my life no longer limited by this struggle.  Thus, I want to learn to be physically healthy.  Before my diagnoses I was at a healthy weight and active, this gives me hope that I can reach within me and find that physically healthy girl.  I know that due to the side effects of the medications it will be challenging to overcome the desire to stuff my face and I also need to learn not use food as a coping mechanism.  Thus, this New Year involves re-teaching myself to have both a healthy relationship with food and a more active lifestyle.  

I’ve mentioned this desire in the past and obviously I got distracted and didn’t tackle my objective, but what I have learned from a persistent predator trying to eat my birds is that it doesn’t matter how many times I fail- the goal is to continue trying.  Winston Churchill said it best, “success is stumbling from failure to failure with no loss of enthusiasm.”  Thus, this 2019 is going to be a year of persistence of trying and trying until I taste victory.