Do What's In Front of You

Last week I had to take my mom to the doctor for a routine procedure.  While she was getting prepped I was allowed to remain in the room with her since I am also her translator.  Ever since I was a child that has always been one of my responsibilities to go to doctor appointments with my parents as their translator.  In recent years, their insurance started providing translating services and I was relieved of that duty; but since, her cancer scare my siblings and I rotate in attending doctor appointments with them.  Last Thursday, something happened and I realized how difficult it is to go from being the child to the caretaker of one’s parents.  Shifting from having this image of my parents as the strong, invincible protectors to slowly seeing their bodies failing is really hard.  As I remained by my mother’s side and saw her fears, there was a shift in roles.  I was now the one encouraging her that all would be well.  While we waited for the doctor to come wheel her away to perform the procedure, she began to talk to me about death.  She told me that she had written a note earlier that morning as a sort of Last Will so that we would divide her assets evenly.  I couldn’t believe that she was so scared about this procedure and I felt like such a bad daughter because it was only in that room seconds from the procedure that she showed me her fear.  Mom is one strong cookie, always optimistic and positive; thus, to see and vocally hear her fears was a new and uncomfortable experience.  In that hospital room, I realized that slowly I am becoming the caretaker of my parents…  All of us who have aging parents come to this fork in the road at some point when we realize that our invincible parents are mortal beings with an earthly expiration date- that they are not exempt from the deterioration of their bodies.  As I kept her company I tried to be the caring woman she has taught me to be, I listened to her fears and tried to keep her spirits up.  I prayed for her and as they wheeled her away I gave her a big smile and thumbs up to show her that there was nothing to be afraid of.

Then I went into the waiting room to console my other worried parent.  Having been in the waiting room for almost an hour he was a little restless so I took him outside the hospital grounds to a small garden I had seen when we went in.  We sat on a bench and the simple change in scenery seemed to relax him.  I told him mom was well and she should be out in about forty-five minutes.  Then I engrossed him in conversation to distract him from worrying about mom.  We had a great conversation before I was called back inside, I told him that I would be inside with mom for over thirty minutes while she came back from the anesthesia and then we would be able to go home.  He remained in the garden in a more peaceful frame of mind.  Inside, I smiled as my mom opened her eyes and told her what she has told me countless times before, “see that wasn’t so bad.”  

Mother Teresa had this simple philosophy that all we had to do to become saints is to do what is right in front of us.  Accompanying my parents to doctor visits doesn’t seem like a grand gesture, at times it even was an annoyance; but, as my parents have gotten older and as I too have matured I realized that it is these moments when we can make the most difference.  Our families must be the place we start to cultivate the Fruits of the Spirit.  Even when things get difficult and uncomfortable or as the roles shift from recipient to caregiver God is with us - giving us what we need to slowly make the shift.     

Weekend to Myself

I had such a beautiful weekend free of commitments.  This gave me a lot of time to be home and finish projects that I had lingering in my mind.  Mom tells me that I don’t have to go to every event that I get invited and maybe she’s right, maybe I need to start practicing declining things and learning to say no.  Yet, because my top love language is quality time – if I am not present for others I feel like a bad friend. However, lately I had been feeling so overwhelmed because I am an introvert and I charge myself by being alone and I've felt like I was running low on batteries.  Thus, this weekend of me time really helped my spirit.  I desire a life at a slow pace, sometimes I dream of living in the country, in a farm, with animals - living off the fat of the land.  This little fantasy, makes me think that withdrawing is the only way that I will slow down.  Yet, I know that the present is all that I have and I need to practice slowing down now.  I need to do a character study on Martha and Mary to discover the lessons Jesus taught us through them.  In addition, to practicing saying no and refusing some activities.  Though, at the moment between homework readings and reading Harry Potter with my nephew I don’t know when I will be able to dive into Martha and Mary! 

Anyway, today’s post is about my free weekend.  Since I painted my room I have been wanting to put up one of my all-time favorite verses on one of my walls.  Sunday, I was able to tackle this little project and I am super happy with my results.  Now every morning when I wake up, His words will be the first I see.  I ordered these scripture wall decals from a mom and pop shop online.  They arrived promptly with easy to use instructions.  In less than thirty minutes I had them up on my wall.  I am very happy with the results: "Be still and know that I am God."

I also had a lot of time to devote to my purse flipping.  After I started seeing great vintage, designer, leather purses at thrift stores that needed a lot of tender love- I realized that I could bring them home and refurbish them so that they could be enjoyed again.  I did research on how to repair leather and started many DIY projects that led to me to purse flipping.  I fix the purses and then I find them new homes to keep them out of landfills.  I really enjoy doing this especially when I see the before and after.  On Saturday, I worked on a vintage Dooney and Bourke that initially looked like it was ready for the garbage, I didn’t even think that I could fix it enough for another use.  Yet, it’s coming along just fine.  I will do a post on it in case any of you are inspired to reuse vintage items.

I also, worked on my homework, went to the swap meet with my parents, rested and relaxed.  It was such a great weekend I can’t wait to have another full weekend to myself (smile).  

Thrifty Tales: Refurbished Espadrilles

This week has been a lot of new.  I had my first meeting with the RCIA team to begin planning for our upcoming year and I started my classes back at the diocese.  While I thought I was taking a class on parish ministry leadership, a happy surprise it was to find out that I was actually signed up for Catholic Social Teaching.  As I have been reading the memoir of Dorothy Day, being enrolled in this class felt like a happy god-incidence (smile).  This might turn out to be one of my favorite classes, I love the professor- my first class was delightfully informative, affirmative and encouraging.  I am a green shopper ninety-nine percent of what I buy comes from second hand stores or yard sales.  It’s something that I am passionate about.  I don’t want to contribute to the fast fashion trends because I am aware of the exploitation that cheap garments cost third-world, vulnerable communities.  In addition, I also like to refurbish things giving them a second life as to keep them out of landfills.  While being environmentally cautious is something that I am truly passionate about, it’s not something that I am as vocal about as I should be because sometimes I feel like I get criticized because my causes are not viewed as important as say fighting for the rights of the unborn.  This class on social teaching as well as reading Dorothy Day’s autobiography has helped me understand that no cause is too small.  As Mother Teresa often encouraged, “focus on doing what is right in front of you.”  With all this inspiration I have decided to open another part of my life on here and that is my way of contributing towards fighting the effects of cheap fashion and being resourceful by reusing things to produce less waste.

My blog turned four last week, and I was thinking I should buy a new pair of shoes to celebrate, but instead I bring you these refurbished Tory Burch Espadrille Flats.  These shoes retail for over one-hundred-and-fifty buckaroos because Tory Burch is a brand that ensures their workers are getting proper wages and because the quality of her items mean a longer lifespan.  I found this pair a few months ago for six dollars at Goodwill and without a thought I brought them home because even from second hand retailers they can still run a pretty penny.  I was so happy when I got home, to wipe them clean and try them on only to notice that they were flawed!  Yep, the stitching from several places had come undone.  Not to worry because I am a resourceful woman, mom didn’t raise no fool (smile).  I put them aside, did some research on how espadrilles are put together and viola after a DIY activity I had a brand new pair of espadrilles perfect for these hot days.  
I am super frugal, or resourceful - you be the judge.  I had a couple candles that had twine wrapped on them so I used that twine to sew my espadrilles back together.  Below are the steps.    

Only left shoe had two large gaps.

As you can see the sewing had come undone.

Use a needle with eye big enough for twine.

Then start sewing, imitating the stitches from original pattern on shoe.

 I followed using the holes on the canvas from original stitches and 

ended securing the ends to avoid future fraying.

 Voila! Tory Burch Beacher Canvas Espadrilles ready for use.

My Friend's Christian Wedding

On Saturday, I went to one of my close friend’s wedding.  When I started attending evangelical churches I had a talk with my buddy who was going through a difficult period.  I remember sharing how God was really my reason for keeping on especially when things looked extremely bleak. A few days later, I gave her a CD series by Joyce Meyer (a motivational, evangelical preacher) and she loved it so much that it began her Christian spiritual journey.  As she grew in her faith she shared with me how scared she was about sharing her conversion with her Buddhist family; thus, when I heard she was having a Christian ceremony I was delighted that her faith has grown so much!  During her vows she shared how three years ago she was in the pew in the church where now she was getting married, crying and asking God to send her a spouse.  Three months later, her now husband entered her life giving her proof that prayer really is essential for life.  Her spouse, too, was going through his own challenges, he had lost his mom and he weighed over four-hundred pounds.  In honor of his mom’s memory, he wanted to make a lifestyle change and to live a life that would make his mom smile from heaven.  His best man helped him shed the weight and with brand new found confidence he decided to try his luck with the ladies.  He met my close friend and the rest as they say is history...  No not really, after talking for three months over phone and messages they decided to meet at Disneyland to have their first date because both are Disney fans.  A couple years later they became engaged at Disney and their wedding had touches of Beauty and the Beast.

 Beautiful, happy bride.

 The giving away.

 Vows- proclaiming to love one another, even if they cheer for opposing basketball teams. 

Unity Candle.

Communion.

The new Mr. & Mrs.

The religious ceremony was really beautiful.  In my attempt at ecumenism, I thought I’d share aspects of the religious ceremony.  There was an exchange of vows (which each person wrote and read) and everyone shed a tear, rings, and then the couple participated in the unity candle ceremony.  The ceremony of light involves three candles, one for the bride and one for the groom.  The third candle is lit together from the light of the wife and husband’s candle representing unity: the joining of two lives, two families and friends as one under God.  Then for communion there’s bread and wine at a small table where the bride and groom together pray over and partake of it.  Finally, it’s time for the pastor to introduce the new Mr. and Mrs. to the community.  With cheers and applause they take their first kiss as husband and wife. 

In the afternoon, I again headed to the reception where I enjoyed the traditional seven course Vietnamese dinner, goodness so much food!  Again, I was surprised because my friend invited one of her friend’s from church to pray the blessing over the meal.  It was just so sweet to see how God has really made a home in her heart- it gave me so much hope.  Overall, it was such a sweet time, as all weddings are – to have been a guest is always such an honor because I am witnessing such a huge moment in the lives of two.

 If you notice the bride changes outfits throughout the night.

 With the BFF.

 First dance.

 My beauty.

 We made them have a "Lady and the Tramp" moment.

Table number five :)

Femininity: Nicely Styled Hair

I was supposed to do a post today on the new women’s group that Father Bartus’ wife started, but I think I will owe you that piece because yesterday I completely forgot to take photos.  Actually, I didn’t forget, but I found myself so comfortable in a chair that I didn’t want to move.  I have been really tired, with all the house work that remodeling requires and between my job and putting the house back together, I have been extremely exhausted.  After some persuasion from my friend, I agreed to attend the women’s group and I even did my hair!  So, let’s talk hair.  When I am not feeling well, my hair doesn’t get styled I wrap it in a bun and refuse to mess with its high maintenance demands.  Thus, as I put brush to hair I realized that I was coming out of my slump.  I am a girlie girl, who loves style like a Christmas tree loves ornamentation.  I come from a long line of stylish women and a culture were excess in hues is encouraged and short of  a crime if one does not adhere to it.  So, after looking at my nicely styled hair and approving my mirror reflection, I took out a colorful dress and some summer wedges.  As I made my way to the car, I realized how much modernity has affected our style.  I yearned for some decades ago when women wouldn’t leave the house without a nice structured dress and red lips. In the short walk from my house to the car, I felt extremely feminine in my new dress, metallic heels and good hair.  I thought about a man who once thanked a young, vintage loving gal for dressing like women used to in his day and for a quick moment I wanted to make a vow to wear more dresses; to bring back those decades when women looked so fantastically feminine in their fitted bodice and full skirt dresses.  Aww the good old days.  Life was slower then – now most of the time I feel in such a rush that the last thing I think about is my appearance.  Though I do notice that when I am not feeling my best my hair suffers (smile), thus letting it down yesterday felt like a small victory.  During the women’s group, though I was extremely tired, I felt good as if the sun was coming out after a few days of gloom.  Sometimes, a little pampering can do wonders for the soul…  I promise better posts starting next week.   

Objective: Restoring The Relationship

I have been a bit sensitive these past few days, women get these streaks where even a sad commercial on TV will make us cry; but, after the tempest calm follows.  I hate having these bouts of insecurity- I wish I was better at handling them because not only do I drive others crazy - I too can’t stand my highly emotional self!  Yet, I must ride the wave until my hormones calm down and I am back to peace.  This time though, I caused a huge disagreement with my dad over the carpet incident (post I deleted because it was too personal and recent for the public eye).  I kept thinking that instead of showcasing the way my family and I resolve issues, always choosing to restore the relationship that it was just a piece on me not getting my way.  Am not going to lie, I am very spoiled.  I am the baby of the family- my siblings are seven years and older than me- so I’ve always been everyone’s spoiled baby.  Yet, I like to think that if I don’t get my way I won’t throw a tantrum.  In my family, we have been taught to live peacefully a lot of the time we let small issues go without talking about them and choosing to look the other way.  Some would say that we just shove our issues under the rug without really talking and growing from them; but, I think it’s more of a choosing your battles kind of mentality.  My parents have taught us that in problem solving the objective is always to restore the relationship, no matter what happens we are a family and forgiveness must happen.

No one is perfect and the more closely we get to know each other (the more we see each other’s weaknesses) the higher the chances for hurting one another are.  In a family the chances of hurting increase because "we live so closely and love so deeply." When I was a teenager I was telling my mentor that as soon as I graduated high school I was going to go as far away from my family because of the alcoholism and violence I saw at home.  That I would choose the farthest college and leave to start a new life away from the familial pain.  Then she said something that to this day I recall, “You know your family can hurt you the most, but they are also the source of your deepest happiness.  Love works that way, it can cause you the most hurt, but it also gives you the greatest joy.  If you run from your family you will sacrifice both.”  That truly is the secret about love- it can elevate you to the highest skies or throw you into the darkest pit.  That’s why many avoid forming close bonds because “for even as love can crown you, so shall he crucify you.”  In my young life I saw a lot of hurt and dysfunction in my family, but I also experienced unconditional love.  Sometimes, when we are hurting it’s hard to see past the dark thoughts it’s also quite difficult to change to produce a different outcome.

Change as the cliché goes “starts with yourself.”  When I mess up I always try to look at my part in the issue.  Then, I take responsibility for my part in the problem and try really hard to leave blame out because true reconciliation it’s not about accusations.  The object is restoring the relationship and sometimes a simple apology won’t suffice.  If we look at the Sacrament of Reconciliation we see that after owning up for our mistakes and asking for forgiveness depending on the situation there might be need for restitution and a commitment to change.  This is all followed free of guilt because real love and true forgiveness is not concerned with pointing fingers.  Though the process is simple, it’s hard to muster the courage and humility to talk about problems; but, from my own personal experience these moments are valuable for all relationships.  We are a close bunch (my family and I) because as uncomfortable as conflict makes us we talk things out with kindness and respect – the object always being not who is right or wrong, but repairing the familial bond.

Secular Franciscan Beginnings

Next month I am formally beginning my Secular Franciscan journey with a welcoming rite.  I am really excited about this new phase in my spiritual journey because I feel like this fraternity is exactly what I needed.  Though, I try to nurture my spirituality with classes, reading books, prayer, participating in the Sacraments… I needed a community of brothers and sisters to motivate and encourage me.  There’s something about community that is essential for a healthy spiritual life.  At the first meeting I attended I remember showing up an hour early and though I was greeted with a warm welcome I was told to come back in an hour because at the moment only people going through the process of formation were permitted. So, I went over to the chapel to pray and wait.  When the hour came up, a jolly woman came over to lead me back – I was pleasantly surprised by the fact that she didn’t forget me.  Since, little kindness have continued to show me that this is God’s will for me.  Though, I generally don’t like small groups in the fraternity people don’t remain in the surface, but really get deep in the faith.  I learn so much not just about Franciscan spirituality, but about God and my faith.

We also have a library with books aplenty on Saint Francis! Currently I am reading one of the best biographies on him that I have ever read!  Though, I have always had a special affection and devotion to Saint Francis, I feel like I am getting to know him deeper as I would a friend with the passage of time.  I love the book so much that I am reading it super slow because I am afraid of reaching the end (smile).  Even though, I still have to scratch the surface of our well stocked Franciscan library.

Some friends have asked me if I am going to become a sister and leave on a mission.  Nope.  The Secular Franciscans’ is the third order that Saint Francis founded for people like you and me who want to deepen their faith and live truthfully the Gospel – but in the real world.  I am still learning what it truly is to become part of this community, but as all things godly this is a road that leads one towards heaven into the arms of Jesus.  I hope to take you on this journey with me so we can together discover this beautiful path.  Once a month we are invited to come together for Mass and breakfast.  On Saturday, fourteen of us went to Mass at Saint Bonaventure Parish in honor of their parish patron saint.  Only until recently did I learn that Saint Bonaventure is a Franciscan!  In fact, only until recently did my brain link saints with their practiced spirituality.  This discovery has given me a deeper understanding of the Franciscan effect in the world throughout time.  How the message of Saint Francis spread and the pivotal players that helped his message get across lands, peoples, and time.  His message of living the Gospel in a very Franciscan way didn’t die with him, but continues to influence and attract people.  Today, we need his message of love, simplicity and humility as much as in the days he roamed the earth.  Just look at the Francis effect in our current papacy… 

I think love grows with the knowing of one another.  There’s a story of Saint Francis being tempted to leave the order to form a family, so in true Francis fashion he went outside into the snow and created three snowmen (a mother and two children) when he was finished he told himself there now you have a family!  He looked at his snow family and saw them poor and in much need so he told himself now go out and provide for them.  The fantasy he had for a family was replaced with reality.  So, he went out happily to work for his actual family- those friars under his current care.  While Saint Francis can sometimes be lost in fantastic fables, the true man was one who did ordinary things in an extraordinary way.  Meeting this very real, holy man and getting to know him honestly has only made my love and admiration for him grow- but more for God.  All roads lead to Rome- as do all saints lead to God.           

Sadness is Perfectly Ok

On Saturday, my best Catholic friend’s and I got together at the new home of one of my girls.  Her husband is so sweet, he left the house so that we could have the freedom to talk and share.  It was a night that we so needed because we all had individual struggles that we were holding onto and needed to be shared.  I loved listening to them as they shared marital, familial, deaths of loved ones- among other real difficulties each of them is facing.  The difference in listening to their struggles is that they shared how they saw God involved in their lives.  They praised Him and contributed their strength to our heavenly Father and prayer… Sometimes as an introvert I tend to keep things bottled up.  This unwillingness to share my dark moments can make them seem bigger than they are.  Thus, as we went around the room catching up my problems became the “real” size and they no longer felt overwhelming.  As I heard them speak about the presence of God in their lives I began to see His presence in my moments of weakness.  I knew that it was going to be an emotional night because I knew of the disappointments, pain and loss that each faced, but I didn’t realize it was going to be such a bonding experience.  The next morning we all texted each other still thankful for those hours together.  The benefits of solid friendships – if I could only count them!

In Christian circles, sadness is one of those things that has gotten lost in translation.  A lot of people of faith think that sadness cannot be part of our Christian experience.  So, it gets written off; but, Jesus cried when his friend died.  Jesus, stopped and felt his pain unashamed.  When things are difficult sadness is a perfectly normal reaction and ok feeling.  Many of us are so scared of sadness that even when a child falls and scrapes his knees we go to him and say, “its ok.”  The child knows it’s not ok - his skin is ripped and blood is seeping through.  He’s hurting and the pain is REAL.  We grow up in the faith hearing things like there’s “no sad Christian,” and at least for me – I felt like sadness had no part in the Christian life so I shouldn't talk about it.  Yet, when our marriage is in crisis, when we suffer disillusionments, when we lose people we love- sadness is the perfect response.  Cry, share your hurt with God (in prayer) and with friends and loved ones and do so without fear of being unchristian.  BUT- don’t remain in the sadness.  If you notice that after a few days your sadness is not getting better seek help.

Recently, I was a bit sad and I fled to chapel to pray and cry with God.  Later, I wrote my first prayer and I asked Him to help me not take back what I had given Him.  It’s important that when we give God our suffering we make sure it stays there.  That’s part of our healing process.  I know it’s hard because our feelings will want to take it right back, but if we want to heal we must trust it entirely to Him.  I also sought the company of not just my best friends, but the company of saints.  I have been reading two books simultaneously one on Saint Francis of Assisi and the other by Saint Teresa of Avila and both have filled me with so much goodness.  I also love rosary Novena’s, so during this time I have been fervently praying one with Mother Mary.  Though when we are sad it’s hard to do things, I have pushed myself to complete activities that I love and don’t make the time for. I have a few projects that I am working on at home and that keeps my mind from wondering into darkness.  Life is hard!  Thus, sadness (sometimes) is the most normal response, but our faith is about hope of passing through the valley of shadow into the realm of impossibility and hand it to God- because nothing is impossible for Him!  He might ask for our involvement (like maybe applying a forgetful mind and a touch of forgiveness) because He uses our trials to aid in our sanctification...  My friend’s from my Franciscan Fraternity gave me the prayer below quite perfect for moments of tribulation.  Praise God.      

The Interrior Castle: Favorite Quotes

I have been reading The Interior Castle by Saint Teresa of Avila.  I have found much wisdom and hope in her thoughts and in her words.  Below are fifteen of my favorite quotes from her book that I found extremely comforting and nurturing.  I love how she paints such a clear image of how our love for God must always grow, we need to want more of Him and this desire for Him must lead us further into our interior castle where we will find Him so utterly complete.  Yet, in our journey we have a double mission to love God and love our neighbor – this method of loving is the only way towards complete union with Him.  It’s the greatest commandment and we must always honor it.  Enjoy the quotes:

“Our souls may lose their peace and even disturb other people’s if we are always criticizing trivial actions which often are not real defects at all, but we construe them wrongly through ignorance of their motives.”

“His Majesty is willing to wait for us many a day and even many a year, especially when He sees perseverance and good desires in our hearts.”

“‘Peace, peace be unto you,’ my sisters, as our Lord said, and many a time proclaimed to His Apostles. Believe me, if we neither possess nor strive to obtain this peace at home, we shall never find it abroad.”

“His Majesty knows that I have nothing to rely upon but His mercy; as I cannot cancel the past, I have no other remedy but to flee to Him, and to confide in the merits of His Son and of His Virgin Mother.”

“This love, my daughters, must not be the fabric of our imagination; we must prove it by our works.”

“Let us look at our own faults, and not at other persons’.”

“We cannot stop the revolution of the heavens as they rush with velocity upon their course, neither can we control our imagination. When this wanders we at once imagine that all the powers of the soul follow it; we think everything is lost, and that the time spent in God’s presence is wasted. Meanwhile, the soul is perhaps entirely united to Him in the innermost mansions, while the imagination is in the precincts of the castle, struggling with a thousand wild and venomous creatures and gaining merit by its warfare. Therefore we need not let ourselves be disturbed, nor give up prayer, as the devil is striving to persuade us. As a rule, all our anxieties and troubles come from misunderstanding our own nature.”

“Lord tests her love for Him by the way in which she bears His absence.”

“He enters the innermost depths of our souls without a door, as He entered the room where the disciples sat, saying ‘Pax vobis,’ and as He emerged from the sepulcher without removing the stone that closed the entrance.”

“Our Lord asks but two things of us: love, for Him and for our neighbor: these are what we must strive to obtain. If we practice both these virtues perfectly we shall be doing His will and so shall be united to Him.”

“I think the most certain sign that we keep these two commandments is that we have a genuine love for others. We cannot know whether we love God although there may be strong reasons for thinking so, but there can be no doubt about whether we love our neighbor or no.”

“If she (friend) is in pain, feel for it as if it were your own.”

“If you possess fraternal charity, I assure you that you will certainly obtain the union I have described…Beg our Lord to grant you perfect love for your neighbor, and leave the rest to Him…  Forget your self-interests for theirs, however much nature may rebel; when opportunity occurs take some burden upon yourself to ease your neighbor of it. Do not fancy it will cost you nothing and that you will find it all done for you: think what the love He bore for us cost our Spouse, Who to free us from death, Himself suffered the most painful death of all—the death of the Cross.”

“God never sends us more than we can bear and always gives us patience first.”

“The best remedy for these crosses (I do not mean for gaining deliverance from them, for I know of nothing that will do that, but for enabling one to bear them) is to perform external works of charity and to trust in the mercy of God, which never fails those who hope in Him.”

Fear & Loneliness

Lately my actions have been selfish and motivated by my own fears and insecurities.  Sometimes, I need a good cry to clear my thoughts, so last night I went to adoration because I needed to be alone with God, just the two of us.  There while I was shedding tears during the start of a novena I realized that I have been terribly selfish.  I was thinking only of myself and the struggles that lately I have been inwardly battling.  I was so consumed by my own challenges that I forgot to be kind and I hurt someone I care about a great deal.  Recently, I met a woman who lives alone in a finely decorated apartment, she’s elderly and never married.  She shared with me how lonely she feels.  How just a few years back her home had been a place of much activity, but now her nieces and nephews had grown up and her sister died.  Her life has changed drastically and though she belongs to the choir at her local parish and has good Catholic friends she feels lonely coming home to an empty house.  In some way she feels abandoned.  I listened to her without being able to offer much in terms of consolation and as I went home I began to get the biggest case of fear.  I was terribly afraid of my future.  I was afraid of one day becoming her.  So, I freaked out and when I allow myself to be consumed by fear – me actions are disastrous. 

Last night as I read the readings of the day I found such comfort in the first reading because God always provides.  I’ve always been fascinated by the narrative of Sarah’s miracle baby, but last night it gave me a new type of hope.  Fear will always come knocking and try to rob me of my peace, but if I remain in God if I stamp His words in my heart I will build a wall so thick - fear wont penetrate it.  I was thanking God for giving me this reading on a day where I needed so much guidance and then I got to the Psalm and I just lost it, “those who seek the Lord want for nothing.”  I was afraid of growing old alone and in seven words (the perfect number); God annihilated that fear.  Meeting this woman made me focus on my fear instead of thinking that He might have put her in my life so that I can be her friend and help her through her loneliness.  All I thought about was all those ladies I see abandoned at the senior center I volunteer at and I became terrified.  So, terrified that my actions were destructive.

I am not sure if the damage I have caused is beyond repair.  I am sure that I haven’t been healed completely of this fear, but at least I have become aware of it.  This awareness sends me back to the beginning of my faith journey, when a priest told me that depression sometimes comes from focusing too much on self.  My eyes diverted from God to my fear and I became the center of attention and without Him I succumbed to my insecurities.  Focusing on self does more damage than just depression.  As I write this, I am staring at a picture of Saint John Paul II and I am reminded of the scriptural words he constantly repeated, “Do not be afraid.”  I truly am sorry.