My True Home

Some moments in the year feel heavier when they have been marked by loss. I know for me every November there’s this gray shadow that just sits in place.  It just shows up around the same time and just sits there, a reminder of something tragic, but also a testament to great love.  When I was younger, I couldn’t wait to grow up and leave my family because my teenage heart felt like I couldn’t handle the pain of being part of such a dysfunctional family.  One day, I was so upset that I shared this with my mentor, she in her wise age told me- you’re only thinking of the pain that you would avoid, but you would miss out on all of the joy.  That was the beginning of my education - only those that know great pain can also know great love, these two disciplines live side by side to illuminate the power of love. 

God calls us to be happy, and though I try my best to live contently every November the shadow comes and drops reminding me of the separation between siblings that began one Fall day.  I used to agonize over the sadness that comes during those weeks, but now I use the shadow to remind me of why I believe.  My faith is strongest when I think of death and when I know that even if it comes and it shatters my heart, that one day I will be reunited.  At first, I used to think that I would be reunited with my loved one and that gave me utter joy and satisfaction- until one priest said, “what about Jesus?”  Now when I think of my reunion with those that have gone before me, I also think about Jesus and Mary and all the saints that I have gotten to know and the longing for the life to come intensifies.

We are all just passing by, this house that we call our home is temporal and a crumb of sand compared to the home that waits for us in heaven.  That’s why I believe, that’s why I reverted and in November I think about it more deeply and the shadow that comes serves as a reminder of the world to come…   

Degrees of Prayer :o)

Last week two parents showed up at my school wanting to speak with me to inform me that their daughter (former student who recently graduated) had suffered a brain aneurysm.  They shed some tears and showed me a picture of her in her hospital bed.  They were like if God left her alive then that means she’s going to heal.  Since they brought God up into the conversation, I told them about Saint Peregrine’s Chapel at the mission, I told them that they should stop by and light a votive while seeking his intercession. 

When I was a little girl in Mexico, I remember my mom going to our parish daily and sometimes lighting votives.  I especially recall the fresh match smell and to this day I love the scent of matches it conjures such warm memories.  Today, in my house we have paschal candles that we light when we are going through difficult times, have important meetings, or as a sign of intercession for family or friends.  We also light it on significant occasions, especially when a loved one is dying or has died. 

Though, lighting a candle as a way to engage the mind in prayer is a good habit to have, to me lighting a votive has deeper meaning.  I either light one for deep felt intercessions or sometimes in thanksgiving for prayers answered.  Though some family members who are not Catholic have warned me that it’s superstitious thing to do and that God only requires a personal relationship – I do believe that sacramentals are important in deepening faith.  When I have challenges where I feel like things are so out of my control, it calms me to take that secondary action to light a candle as an expression of how deep I am relying on God.  Only special prayers are accompanied by the light. Only those prayers where I know my limitations and need to express to God in a way that words cannot do I light a votive.  The more serious the intention the more steps that I take to show God my need of Him.  When I feel desperate, then lighting one at home is not enough.  I must go to my parish and light one in the house of the Lord.

When I travel I am so thankful for the churches that still have the candles that require a match. In the area where I live most are electronic and light up at the push of a button.  To me there’s something quite spiritual in lighting that match, watching the smoke of the match dissolve into thin air in its place the flame illuminating my hopes.  I also really like the parishes that have candle stations in front of various saints because then I go crazy and ask the communion of saints to intercede like good friends to our God.  This weekend, I lit a candle for my student at the parish where I attended Mass and it gave me such a sense of relief, that though I cannot do much for my student I have a God who works miracles.      

The Saint Francis Challenge

I needed motivation to get active and I heard of walking challenges so I decided to do a little research and see if there was an app that would connect me with some kind of physical activity to keep me accountable and most of all inspired.  That’s when I started looking into The Conqueror Application.  I downloaded it and was browsing through the trails that it provides, when I noticed that on the list were some spiritual treks.  There was of course the Camino de Santiago, but my heart skipped a beat when I saw that one of the called the Saint Francis Way.  My fingers were too quick to click on the description and as I read that the challenge would take me on a virtual 312 miles trek following the footsteps of my favorite Saint across the beautiful Italian countryside, I was quick to sign up for it.

I am now about a week into the challenge, and I am totally motivated to continue using the app until I reach my goal of arriving at the Vatican in Rome.  The app lets you decide on the pace you would like to go and I decided to set a goal of walking those miles in about three months because this is my first challenge and I want to make sure that I stick with it.  Every day, it takes the information from my Fitbit and calculates how far I have traveled.  On a map it shows my beginning point and how far away I have gone from it, it also shows points on the map where other travelers are at the virtual trek.  I can choose if I want to get involved in chatting with the rest of the people on the app, or whether I just want to walk on my own.  So far, I haven’t bee interreacting with the others and I prefer it that way, but it’s nice to see my progress as measured with the others for some reason it helps to keep me accountable and motivated.  There are virtual walkers who are going slow like me and others at a faster or even slower pace and that makes it a little competitive which sometimes I need.

The great thing about the app is that it also has, what it calls postcards and these cards come along every few miles and describe the place where you are and a little about Saint Francis (which I love the most)! I really enjoy that I am trying to get physically motivated, but also that I can add spirituality to the notion.  This just makes the trek, that much more special.  I feel like everyday I am on this journey with Saint Francis and we are in this together.  This is not just a challenge about getting physically active this is also about connecting with a spiritual giant and trying to learn more about him as I walk in his footsteps.  At the end of the challenge, the company will mail me a medal to commemorate my achievement. So far, I am really enjoying the process and I am thinking that it won’t be the only virtual pilgrimage that I go on, but for it being my first who better to go with me than Brother Francis!     

https://www.theconqueror.events/all-challenges/

Making the Time for Creativity

This year I want more to be more intentional about being creative.  For the past Covid years I have been living life trying to balance all the implications that an pandemic added to my life.  My job became so hectic that it eclipsed everything else.  This year, I have picked up this new motto that no work is coming home with me, that includes my thoughts, I will not fixate on all the things that I need to finish for school once I leave the site.  I have been using this technique, since I returned to work after Christmas Break and I am noticing that such a small change is really making quite a difference in my day to day.  I don’t feel this overwhelming shroud over me anymore because I am learning to compartmentalize things or maybe I am learning to set boundaries. 

All it took was something my boss said during our staff holiday lunch.  In her annual speech she said that she hoped we realized that there was more to work and to try to live our lives knowing that our family, loved ones and ourselves deserved our dedication too.  I had been so focused on my students and offering the best services possible and that became my entire focus and I was so miserable!  I felt like a robot only living to get my kids graduated during such uncertain times- this meant giving up on everything else because all of my energy was focused on doing a good job.  So, during break I began to do things that I hadn’t done since Covid hit and I realized that the more I balanced my life the more I felt like a balanced human being.

I finally restored a vintage, seventies Bottega Veneta bag that I found at The Salvation Army a couple years ago.  The bag had a big black ink stain to the faded tan leather and I knew that a dye job would restore it for another round of life.  I was able to dust my brushes and dye bottles during my time off and spend a whole day just working on the leather and bringing the bag back to its former glory.  It’s as if restoring this bag, helped reignite a fire that had burned out by the pandemic.  I began to get excited about equally frivolous things – like working on more leather projects and I felt joy.  Thus, I continued making small changes and I those small changes have reaffirmed that life needs to be about more than just work (smile).   

My Parents Wedding Rings

Last year, for my birthday I took my parents to the circus.  As I was driving us there, I told my parents, "This is the other way around instead of you taking me to the circus as a child, I am taking you guys." We laughed and recalled our humble childhood and closed the conversation grateful that we no longer live paycheck to paycheck... When I started this blog I lamented how I always wanted to have an heirloom passed on to me, but my parents had a limited beginning too. My mom often tells us (and I can hear the pain in her voice), "When your dad and I got married we didn't even have enough to take a single picture. During those times most people went without all the extras including rings."  Thus, when they had their 50th wedding anniversary I made sure to give them a professional photo session. It was such a heartwarming experiencing seeing them take those too long awaited photographs.

This Christmas, I was thinking what can I give them? Thanks be to God our fortunes have changed and materially we are blessed.  Then, I got this idea and I told my siblings about it and as a family we got our parents their wedding rings!  On Christmas Day, we were all so much more excited about what we gave then opening any presents.  When my mom opened her jewelry box and saw that she had both the engagement ring and wedding band that she had been secretly dreaming of (but never asked for) she leaped into my dad's arms like a lovestruck teenager.  My dad seeing her happiness wondered why we hadn't thought of this gift sooner.  And when you think that men are not into romance and details, let my dad's excitement when he put his band on be a testament that men are just as taken by traditional signals of love.  Unfortunately, we didn't get the right size rings and had to take them to the jewelry store to get them sized and we have to wait a few weeks to get them back.

I was sharing with a friend one of the best moments of my Christmas, and she was like, "so you married your parents there in your living room."  We of course didn't do that, but it was such a heartfelt moment to see these two lovebirds well over fifty years into their marital sacrament, look at each other with a love only stronger, deeper and most true - celebrate a ritual that had been missing, but never lacking has been their joyful-love and commitment for one another.  -- This year, I learned that while I have been making up all the things that I missed out on as an impoverish child, I can do the same with my folks.  I can help make their dreams come true, like a good fairy daughter (smile grande).