What Dreams May Come

A person can have multiple dreams… 

I love my job, just like some students don’t thrive in traditional school some teachers also need a different teaching platform to succeed.  Until, I landed my job I didn’t know schools like mine existed -where much of the learning happens in independent study.  I usually have five hour-and-a-half appointments with groups of about six students at the time, during this time I administer tests, answer questions, instruct and build rapport with my kids. Then I teach one or two English classes the traditional way each semester.  This format really works for me because I work daily very closely with a small number of students at a time and then I only need to prep for teaching two classes the traditional way with ten or more students in it.  For someone with bipolar the low student count has been such a blessing not only in the regular classroom, but daily with my student appointments.  Yes, the majority of my students are credit deficient due to poor choices or mental disabilities, but I love encouraging them and celebrating each victory because they are not used to succeeding.  Being bipolar and having to put on hold my teaching dream also makes me relate to my students and I am just so thankful that God gave me this opportunity.

While I love what I do for a living, I do have other dreams.  I would love to get married and start a family.  I think sometimes people think that just because a person can love her job- that means that no more dreams are able to continue to take place in her being.  However, I also try to live in the moment and right now I have this job where I serve teens that are struggling and I try to be a light in their path guiding them to better pastures.  Yet, the fact that I feel so blessed (after ten years of putting my dream on hold for health reasons) doesn’t mean that I am not a multi-faceted person with more dreams to bring to fruition.  I am like a diamond with many sides and each side has a dream to come.  Yet, while I work and pray for those other goals I also am enjoying the phase that I am at right now.          

Encouragement is A Two-Way Street

Encouragement is a two-way street.  These past couple of weeks at work have been super stressful as I get used to my new routine as a hybrid teacher. Now more than ever I struggle going from an in-person period to a virtual one.  My anxiety has been a huge struggle because I tend to have issues with being in control and right now flipping from one mode of teaching to another without a break to gather my bearings has been extremely challenging.  I kept asking my fellow teachers if they felt equally stressed to gage whether what I am feeling comes from the job or if I’m having severe anxiety again.  Their validation gave me hope that once I get used to my new normal, my anxiety will calm.  Then on Thursday our principal surprised us a basket of snacks to help us get through our first whole week of the grind.  That action immediately gave me a feeling of being appreciated, helped with anxiety and encouraged me to keep going. 

I am constantly trying to find ways to motivate my students (many who struggle with mental disabilities) and there are times that I also need to be encouraged too.  I think most of us appreciate having a cheerleader on our team now and then.  Most of the time I try to take that role, but when I step away and it seems like I am no longer doing it it’s because I probably need you to encourage me.  That’s why I feel so blessed to work at my school where we are small enough to be able to work in a way where we feel like a team switching roles between encouraging and receiving encouragement.

Every morning I try to encourage myself by praying in the morning and then listening to Relevant Radio on the way to work. I remind myself that God loves me unconditionally and that whatever size my problems might be, God is bigger.    

On Baptism

For the longest time, I struggled with being wrong because I had this notion of perfectionism.  This need for things to be perfect many times made my life extremely difficult because I felt like I couldn’t make a mistake, being wrong brought so many feelings of shame.  I still notice this mind block in many areas of my life.  Recently, I have noticed a greater confidence in speaking with strangers about my faith, something that I was afraid to do because I didn’t want to provide the wrong information or be stumped unable to answer a question. Yet, as I work with students who have the same issues as I do and as I find myself telling them that mistakes help us grow and they aren’t failures if we learn from them- I know that I need to practice what I teach.

Batismal font, place where Juan Diego was baptized.

So, when I went to dinner for a friend’s birthday and was sitting next to my friend’s aunt and her cousin who were animatedly perplexed about a person close to them who was Catholic and was going to baptize his infant son I decided to join the conversation to offer a Catholic perspective.  The aunt explained that infant baptisms were wrong because the child didn’t have the ability to chose Jesus as his Lord and Savior.  I explained how good parents often make choices for children without their consent knowing that it’s in the best interest of the child.  I also explained how we are creatures of God and when we are baptized we become sons and daughters of God- this means that we join God’s family.  Thus, baptism also joins us to the community and community is needed for our sanctification.  In community we will grow up in faith and in our relationship with God.

My friend’s aunt was stumped by having met with a Catholic who knows her faith and quickly went on to change the conversation, but I noticed that the cousin was relieved because she had been raised Catholic and now was protestant- but her family is still Catholic.  And the person who was going to baptize their son was her brother.  I felt in the conversation she got some level of understanding that Catholicism is ok because she was being pressured to talk to her brother on the subject.  Now having a better understanding of the sacrament, she felt her brother’s choice wasn’t sacrilegious and I saw some ease come over her.  The conversation also showed me that I am better versed in my faith then I give myself credit for and while I might get stumped with a question – I can use those moments when I am wrong or don’t know the answer as moments to learn and grow.        

Taking A Risk: Speaking About My Faith

Most of the time feel like I am the least qualified person to speak about the Catholic faith.  Always afraid of being a heretic, I try not to write about doctrine I try to just share my personal story.  During my trip to Mexico, we were in a small tour bus with people from all over the world, since we were going to visit the Shrine of Our Lady of Guadalupe there were some conversations about Catholicism among the group members, mainly among the non-Catholic folk.  I sat in my seat eavesdropping curious to hear different point of views.  A historian from the states was the most vocal.  He kept asking these two girls a bunch of questions on purgatory and indulgences and when the girls were unable to answer, satisfied he would say, “There’s so much I don’t understand about the Catholic Church as a Christian man.”  After hearing him go on and on about the absurdity of the Catholic faith and the great satisfaction he got from no one being able to give him insight into my faith, I finally decided that I would speak to him. 

On our last stop in Coyoacan when we were walking towards the Frida Kahlo museum I went over introduced myself and said, “Hey, I heard that you have some questions about the Catholic faith and I would love to give you some insight from the perspective of a practicing Catholic, while I might not have all the answers that you are looking for, I think that I can clear doubts on both purgatory and indulgences for you.”

My statement left him speechless and while I thought he would be open for ecumenical dialogue, he shut down my offer and said that he has a history teacher and knew all he needed to know about Catholicism.  Then he went on to mention his credentials as a way to intimidate me.  I told him I was also a teacher and like him I worked with high school students and also taught theology to adults hoping to join the Catholic Church.  He then went on to praise me as his tactic to get me as far away from a religious conversation as he could…  I was disappointed that he treated me with such disregard after being so lively in his interactions with everyone else on the tour who couldn’t defend our faith.  I realized then that he didn’t want to learn, but rather got satisfaction and a sense of superiority by speaking to people about his erroneous views.  Yet, inside my heart was a smile because I put myself out there to teach another outside of my RCIA classroom.  I think it must have been the fruits of seeing my Lupita.