Getting It Right

Lately I haven’t been very creative outside of my job.  I didn’t realize how much returning to teaching would take from me, especially during a pandemic.  Fellow mates who have taught over a decade tell me they haven’t worked this hard even when the classroom size was larger. So, forgive me if this space is suffering. It seems like just when I have a routine down, things turn everything upside down.  In my previous job I had the luxury of monotony, I could practically do my job “with my eyes shut” as the expression goes and this new gig leaves me depleted of energy and creative juices.

I remember that on rides home from my office job I had these great conversations with God.  I constantly asked him that if I was to remain single for the rest of my life that at least He would provide a job that gave me some fulfillment. In matters of prayer, I am still learning as I go and I think at the time I asked God for a job with purpose in my mind I thought that I could only have one and not the other.  When I began teaching, I felt like God had carved my path towards job contentment and closed the door to the possibility of marriage and family.  I put all of my energy into teaching and serving my kids to the best of my ability.  Yet, as a year has gone by since I started working I see that I am a multifaceted person.

Maybe the fact that the only thing I have been able to do this pandemic year was work and maybe the fact that all of my Bible study groups and religious activities were stripped from me that I understand that while my job gives me the greatest satisfaction- it’s not enough.  I need more.  Deep in me I still want a husband and my own family.  My previous self, thought that asking God for both things was just too much to ask for.  I still remember my fifth-grade teacher speaking to another teacher and telling her, “how he didn’t understand these immigrant Mexican girls, who when asked what they wanted to be when they grew up was to be wives and mothers.” This comment has remained with me throughout my life because the tone of his voice made it seemed like wives and mothers was beneath career women.  I think I thought that it had to be one or the other - family or career and that’s how I have presented God my plea.  In doing so, I have restricted God’s power.  Yet, with experience comes wisdom and I see that though I love working with teens and helping them complete their high school requirements- there’s more that I desire, like being a wife and a mother.