Getting It Right

Lately I haven’t been very creative outside of my job.  I didn’t realize how much returning to teaching would take from me, especially during a pandemic.  Fellow mates who have taught over a decade tell me they haven’t worked this hard even when the classroom size was larger. So, forgive me if this space is suffering. It seems like just when I have a routine down, things turn everything upside down.  In my previous job I had the luxury of monotony, I could practically do my job “with my eyes shut” as the expression goes and this new gig leaves me depleted of energy and creative juices.

I remember that on rides home from my office job I had these great conversations with God.  I constantly asked him that if I was to remain single for the rest of my life that at least He would provide a job that gave me some fulfillment. In matters of prayer, I am still learning as I go and I think at the time I asked God for a job with purpose in my mind I thought that I could only have one and not the other.  When I began teaching, I felt like God had carved my path towards job contentment and closed the door to the possibility of marriage and family.  I put all of my energy into teaching and serving my kids to the best of my ability.  Yet, as a year has gone by since I started working I see that I am a multifaceted person.

Maybe the fact that the only thing I have been able to do this pandemic year was work and maybe the fact that all of my Bible study groups and religious activities were stripped from me that I understand that while my job gives me the greatest satisfaction- it’s not enough.  I need more.  Deep in me I still want a husband and my own family.  My previous self, thought that asking God for both things was just too much to ask for.  I still remember my fifth-grade teacher speaking to another teacher and telling her, “how he didn’t understand these immigrant Mexican girls, who when asked what they wanted to be when they grew up was to be wives and mothers.” This comment has remained with me throughout my life because the tone of his voice made it seemed like wives and mothers was beneath career women.  I think I thought that it had to be one or the other - family or career and that’s how I have presented God my plea.  In doing so, I have restricted God’s power.  Yet, with experience comes wisdom and I see that though I love working with teens and helping them complete their high school requirements- there’s more that I desire, like being a wife and a mother.          

Rituals

 I have been watching the funeral for Prince Phillip, Duke of Edinburg this morning.  I do have a weakness for the royal family, Kate Middleton being my favorite.  It’s been really neat getting to see all the rituals and ways of celebrating the life of the monarch, especially after all the criticism about whether the royal family will become extinct in this cancel culture time.  From the beginning I have paid attention to all the announcements and details being shared with the public about the funeral.  I am glad that even during the pandemic the family has the ability to give their loved a small yet proper good bye. 

In the Catholic faith we know the importance of ritual and even though modernity might try to rid of it, it continues because we are creatures who need more than bread to survive.  Rituals feed our soul; they mark points in our lives both beginnings and ends; they play a role in building our personal and cultural identity; they help shape our emotions and deepen our spirituality.  In times of good byes rituals help us to share our pain and begin our healing.    

In my culture, we have many rituals surrounding the death of a loved one.  It begins with anointing of the sick, viewing, Mass, burial followed by a novena and concluding a year later at the anniversary of death with a special Mass for the departed.  I have witnessed how healing the Catholic-Mexican rituals are to those left behind in mourning and it’s beautiful to have these norms passed on thru generations because they speak when words do not suffice. 

While people are saying that the British Monarchy has no place in the future, I am glad to see on difficult days like today that their customs and traditions are bringing the country together.  Even people across the sea are fascinated with all the details about the funeral and why things are done the way they are.  It’s great to be able to see from across the ocean to see the importance of ritual even today.

Evaluating My Roles

 I had a eureka moment recently, after a year of being limited in what I could and could not do I lost the understanding that as a Catholic I am meant to live my life intentionally.  Quarantine put a stop to many activities and I (like most people) gave up without a fight.  Overwhelmed with distance learning I have been living in survival mode and have neglected so many parts of my life.  One of those has been my role as a Catholic.  When the churches were closed I struggled having to give up all the things that give my soul sustenance, but as time went on I got used to not having to go to Mass on Sunday. I got used to not being able to go pray inside a parish or attend any of the many activities that I used to participate in.  Now that everything is opening up again, I find myself struggling with leaving my house.  I got so used to being at home trying to survive that entering the world and adding more activities is giving me anxiety- even if those activities are things that nurture my being.

The closer to the inside = Underperforming. I am only extraordinary in my eBay business.

As I have reflected on my identity as a Catholic I realized that currently I am underperforming and I think that I am not the only one.  This quarantine has taken away from each of us so much, while for me it has only been activities that filled me up – I am struggling with entering back into the real world and not hiding behind a Zoom meeting.  In my social media I see people entering the world doing all sorts of fun things and I am having difficulty leaving my house.  I have gotten so used to being home that even attending Mass gives me anxiety. 

I find myself thinking how did I do all the things that I did prior to COVID?  What I have realized is that life is meant to be lived intentionally.  Before the pandemic I lived my life doing things that made me a better a human being- I wasn’t focused on just surviving.  While distance learning still takes a lot energy, leaving me feeling like I just want to vegetate in front of the television to distract me from the anxiety that teaching virtually gives me, I need to start trying to bring normalcy back into my days.  At first doing things that required no effort before might be nerve wrecking, but as they become habits the nerves will vanish.  I kept criticizing myself for having such a difficult time making Sunday Mass a routine again, but now I know that it’s normal to feel anxious about change- even if that change is good for me.  I think building up my life again post quarantine will have it’s struggles and it’s ok to have those negative feelings, but the secret is not to dwell in the anxiety, but to work with it to slowly start living not just to survive, but intentionally as God intended.        

My Cross

“I am spiritual, not religious,” yep, I was one of those people. 

I have a cross to prove it.  After I started my spiritual journey as an adult I had to do a lot of growing up before I could accept the crucifix.  I felt a bare cross was way more beautiful, inclusive and kept me far away from religious fanatics.  I remember mom taking a trip to Mexico and asking me what I wanted her to bring back and I said, “I want a wooden cross, but without Jesus on it.”  My mom, a devout Catholic, perhaps saw my shame for religious things even so she had a beautiful mahogany cross made for me.  I still display it on my bedroom wall because it reminds me of my journey back to the Catholic Church and of my mother’s tolerance as I overcame my shame for my roots and identity.

My most difficult student has severe depression and anxiety and instead of acknowledging that she needs help she blames everything on her parents.  She says her depression is caused because she lives in an apartment and her parents have minimum wage paying jobs and only speak Spanish.  Her mom constantly calls me to vent, most recently because her daughter is refusing to speak Spanish to them.  I work with this student and try to penetrate her shields and show her that there is no shame in humble roots, but she is stuck in Shameville.  I try to get her to take responsibility instead of play the victim, but she has found a resting place in her own shame.

Yesterday, I was looking at my bare cross, thinking about my journey out of shame and into accepting that I am religious after all.  My bare cross a reminder of my mom’s unconditional love.  Before I found God, I was equally insecure and sometimes ashamed of my humble beginnings including the religion that my parents had passed down to me.  “Catholic” sounded so definite and conjured so many negative associations to a former loving Nietzsche Agnostic, thus hiding behind a barren cross I felt progressive.  Yet, as I fell in love with Jesus and got to know my Catholic faith thru him, I found the greatest strength to make the leap out of shame.  On Good Friday we venerate the cross, in services all over the world each person comes towards the altar to honor the cross with a reverent touch or kiss.  It’s one of the times that you will see a barren cross at a Catholic Church, it’s such a special service to me because it reminds me of my transformation, who would have thunk that one day I would say, “I am spiritual and religious.”