I Want to Know You More

I want to know you more, the bit that I already know has me craving mas…  There was a period soon after I joined Jovenes Para Cristo that I felt this great connection to God.  The pull was so strong that I began discerning religious life.  I found myself pumping gas or trying to do any other everyday activity and thinking of God only.  I would constantly talk to Him as if He were the pilot in my life.  I slowly began giving up dressing up, wearing make-up, donated a lot of my material possessions and began gradually trying to rid myself of worldly things to make more room for God.  Prayer increased, service increased… After years of just hearing about God, I finally began to convert - to KNOW Him and fruits began to be born - to blossom.  The more the light transformed me the more I wanted to be part of it…  This whole restoration of self and change of erroneous, secular views slowly began to transform me.  And the more that I gave up ungodly things and behaviors the happier and freer I became.  Knowing God, gave people and life a different value.  I don’t think I ever loved anyone without worrying about what I was going to get in return- before God was my friend.  Knowing my heavenly Father taught me to love the right way and the instruction is still ongoing… 

Christianity is a self-denial, sacrificial love type of relationship with God and with others; dying to self to make more room for His Love which in turn makes us better lovers.  I love this line from a poem by Kahlil Gibran, “But if in your fear you would seek only love’s pleasure/ Then it’s better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love’s threshing floor…”  In today’s society we are told repeatedly that pleasure is the journey, the destination, and the totality of all human experience.  So, when God tells us that our happiness lies in obedience to Him and in loving Him and others like He first loved us, there’s this choice that must be made: follow the crowd or follow the One that created the crowd.  When there’s no relationship with God the obvious choice is to seek the world’s temporary pleasures, to stick with what you know, I mean who doesn’t like an easy fix; but, when we open our hearts to Him we open our lives to eternity.  Not to some transitional form of feeling good, but a Spirit of contentedness in and every situation.  Change is scary, but don’t let fear stop you from changing your life one small step at a time.  Sometimes I feel like I take one step forward and two steps backward- the important thing is to keep trying.  God sees our hearts and loves to see us try to be what He knows we are capable of becoming.

I find myself thinking about marital love these days and I think how scary untraveled paths can be.  What if he doesn’t like me?  What if I am not smart enough for him? What if I am too plebeian? What if I am still such a newbie to the Catholic faith and (he’s been a cradle Catholic) will he dislike me because of my ignorance?  I think all these negative thoughts and starting a conversation with a man leaves me stunted, immobile… because it’s darn scary revealing yourself to someone and having them reject you.  This is where prayer is essential.  I light a paschal candle every night and pray the rosary, along with other prayers and during these moments as I reflect on the mysteries and pray for others God gives me direction and literally empowers me.  In prayer I ask God to help me change in the ways I need to change and to bring me a man without a critical bone in his body (smile).  While I might still be working on developing trust in my relationships I trust God completely.  And I know that if I want a compassionate, humble man who will accept me for who I am and where I am spiritually- I also need to be a compassionate, humble woman who will accept others for who they are and where they are spiritually.  AND to not be intimidated with those who have followed God way longer than I have (wink).