In Houston
my friend took three of us to a holy hour with a charismatic group that she
belongs too. It was a beautiful hour in
the presence of our Lord. As we made our
way out towards the parking lot a man we had never met told us that he had been
praying for us so that God would give us the gift of patience. I was really intrigued by his announcement
and knew that it was the Holy Spirit speaking through him. You see, single Christian women are told constantly
to wait to be pursued. I know that since
my mom had “the talk” with me she ingrained in my brain the female Christian norms
of waiting. Some days it’s easier to
live with this dating philosophy, but other times I feel like I am wasting my
time. I know I speak an awful lot about
the death of my brother- but losing him changed me- my life divided in two: while
he lived and after he died. His death
gave my life context: people and time had new meaning. I find myself thinking of the promises I made
him on his death bed – like living a life with no regrets and to not take time
or people for granted- and I cringe at times thinking of days wasted- because
waiting with no tangible results can be despairing.
Every
Sunday, I help out with RCIA for the first half of my day. Yesterday, we had a beautiful prayer service
for our elected and as I sat interceding for them I realized that waiting is an
active time. We are called to take care
of our God given lot and trust that God will take care of our needs. Thus, while we wait we need to be active in
our relationships and our responsibilities.
Spend time loving you friends and family, work hard, educate and form
yourself, grow in spirituality, help your neighbor, live an authentic faith… Learn
to be happy with the people and gifts God has already given you so that when He
adds more you will know how value and appreciate all of His offerings. Waiting does not mean waiting by the phone for the man you like to call you- but to worship God in word and deed enjoying all the phases of your life.
Women are
continually told to wait, but men also need to hear that they need to pursue. Pray about the girl that you like and then act. I know rejection is scary- but waiting
forever or not acting at all is worse. Prayerfully
follow your heart and mind- and know that you are the leader so it’s up to you
to initiate, to be clear about your motives and establish the pace of the
relationship. I was listening to a talk
on courtship the other day and the speaker made a great point about asking a
girl out on a date knowing that it’s just the first step towards beginning a
godly friendship that might or might not lead to marriage, "godly men pursue godly women for friendships in the hope that the friendship moves towards marriage because he who finds a wife finds what is good." The speaker stated how sometimes men over
analyze that first date and give it too much value (equivalent to a marriage
proposal) and they psych themselves never asking anyone out. Now with so many ways to keep in touch- it’s
easy to begin a friendly dialogue.
The thing is to act. If a woman
is sending you signals that she’s interested, that she likes you- don’t be
afraid to pursue. She needs you to-
because she wants to get to know you better.
If she’s Christian she already loves you as her brother in Christ and
when you are loved like that only goodness can be built upon that. With someone who loves you as a brother in Christ you can be honest, "I like you, can we can hang out more..." because she wants the best for you. Honesty is refreshing and she will admire you for it.
Great post! We know that both men and women are wounded--it's as old as the Garden of Eden. Women should wait but feel they have to act or life will pass them by (like Eve) and men should act but are afraid of being rejected (like Adam who stood passively next to Eve as she ate the bad fruit). Both sexes have to move beyond their woundedness and beyond how the culture tells us to behave. Men need kick passivity to the curb and learn how to ask women out again. Women need to let go of their desire to dominate and learn how to drop the hanky. And we all need lots and lots of prayer!
ReplyDeleteThat's so true! Prayer and action- and to die to ourselves because a lot of time pride and selfishness keep us from giving ourselves to others. We are great at taking, but giving - especially of ourselves in the trajectory of finding a spouse- we are not very good at. Women are better at giving than men are in these situations so we need to pray for our men so that they leave that passivity and pursue relying completely on God. Saint John Paul II spoke to men about this in his theology of the body, “We are quite ready to take, or conquer, in terms of enjoyment, profit, gain and success-and even in the moral order. Then comes the question of giving, and at this point we hang back, because we are not prepared to give… This is the result of the fact that we men do not have a deep enough interior life- our interior lives are defective and lacking in depth.” A speaker went on to say that men suffer from selfish aggression (overbearing and domineering spirit) or selfish passivity (meek and refuse to engage, lead, pursue). So, I agree prayer is indeed needed as well as patience and love.
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