Sometimes when my thoughts become so
intolerable I grab the keys to my car and drive off without a destination,
music blaring in hopes of drowning the obsessive thoughts… On Friday night, I was overcome with despair and
into the dark night I drove taking the Pacific Coast Highway into the Hills of
Newport Beach. At times there were no
street lights and it seemed like I was literally being engulfed by
darkness. When I was an agnostic- I used
to imagine death as this dark, permanent, peaceful slumber. As I drove on Friday for a moment I wished
that the darkness would kiss me with his everlasting sleep and that I would
never wake up again. Suffocating pain,
hopelessness and anger all suppressed my usual cheerful self… I don’t get these dark spells often anymore,
in fact I can’t remember the last time my thoughts overpowered me; but, on
Friday they did and I sinned giving into the darkness and forgetting the
promises of God. After the tears and
anger subsided I felt empty, unsure about my faith, my doubts intensified. Just the previous night I had participated in
a beautiful midnight service in honor of Jesus’ birth and twenty-four hours
later the peace and hope had been replaced with shadows and gloom. My being was going through a spiritual battle
just one day after the joyful birth of Jesus in my heart!
Christmastime is a time of hope- but when
one’s hope is in the wrong places the results can be devastating… My sister had an argument with her husband
over gifts, my brother-in-law had a disagreement with his dad over his dad’s
lack of support and insensitivity, my nephew was crying frustrated because the
toy I got him was too difficult for him to put together, and I was sad over
some personal, trivial issue. It took a
day for the light of Jesus’ birth to be extinguished with worries and disagreements. As I thought about it, I knew that we weren't the only ones waking on the twenty-sixth with issues regarding material gifts,
weak family dynamics, heart woes or faith troubles… Focus on God – seek first the kingdom of God
and His righteousness and all these things will be added to you- the bible
tells us. But… What does it mean to
focus on God? How can one focus on an
invisible God? Am not sure, but I know
too well how to take my focus away from Him… I take my focus away from God when
I concentrate on my pain, on my heartache, on my suffering and THEN my problems
become bigger, my heartaches too heavy, and my suffering too much to withstand.
Letter from Mother Teresa
On Saturday, morning I woke up still
melancholic, but something in me refused to continue empowering the
misery. I looked at my book shelve and
my eyes rested on a book that I had not read on spiritual warfare and I began
reading it. Though the book wasn’t that
helpful- I realized that I need to talk with God, ask for forgiveness and to hope
even if I didn’t feel like it. I went to
reconciliation- then I headed to a place I love to pray at for an hour retreat
and then went to watch a cheerful Christmas play.
The Trinity Broadcasting Network in Costa
Mesa is this beautiful location lit up year round- and I love going there to
just be reminded about God’s greatness and how one man changed the world in a
way no other has. The thousands of lights
that adorn the location gives me immediate joy, which as I write this post I
find it quite humorous that the night before I was driving in darkness and the
following night I was surrounded by light (SMILE). The broadcasting center is very luxurious and
all the beauty and art is dedicated to Jesus – which I find extremely meaningful! Anyway- I am still in this journey and I
think it’s important to share that I am weak, I fall a lot, but God always
helps me up. I believe that my doubts
will continue to be a source of my spiritual struggle- but what I have learned is
that God will never give up on me and I NEED to never give up on Him either. Hope you had a Merry Christmas and that God's spirit is still lit in your hearts - bright and beautiful.
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