Teaching with Severe Anxiety

I am constantly amazed by how God works in our lives.  During the period that I was laid off, I watched a documentary, “Girls Incarcerated,” a series that follows teenage girls locked up in American correctional facilities.  One of the things that stood out from the series was that credentialed teachers worked with the teens to help them continue their education while in the facility.  Teachers only had four or five students in the classroom at a time and most of the instruction was small group classes and independent study.  As someone who was thinking of getting back into education, I started considering non-traditional ways of teaching as perhaps being best for me being bipolar.  Thus, I started applying at correctional facilities and continuation schools and one day I sent my resume to the charter that I am currently at and the rest is providential history.

The school where I work at, I see about eight students each hour and provide guidance, tutoring and instruction on a one-on-one basis.  I check in with each, help them with assignments and test them on units that they complete. Thus, I work with all grades and subject matter throughout the day.  Each semester the school offers traditional classes for students that struggle or will benefit from direct instruction.  This semester I am teaching three two-hour long eleventh grade traditional English classes.  Though I love teaching and being in front of the classroom sharing my passion with others- I struggle with big time anxiety every time that I have to be in front of a classroom.  I think it’s the reason that I left education ten years ago.  This week each day that I had to deliver the lesson I almost peed my pants, but as the week came to a close, I realized how much God has been acting in my life!

The whole structure of my job has made being a teacher for someone with severe anxiety to do something that I love even with my disability.  Only three times a week I get to deal with severe anxiety attacks and I am learning how to reduce the stress.  The fact that my classroom size is small when compared to a traditional school and that I have so much support staff to help me has helped in reducing the stress.  Also, prayer this semester I have dedicated my job to Our Lady of Prompt Succor, I constantly ask for her intercession.  In addition to praying for each of my students and the goals that I want to achieve.  I am still working on learning more strategies to reduce the anxiety before delivering a lesson in a traditional classroom setting, yet I thank God constantly for placing me in a school so fitted for someone with bipolar.   

New Intercessor

I was feeling a bit overwhelmed earlier in the week, so I made the time to sit in with Jesus in the Blessed Sacrament and just spill my little heart.  After I shared with Him the struggles that I was currently facing I opened my Laudate App to the saint of the day and discovered a new title for Our Lady.  I was reading a short bio on Our Lady of Prompt Succor.  In 18^th century, the Ursuline Sisters in Louisiana found themselves short of teachers due to political changes in leadership and strong anti-Catholic sentiments. After requesting the intervention of President Thomas Jefferson and seeking the help of Pope Pius VII, Mother St. Michel prayed in front of a statue of the Blessed Virgin Mary to obtain the help she had requested. Mother St. Michel received quick, favorable responses from both the president and the pope and she promised Our Lady that she would ask a workman to carve a statue of Mary in flowing robes holding the infant Jesus so that it would appear like Mary was moving quickly.  Shortly after, Mother Mitchel arrived in New Orleans with the statue of Our Lady of Prompt Succor and many teachers to assist the Ursuline Academy… Many miracles have since been attributed to the intercession of the Blessed Mother under the title of Our Lady of Prompt Succor; thus, Pope Pius IX authorized public devotion under the new Marian title.

Having found a new helper to intercede for me, I presented my requests to Our Lady of Prompt Succor.  I left the chapel feeling lighter knowing that my struggles had been left at the feet of Jesus.  It wasn’t even the end of day when I started getting answers to my petitions. An issue I was having with a staff member resolved and then later in the week, after asking my credential to be expedited thinking it would occur at earliest in February I got notified that the Commission on Teaching Credentialing had approved my case!  I still will have to do the two-year induction program to clear it, but am so happy to have my credential back again as is my employer.  I still can’t believe how quickly my prayers were answered, but I guess one doesn’t mess with a prompt Virgin Mary… (smile)

Things are falling into place, and I am finally beginning to feel like I am establishing a new routine.  Having an established order is now allowing me to pick up some of the responsibilities outside of work.  Though my Monday night Bible Study will probably not workout I am hopeful that I can still keep going to the Rise Women’s Group and the Giana Club regularly because I do need to be around people that inspire my faith and motivate me to continue opening my life to God.  It is through these friendly encouragements that I discover new intercessor friends that make my path a whole lot more easy.      

Bringing 2020 with Faith

Happy New Year!  Sometimes we make plans and life takes a different route.  I had planned on getting Francis neutered during my two-week winter break, but I didn’t anticipate that I would be caring for an invalid for over a week.  Dollar healed rather quickly and didn’t require wearing a cone of shame because he didn’t lick his wounds. Francis from the moment I got him has shown me that he’s not going to be easy.  It’s been almost a week since his surgery and he still doesn’t want to walk more than take a few steps, he yelps every time he needs a potty break and he needs a barrier because he’s a licker.  Thus, this last week I have been making sure that he doesn’t lick open his sutures.  It’s been difficult because I was counting on Francis healing at the speed that Dollar did, but he’s required much more care; so, I’ve had to spend my time at home keeping a close eye on my pup.

Ending the year was a much calmer experience this year, my nephew is a teenager now.  He has entered the age where his little group of friends are his preference and our annual New Year countdown party was a no go this year.  It worked out, because with caring for Francis I had my hands full.  Thus, don’t take it personal if I don’t have my annual countdown pictures to go with this post.  Ending 2019, was a sweet-sorrow this year because with my grandma ill our spirits as a family were not as cheerful.  Yet, she made it through the holidays and though now we are praying for God to end her suffering and call her home we are joyful to bring another year with her here on earth.

This morning, I have my meeting with the Rise girls and I am excited to be getting back to nurturing my faith because with my new job I had to stop all faith activities while I establish a new routine.  Slowly this 2020 I am hopeful that with each day I will join community again, because I do need religious friends to remind me of Jesus and help me keep Him the center of my life especially among all the change.  Tomorrow I will have my Epiphany party with my Franciscan community – so while I didn’t get to do as much as I hoped during my two weeks off, I am glad that I was able to meet up with holy friends.      

   

My Christmas Letter

There was a time when Christmas letters would fill the mailboxes, thus I decided that I would write my very own this year…

Dear Friends,

Time sure has a way to aid us in our struggles and bring with it healing and new adventures. As a kid growing up in a chaotic home, I would tell myself, “in one year this problem won’t be an issue anymore.”  It was my way of finding hope and encouragement to get through the hard days.  As an adult, this past year I relied on that coping mechanism to get through some difficult times.  At the beginning of the year I lost my job and weeks later I had to let my old dog pass on to Assisi Heaven.  While losing my job was difficult, it gave me the opportunity to try my hand at running a small online store.  I always had a dream of owning a vintage store and thanks to my luck in scoring great finds at thrift stores, I was able to make twenty-thousand from what I consider a hobby.  Thus, I made the best of a situation that was out of my control. 

Thanks to the money that I made I was able to take sometime off and not worry about how I would pay my bills.  I was able to spend a couple weeks with my grandma in Mexico and it was one of the best blessings of my year.  After returning from my trip, I began looking for work.  Though at first, I felt like my resume was hitting deaf ears soon I began getting calls for interviews and eventually landed a job.  I don’t remember applying at the school that I was hired at- the whole hiring process felt surreal and I knew that God was behind the entire process.  The fact that I landed a job at a continuation school that works with students who are failing out of high school really has been the greatest gift.  I get to work with small groups of students at a time, sometimes one-on-one and my classes are tiny compared to the traditional classroom size.  This more individualized approach to learning has made it successful for a person with bipolar to have a career in teaching.  I really marvel all the time as to how God found the perfect place for me to succeed in doing something that I love.

In early February I lost my fifteen-year-old companion who made many appearances here on the blog.  I remember waking up crying the days that followed his passing and finding no rest until I received his remains and was able to plant him in our garden.  Dollar was such a great dog who shared so much of my life and it was one of the hardest things to let him go.  After a few months of mourning his loss, I realized that I needed to rescue another dog.  I was in pain and this pain could be transferred into love for another little dog who needed a home.  After stalking animal shelter pages, a friend posted that she needed to get rid of a litter of puppies.  The rest is Francis history!  Though, Francis in no way has usurped Dollar’s place in my heart – loving him has been quite easy.  Everyday, my affection for him grows and though it’s been a challenge starting again with a puppy – I am optimistic about our future together.

Sometimes, at the end of the year people say things like: “this has been the worst year of my life!”  And though my twenty-nineteen has been full ends – through my faith and reading the lives of the saints – I am learning that no matter the hardships there’s always so much to be thankful for.  I am still adjusting to all the change, but looking forward to starting a new year full of expectation for things to come.  Thanks for reading, have a Happy New Year. 

XOXO

On Christmas Decorating

I put up the outside lights last Sunday, just the icicles that go around the edge of the roof.  I did so thinking of dad and how happy he would be if he returns before Christmas.  This December I realized that dad has taken over the Christmas-decorating-partner-in-crime-spot that my brother left open with his heavenly parting.  Dad’s enthusiasm normally pumps me up to decorate, he’s quite the holiday motivational speaker.  It’s not just the fact that I get help with the big project of putting up decorations, but the bonding that goes with the job that musters the energy to deck the halls with boughs of holly. 

I spoke with dad yesterday and he was telling me that the doctor said that grandma can last days, months, even years in her weak state – so my parents have decided to return home for Christmas.  Two of my uncles will stay with grandma, now the siblings will alternate time with her. Many times, in life we are torn between being into places at once and since bilocation is impossible – we have to place our trust in God that He will take care of all of us. 

These past few months have been filled with a lot of change and unexpected events. Yet, there’s always so much to be thankful for- so much light that makes it through the tunnel.  Though, this year I still have to put up the tree, the nativity and all the decorations that normally warm my home- in my heart I am still trying to prepare for the birth of my Savior.  While the outside might not look as festive as it did years past, inside me the desire for Jesus is even greater.  I desire the peace and joy of Christmas and most of all the acceptance of Mary when the Angel told her of God’s plan for her, “May it be done to me according to your word.”

Made in the Eighties

I found this blingy sequin top straight from the eighties, literally some fashionista wore in the over the top era and donated it for someone else to have a little fun!  Though, this year with all the changes that I have had as of late, I didn’t make the time to plan my annual, thematically, fun celebration – I decided that at least my birthday outfit would have a little meaning.  Thus, though the temperatures have dropped in California, to an utterly non-sunny feel I decided to wear my silk, beaded, gold, sequin, vintage blouse and take some pictures before the cardigan went on (smile).  Even when one is sick (just a note away from bronchitis) dressing up can really elevate the mood.  Not sure if the made in the eighties look or just the spoiled merriment that I received from friends and loved ones – or a combination of the two- but not even the flu stole the happy from my birthday this year. 

A couple months leading to my birthday I had the BFF’s asking when I was sending my invite to this year’s celebration and I kept surprising them saying that this year I didn’t think there would be a party.  Am not sure if it’s the bipolar or my introversion, but I have difficulty with transitions.  It takes me a few months to get into the grove of change until eventually finding my routine.  I was just getting used to having a puppy when I got hired working a shift that I have never worked before (quite a distance from home too).  At work I still don’t feel like I have found my rhythm, there’s so much learning taking place – I feel like a sponge that is just absorbing and not yet discovered my place.  I feel like the staff (though extremely supportive) are so different from me.  BUT- I love what I am doing!  I love working with kids guiding them in their path while sharing my passion for literature.  The work I do, makes the daily two hours stuck in traffic, the obstacles with the credentialing office, the school politics and just personal challenges worth it.  With change comes a lot of growth and I think that what I am feeling is just the signs of me growing.

Working a ten to six shift with an hour drive each way has perhaps been the biggest hurdle.  I am still trying to assimilate, which only became more difficult when my grandma got sick and my parents had to go to her, leaving me with a six-month puppy that can’t be left alone for ten hours.  While having a dog walker come in to give Francis a midday break has been successful, I find that once I come home, I can no longer go to my bible study nights because I feel so guilty leaving him crated for a few more hours.  Thus, my days are spent at work or trying to care for my pup.  I know that as I get into the grove of things, I will slowly figure out how to better arrange my day and add my much needed fellowship time; but for now I am just trying to get by.  My weekends also get lost in activity prepping for the upcoming week, thus I feel like I don’t have the time for anything else.  Yet, I know that I usually deal with change, by doing only what is necessary and once I get a handle on that then I begin to get creative again.  So, am ending this year without much thought to birthdays or holidays because I am still just trying to find my rhythm in all the good change happening in my life.  While some people are great with change for me transitions are difficult and I am slow in adapting.  Yet, once I adapt and establish my routine I will add color to my life again taking back those activities that nurture my soul and sharing it with you (smile). So be patient with me. 

Never Give Up

Last night my dog kept me up with a bout of diarrhea.  In the end, I slept on the living room sofa so that he would have access to the yard as needed.  In all honesty, sometimes I wonder what I was thinking when I decided to get a puppy.  Dollar was such an easy dog, so well mannered and peaceful.  Francis is the opposite.  Recently, I started taking him to the dog park and was going into the small dog side, but people began having problems with Francis’ energy.  He loves to rough play (which is normal dog behavior) and owners in the small side felt my dog was too rough.  One owner even told me to take my dog to socialization classes before bringing him to the dog park.  In the back of my mind I was thinking- the park is supposed to be a place for dogs to learn how to play with one another.  My little, black mop is adorable – but quite a handful. So, I decided to take my chances and enter the big dog side after reviewing that small and big dogs are not supposed to be predatory towards one-another.  My risk proved to be the best decision because on the far-right corner I met a group of retired folks with dogs who welcomed by ball of energy.  He’s been baptized Fuzzball by the leader of the group, a lady with silver hair and the most wonderful disposition.  

Owning a dog who’s a little different has given me a humility check, because I previously thought I was the dog whisperer because I had Dollar with the winning temperament.  He never gave me any problems nor were we ever asked to leave the dog park- he was a model dog.  Francis on the other hand has required more attention and even with outside training he still requires a lot of patience.  Though dog ownership doesn’t compare to parenting I can see how difficult parents have it with children with special needs.  They can be judged harshly even if they are doing everything in their power to help their kids succeed.  This week I had a mother (who is an elementary school teacher) sit through her daughter’s class to make sure her daughter showed up to school and worked during the period that she was there.  She’s a school teacher (I thought) and has such a challenging teen daughter who is flunking out of high school.  Most of the kids I work with have different stories, but their common ground is that they are not succeeding in school.  Some have parents that are done- they have given up on their children and I seriously get it because sometimes I want to be done with Francis.  I feel like all my attempts to make him a well-behaved dog go down the drain when I find another item he destroyed or when he bites me because he’s too excited or when someone at the dog park tells me to remove Francis from the playground.

Nevertheless, when I find a group of people where my Fuzzball is accepted it gives me hope that we just have to get through his puppy stage.  When I come home after a stressful day and Francis runs to me with caresses galore or when we go on a walk and I see his giddiness for the great, new world- I fall all over in love with him.  In a similar way I see the way my school gives kids who have been a handful in previous setting, bloom so beautifully and I relearn that no one should ever be given up on.  Not even an immature pup that requires a little time to become a great dog.

Mi Abuela

My only surviving grandparent is gravely ill…  When I was a child just moved to the United States, I would hear classmates talk about their grandparents taking them to the movies or other places of entertainment.  I would hear little girls rave about the new dress their grandma got them, some would even get taken out of school early to spend a day of spoiled merriment. In my little girl’s heart, I wondered why I had been so unlucky.  Why was I stuck with grandparents from the old country who didn’t understand a thing about spoiling their grandkids?  Though when my abuelos visited they would make themselves available to tell me stories of the past, I resented that they couldn’t be more hip- just more American.

Thankfully with age comes maturity. My grandma is a very wise woman who has lived quite a full life.  A life filled with her share of woes, but also with much happiness.  This year I visited her in Michoacán and every day I would spend hours sitting with her in her garden of flowers.  I got to hear stories of my past, stories that dated even before I was conceived and I got such a great sense of where I come from. She’s an extremely Catholic woman, who daily prays the rosary.  When I was in Mexico, I was able to pray it with her.  When she visited California, I would always make sure she got to Sunday Mass.  I remember, one Sunday I took her to Mass with me and right after I had to stay for my RCIA class, so I decided that I would leave mass quickly to drive grandma home and make it to my meeting on time.  As I was trying to rush, thinking I am going to be late, grandma stays put in the pew and says, “it’s never ok to leave Mass before the final blessing.” She has her priorities straight!

The more that I have gotten to know her, the more I realize that God gave me the best grandma.  Every week my dad calls Mexico and she always makes sure to say, “I am praying for Penny for _______.”  She might not give me material gifts, but she’s filled my life with constant prayer intentions presented to our Lord.  Though her body is failing, her mind has always been sharp.  I knew when I visited her earlier this year, that I was most likely seeing her for my last time, nevertheless I didn’t think her end would come so quickly.  My parents are with her now and though we hope that God will allow us more time with her, we are also conforming to His will.  She’s a strong woman who has truly added life to her years, a great example to follow and still the glue that keeps all of us together.  May it be done according to His will.           

On Learning

Learning fascinates me.  When I was in college, I had a classmate that was in his nineties who was taking the history course simply for fun and I thought that’s going to be me when I grow up.  Lately, my life has been taken over by learning, by opening areas of my brain that sat undeveloped during the past few years.  I find myself studying works of literature, refreshing myself on literary analysis tools and my least favorite grammatical rules.  Yet, as unpleasant as relearning grammar- I am so inspired and excited to be back doing something that I am truly passionate about.  A student of mine, with an autistic obsession with Star Wars was telling me how he loves to learn all about the films.  He’s disappointed in how the newer films have not remained true to the original movies.  We were having this great discussion that went into how he has a trait that few people have and that is that he loves to learn beyond the surface details.  He belongs to an online community of Star Wars fans who blog about all the weaknesses in the newer films, so I suggested he do his argumentative essay on this particular subject.  Few people make the time to learn beyond the surface and when I find a kindred spirit, I thank God for placing such a motivational soul in my journey.

This past week, as I worked with students’ I also had to attend a meeting with all the English teachers in our charter in hopes of creating a learning community where we can collaborate and just help each other out.  I also began my Induction Program at Antioch University.  This is my least favorite since I have to drive from my work across the world to get to class.  When I left teaching due to my disability – I was unable to finish the induction process and my credential since expired; making it mandatory for me to do extraordinary steps for renewal.  So, once a month I will have to make the voyage to Culver City until I complete the two-year program to take my credential from preliminary to permanent.  I feel like it’s just a way for agencies to make money because I am really not learning anything that I haven’t picked up as an educator.  I’m finding that a lot of what education is becoming paperwork.  Just looking good on paper and this program is helping me get all the paperwork that the CTC requires for credential renewal.

These past few weeks have been difficult in the amount of activity that now occupies my life, but slowly I am establishing a routine.  I am still amazed at how I haven’t had a breakdown yet and how my brain is actually behaving.  Prayer has been an integral part of this new journey and while I do complain about the long drive to and from work, in a way it’s a blessing because my car is usually the place where I unwind.  My car is usually the place where I pray and where I play podcasts that help my mind focus on God and not on the list of things to do.  Though my mind is great at panicking by looking too far into the future, through daily prayer I am reminded to live one day at a time.  It’s also nice working so close to the San Juan Capistrano Basilica because if I am truly stressed, I just go in for a little face to face with Jesus.  Continue keeping me in your prayers as I do you in mine.    

Halloween: Guardian Angels

I do love Halloween because as Shakespeare so rightly stated, “All the world’s a stage and all men and women are merely players.”  October thirty-first is the one day a year where we can use our imaginations without judgement.  This year, I intended to play tribute to guardian angels.  I bought my dog his wings a few months ago without realizing how much he would grow and I found my self trying to stuff his little body like a sausage into his costume.  Then I had the complication of dealing with a puppy who challenged the costume and taking a picture was like pulling teeth!  I also didn’t have my costume complete, I only had the wings, so I owe you pictures for this year’s costume tribute to guardian angels.

Growing up, I had an image above my bed of a guardian angel walking behind two small children that always made me feel safe.  Every night before going to sleep I would jump into the action of the painting so much so that I had such a concrete image of the bridge and natural surroundings.  In my mind, the bridge made a mousy squeak and all around me was an Eden with the most magnificent greens and music of nature.  The beautiful Guardian Angel with her flowy gown and locks of sunshine made everything safe, though she stood tall behind me, she was really leading the way into the unknown. Even though I have always been apprehensive about new territory in the painting with such a holy angel I sought adventure.

When I returned to the Catholic church, I learned that I had a designated guardian angel, one given only to me by God.  Though, I have the Holy Spirit that accompanies me until the end of time- having a guardian angel is such a consolation.  When I am struggling- usually experiencing inner conflict I call to my angel and ask her to be with me and like in the image that I grew up admiring to walk tall behind me leading the way.  It’s such a comfort and strength knowing that I am never alone, that God in his generosity gave me a celestial being to accompany me every step of my journey to heaven.  In the direst of situations, I pray one of the first prayers I learned as a child (which luckily never left me) and instantly I get the sense that I am not alone in my struggle.  I pray it in Spanish, which is the language I learned it in, and maybe the fact that it’s in the language of my mother I immediately feel it’s comforting effects.

God truly is a magnificent lover, who lavishes us (the object of his affection) with so many gifts that will make clear our path towards heaven. Even sending each of us our own very special guardian angel!