Virtual Life

These last couple of weeks have been full of change and for most of us change is difficult.  Change takes us out of our comfort zone and makes us vulnerable.  I had to start teaching from home, from one day to the next I was expected to open my home to all of my students and all of the staff.  On here I have mentioned that one of my weaknesses is opening my home to people especially those that I don’t know well enough.  I wasn’t asked if I would be ok with this, I was just asked to do as I was told.  From day one our VP was like I want everyone on camera and I was freaking out!  In fact, I had a little breakdown before I made peace with the need to go on virtually to support my kids.  I had to learn all these new gadgets and how to perform my job entirely on a different platform.  I hated that everyone was like, “Now that you have more time enjoy…” because I don’t have more time.  Sometimes I feel like I have less time because like many - I am performing an entirely different job…

While validation from my colleagues has helped me understand that the stress and also the vulnerability that I feel is mutually shared- what has helped me get through this most has been the work of priests going virtual too.  I love that I get to pray the rosary, attend the Stations of the Cross, go to Adoration and simply hear and see them online telling me that all is well.  Yesterday, I was listening to Relevant Radio while I worked and thought of earlier days when families would gather around the radio to listen to broadcasts just as I was doing.  Technology can help us form community.  This week I joined two chats with friends and it was such a blessing to be able to see each other and share even during quarantine. It’s weird to say this, but we are so fortunate that this quarantine happened during a period in time when we have access to so much technology.

This week I resumed my classes and I only had one absence! On the first day I asked my students if they wanted to meet virtually or if they just wanted to work through Google Classroom getting lessons and assignments from there and to my surprise, they all voted to have virtual class.  Their excitement to meet online transformed my thoughts on virtual teaching and now I am excited to get creative and offer the best service I can from my home.  I realized that they are at home, bored without their friends and coming to class they get to see their buddies and socialize.  During this time separated from each other we all need a beacon of hope as Pope Francis said we can’t be saved alone. Salvation is a communal process – we need each other to get to heaven.  So as I uncomfortably let new people into my home, I am so thankful for all the priests that are doing the same because while I crave for the Sacraments - for now virtual community will suffice.     

Franciscan in Waiting

We can’t always get what we want.

I have been trying to become a Secular Franciscan for some time now and it appears like Saint Francis is teaching me a lesson on humility.  The fraternity in which I am currently undergoing formation is not the most organized.  We lost our spiritual director, after Sister Miriam retired and moved to Hawaii.  Since, we have not been able to get a replacement. Not having a spiritual director means that my profession day is not insight and I am even stuck unable to move from one stage to the next in the process. In fact, I have been stuck in inquiry (even though I attend and work in formation diligently) for the duration of my formation.  Finally, a ray of hope, today, I was actually going to be interviewed by the fraternity leaders to move to the next stage in formation, but due to the quarantined that interviewed has been cancelled.

Last time I complained about my progression being put on hold, I was told to spiritually feel like I am still growing even if I can’t partake of the ritual just yet.  I know that Franciscan spirituality is about humility, not professions, of not focusing on garnering the title that officially unites me to the Secular Franciscan Order.  I’m trying really hard to not focus on the fact that I might be the longest person in formation before profession, but to the side of me that likes to accomplish goals it’s hard to accept that I keep getting denied something that my heart wants so much.  I’m uncontrollably stuck in limbo. When I was told that the meeting for my interview had been cancelled I really couldn’t help, but laugh because again I was being told to remain put.

This Lent has been one where I didn’t have to think of sacrifice with the world in crisis, I have been forced to sacrifice just like most of us have.  Who knows when I will get the opportunity to interview again, or when I will finally be able to make my profession… I could get angry, or give up, but this trial has me feeling like the many saints who wanted to join holy orders, but were denied and how hard they persevered.  Especially Saint Therese, the Little Flower, who due to her young age was denied and she just pressed on imitating Christ until eventually she entered the Carmelites.  I am doing what’s in my control and leaving to God what only He can control.

Being Prepared

It’s been an interesting week, while at the beginning the biggest hurdle was the thought of assimilating to the time change as the week progressed the fear of COVID-19 contagion escalated and everything was about staying sanitized.  I’ve never been one to lose my peace over the annual health scares, but as the week progressed and the fear of people continued to escalate – I realized that at times like this having a strong relationship with God really helps avoid panic.  Most of the preventative measures that are being taken around the country are for our safety.  It’s good to be prepared the Gospel tells us so.  I call to mind the “Parable of the Ten Virgins” who wait for their bridegroom, of the ten only five are prepared and thus rewarded.  During the Middle Ages this parable was extremely popular being the subject of many pieces of art.  The theme of being prepared for Judgement Day resonated with people of this time.  Today, in the culture of “Good Vibes,” death is not a popular subject; thus, when things out of our control happen, things that push us to stare death in the face there’s a rise to panic. 

On Tuesday, I was told that Antioch University was on the verge of closing down due to the pandemic and yesterday after teetertottering all day at work my school finally decided to shut down physically and work on staying open virtually.  Next week, we will have training on how to teach virtually because we are a non-traditional school and no pandemic will stop our kids from graduating!  While the whole virus situation hasn’t given me any anxiety the thought of going virtual has me on edge because we have a difficult student population that require constant coaching and from a virtual setting am not sure how successful they will be.  I also have a few kids who don’t own a computer or have internet access at home so next week all these worries will hopefully be addressed.  I hate change, just when I was beginning to find my groove at work, now I need to learn to teach in a different platform and one of my weaknesses is technology.  Computers have never been my friends.  

A friend texted me yesterday overwhelmed by the effects of the virus at her work and I thought how fitting that this is happening during a time of penance, when we take on discomfort and offer it up to the Lord.  A time when we reflect on the Passion of Christ on his agony and eventually our salvation.  Things might get more strange before scientist develop a cure, but I sure am happy that God is in my heart and that the lessons I learned during the light are guiding me during the night.

Community

I had to accompany my mom to get some medical tests this morning, so am running a little late.  This week, I want to write about community.  I am an introvert and though I value and even require time alone, I know that no woman is an island.  With the new job, my whole life changed in terms of the activities that I used to participate outside of my employment.  Usually, I get home daily at 7PM and have to address a puppy who is still in training so I had to put my religious activities on hold. Though my parents keep an eye on him during the day at night I need to be home to make sure he stays out of trouble because Francis is still in the destructive phase.  Fortunately, this last week I was able to go to some of the events that I used to attend (because of an early Spring Break) and I must admit that though praying alone has its merits – the power of doing so in community is immeasurable.

It took a few months of going without my community to realize that people who say that they can do Christianity alone or without a church are terribly wrong.  This past week of daily being in the presence of holy friends and my community filled me up so much.  I was able to ask people to intercede for my mom, have conversations with depths of meaning and just worship God with others.  Last Sunday, I went to a Maronite Gala and though it was a fundraising event, I got to learn so much from a group of people who have experienced first-hand persecution.  This particular day, they were celebrating the parish’s twenty-fifth anniversary and I got to hear about the many migrants who left Antioch because of religious persecution.  Many of the people present only spoke Lebanese, but I got to see how much they treasure their faith.  One girl was sharing how she tattooed the name of Jesus on her wrist, so that if she got taken she wouldn’t be able to deny her faith.  The testimonies I heard that day, along with the celebration of Christianity began a week of community in Christ.

On Tuesday, I went to my first Taize service.  Though I have been going to the Christ Cathedral regularly I had never been up to the Cathedral in the Sky because one can only go up through special invitation.  On Tuesday, a group of young adults were inviting people to come and worship.  The service began at seven-thirty at night, and we were fourteen floors above ground in a room surrounded by glass walls giving us such an amazing view of the lighted city.  The setting was perfect for the musical prayer night.  With only the help of candle light to illuminate our prayers, I felt so connected not just to the people in that room, but the whole City of Orange.  There, I thought how important it is to be part of the Church and to be able to gather together to pray and worship our God- to thank him and to beg for His assistance.  I felt so fortunate to be able to partake in this activity that fed my spirit that fed my faith.

On Friday, I went to the first Stations of the Cross Service then went to a different parish for a night of immersion into God’s Word accompanied by music.  The parish was packed and again I though how fortunate I am to have these opportunities to join community.  To see and hear people I respect motivate us to continue or journey of Lent and to leave behind those things that weigh us down.  I thought to myself, I am actually in a pretty peaceful place in my life right now- but what I want to take on my journey this Lent is community.  I know that my work schedule makes it almost impossible to participate in these faith building activities, but I am no island I need nights with others worshiping God and knowing that I am not alone in my faith journey.  Though I probably won’t have the time or energy to do as many things as I did before, this week I realized how much I missed community and am hoping that in the coming weeks of Lent I will work on finding how to incorporate these moments of communion outside Sunday Mass.