Never Give Up

Last night my dog kept me up with a bout of diarrhea.  In the end, I slept on the living room sofa so that he would have access to the yard as needed.  In all honesty, sometimes I wonder what I was thinking when I decided to get a puppy.  Dollar was such an easy dog, so well mannered and peaceful.  Francis is the opposite.  Recently, I started taking him to the dog park and was going into the small dog side, but people began having problems with Francis’ energy.  He loves to rough play (which is normal dog behavior) and owners in the small side felt my dog was too rough.  One owner even told me to take my dog to socialization classes before bringing him to the dog park.  In the back of my mind I was thinking- the park is supposed to be a place for dogs to learn how to play with one another.  My little, black mop is adorable – but quite a handful. So, I decided to take my chances and enter the big dog side after reviewing that small and big dogs are not supposed to be predatory towards one-another.  My risk proved to be the best decision because on the far-right corner I met a group of retired folks with dogs who welcomed by ball of energy.  He’s been baptized Fuzzball by the leader of the group, a lady with silver hair and the most wonderful disposition.  

Owning a dog who’s a little different has given me a humility check, because I previously thought I was the dog whisperer because I had Dollar with the winning temperament.  He never gave me any problems nor were we ever asked to leave the dog park- he was a model dog.  Francis on the other hand has required more attention and even with outside training he still requires a lot of patience.  Though dog ownership doesn’t compare to parenting I can see how difficult parents have it with children with special needs.  They can be judged harshly even if they are doing everything in their power to help their kids succeed.  This week I had a mother (who is an elementary school teacher) sit through her daughter’s class to make sure her daughter showed up to school and worked during the period that she was there.  She’s a school teacher (I thought) and has such a challenging teen daughter who is flunking out of high school.  Most of the kids I work with have different stories, but their common ground is that they are not succeeding in school.  Some have parents that are done- they have given up on their children and I seriously get it because sometimes I want to be done with Francis.  I feel like all my attempts to make him a well-behaved dog go down the drain when I find another item he destroyed or when he bites me because he’s too excited or when someone at the dog park tells me to remove Francis from the playground.

Nevertheless, when I find a group of people where my Fuzzball is accepted it gives me hope that we just have to get through his puppy stage.  When I come home after a stressful day and Francis runs to me with caresses galore or when we go on a walk and I see his giddiness for the great, new world- I fall all over in love with him.  In a similar way I see the way my school gives kids who have been a handful in previous setting, bloom so beautifully and I relearn that no one should ever be given up on.  Not even an immature pup that requires a little time to become a great dog.

Mi Abuela

My only surviving grandparent is gravely ill…  When I was a child just moved to the United States, I would hear classmates talk about their grandparents taking them to the movies or other places of entertainment.  I would hear little girls rave about the new dress their grandma got them, some would even get taken out of school early to spend a day of spoiled merriment. In my little girl’s heart, I wondered why I had been so unlucky.  Why was I stuck with grandparents from the old country who didn’t understand a thing about spoiling their grandkids?  Though when my abuelos visited they would make themselves available to tell me stories of the past, I resented that they couldn’t be more hip- just more American.

Thankfully with age comes maturity. My grandma is a very wise woman who has lived quite a full life.  A life filled with her share of woes, but also with much happiness.  This year I visited her in Michoacán and every day I would spend hours sitting with her in her garden of flowers.  I got to hear stories of my past, stories that dated even before I was conceived and I got such a great sense of where I come from. She’s an extremely Catholic woman, who daily prays the rosary.  When I was in Mexico, I was able to pray it with her.  When she visited California, I would always make sure she got to Sunday Mass.  I remember, one Sunday I took her to Mass with me and right after I had to stay for my RCIA class, so I decided that I would leave mass quickly to drive grandma home and make it to my meeting on time.  As I was trying to rush, thinking I am going to be late, grandma stays put in the pew and says, “it’s never ok to leave Mass before the final blessing.” She has her priorities straight!

The more that I have gotten to know her, the more I realize that God gave me the best grandma.  Every week my dad calls Mexico and she always makes sure to say, “I am praying for Penny for _______.”  She might not give me material gifts, but she’s filled my life with constant prayer intentions presented to our Lord.  Though her body is failing, her mind has always been sharp.  I knew when I visited her earlier this year, that I was most likely seeing her for my last time, nevertheless I didn’t think her end would come so quickly.  My parents are with her now and though we hope that God will allow us more time with her, we are also conforming to His will.  She’s a strong woman who has truly added life to her years, a great example to follow and still the glue that keeps all of us together.  May it be done according to His will.           

On Learning

Learning fascinates me.  When I was in college, I had a classmate that was in his nineties who was taking the history course simply for fun and I thought that’s going to be me when I grow up.  Lately, my life has been taken over by learning, by opening areas of my brain that sat undeveloped during the past few years.  I find myself studying works of literature, refreshing myself on literary analysis tools and my least favorite grammatical rules.  Yet, as unpleasant as relearning grammar- I am so inspired and excited to be back doing something that I am truly passionate about.  A student of mine, with an autistic obsession with Star Wars was telling me how he loves to learn all about the films.  He’s disappointed in how the newer films have not remained true to the original movies.  We were having this great discussion that went into how he has a trait that few people have and that is that he loves to learn beyond the surface details.  He belongs to an online community of Star Wars fans who blog about all the weaknesses in the newer films, so I suggested he do his argumentative essay on this particular subject.  Few people make the time to learn beyond the surface and when I find a kindred spirit, I thank God for placing such a motivational soul in my journey.

This past week, as I worked with students’ I also had to attend a meeting with all the English teachers in our charter in hopes of creating a learning community where we can collaborate and just help each other out.  I also began my Induction Program at Antioch University.  This is my least favorite since I have to drive from my work across the world to get to class.  When I left teaching due to my disability – I was unable to finish the induction process and my credential since expired; making it mandatory for me to do extraordinary steps for renewal.  So, once a month I will have to make the voyage to Culver City until I complete the two-year program to take my credential from preliminary to permanent.  I feel like it’s just a way for agencies to make money because I am really not learning anything that I haven’t picked up as an educator.  I’m finding that a lot of what education is becoming paperwork.  Just looking good on paper and this program is helping me get all the paperwork that the CTC requires for credential renewal.

These past few weeks have been difficult in the amount of activity that now occupies my life, but slowly I am establishing a routine.  I am still amazed at how I haven’t had a breakdown yet and how my brain is actually behaving.  Prayer has been an integral part of this new journey and while I do complain about the long drive to and from work, in a way it’s a blessing because my car is usually the place where I unwind.  My car is usually the place where I pray and where I play podcasts that help my mind focus on God and not on the list of things to do.  Though my mind is great at panicking by looking too far into the future, through daily prayer I am reminded to live one day at a time.  It’s also nice working so close to the San Juan Capistrano Basilica because if I am truly stressed, I just go in for a little face to face with Jesus.  Continue keeping me in your prayers as I do you in mine.    

Halloween: Guardian Angels

I do love Halloween because as Shakespeare so rightly stated, “All the world’s a stage and all men and women are merely players.”  October thirty-first is the one day a year where we can use our imaginations without judgement.  This year, I intended to play tribute to guardian angels.  I bought my dog his wings a few months ago without realizing how much he would grow and I found my self trying to stuff his little body like a sausage into his costume.  Then I had the complication of dealing with a puppy who challenged the costume and taking a picture was like pulling teeth!  I also didn’t have my costume complete, I only had the wings, so I owe you pictures for this year’s costume tribute to guardian angels.

Growing up, I had an image above my bed of a guardian angel walking behind two small children that always made me feel safe.  Every night before going to sleep I would jump into the action of the painting so much so that I had such a concrete image of the bridge and natural surroundings.  In my mind, the bridge made a mousy squeak and all around me was an Eden with the most magnificent greens and music of nature.  The beautiful Guardian Angel with her flowy gown and locks of sunshine made everything safe, though she stood tall behind me, she was really leading the way into the unknown. Even though I have always been apprehensive about new territory in the painting with such a holy angel I sought adventure.

When I returned to the Catholic church, I learned that I had a designated guardian angel, one given only to me by God.  Though, I have the Holy Spirit that accompanies me until the end of time- having a guardian angel is such a consolation.  When I am struggling- usually experiencing inner conflict I call to my angel and ask her to be with me and like in the image that I grew up admiring to walk tall behind me leading the way.  It’s such a comfort and strength knowing that I am never alone, that God in his generosity gave me a celestial being to accompany me every step of my journey to heaven.  In the direst of situations, I pray one of the first prayers I learned as a child (which luckily never left me) and instantly I get the sense that I am not alone in my struggle.  I pray it in Spanish, which is the language I learned it in, and maybe the fact that it’s in the language of my mother I immediately feel it’s comforting effects.

God truly is a magnificent lover, who lavishes us (the object of his affection) with so many gifts that will make clear our path towards heaven. Even sending each of us our own very special guardian angel!