On Kindness

I have been thinking a lot about kindness and the effects there of: a listening ear, non-judgement in struggles, a warm embrace, volunteering to help, offering to pray…  Lately, I have witnessed a lot of kindness from friends as well as from strangers and it is these gifts that have made such a difference in my life.  These small signs of love have allowed me to see God in the midst of my struggles and to come out of period of dryness into a place where I feel so overwhelming His presence.  On Saturday, I went to my Franciscan annual pool party, there a friend listened to me as I poured my heart – she told me about similar struggles she had faced with loved ones and offered to pray for me and my intentions.  Somehow, she sensed that I needed a listening ear and she asked me to come and soak my feet in the pool with her.  There I had one of those healing conversations – where her past experience really validated and encouraged me.

At Monday night bible study, I was sharing with my classmates about the liberation I felt recently when I was prayed over and without asking one of my classmates said, “let’s all pray a Hail Mary for Penny” and the whole class was like “let’s do it.”  I was sharing my experience as my answer to one of the discussion questions, so when the whole class prayed for my personal intentions I was moved beyond words because again I saw God so utterly present in my life.  These people (who I have been studying with once a week for almost a year now) through their kind action revealed that each of us have the power to be the hands of God and do good in serving our brother.  That a small gesture can really fill the hearts of those who are facing challenges.

Recently, I was in a vulnerable position and the when the doctor who came in to assist us, said, “this is a place of non-judgement.”  This safe place created by her statement and the actions that followed were what I needed at that moment.  In order to confess weaknesses and work towards healing we all need a place of non-judgement, where our past actions are not bigger than the recovery that awaits.  In Jesus, we see this non-judgement when it comes to working with people in need.  The Pharisees question why he is spending time with sinners and Jesus so eloquently replies, “It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick.  I have not come to call the righteous, but the sinners to repentance.”  Jesus shows us that no matter our circumstances we all deserve kindness, more so those who are hurting.

Lately, I have been more aware of these moments where kindness has made such a difference in my life.  It has liberated, comforted and encouraged me so…  In the midst of it all these small gestures I have seen God ever so present in my life (smile).

What I Am Reading Now

I love books and lately I have found myself with a little more time to read and though the majority of my time I have devoted to reading dog training manuals – I have also been able to read other material.  Here’s my reading list.

If you find yourself like me trying to domesticate a little wolf, I would highly recommend Dog Training for Dummies.  Though the dummies series has breed appropriate volumes, I feel like the best one is the one that started their dog training series and thus encompasses various training methods.  I first bought the Shih Tzu version and I had to order the one that helped me train Dollar, because I felt like the Shi Tzu volume focused more on breed specifics than actual training.  Dollar was a great dog, perfectly trained by me with the help of Dog Training for Dummies; thus, I am now using it to train my reckless, little pup, Francis.

I have started my first lectio divina bible study and have been studying “The Gospel of Mark.” As I find myself drawn to the study guide, connecting each day with themes found in this specific gospel – I decided to read the entire gospel to get a better understanding of my current bible study.  It’s wonderful reading scripture and having a guide to point out certain things that are historically significant, or stylistic to the author and also having the freedom to just jump into the biblical stories and get a better understanding of the characters, the times, and of course Jesus more profoundly.  

When I am struggling the biggest hurdle can be my thoughts, which being Bipolar don’t need much assistance jumping into the abyss of helplessness.  It is during these moments when I feel like I am having such a challenge controlling my mind, that instead of giving into the negative chatter I pick up a book and redirect my focus to "holy thoughts."  For Christmas I was given two volumes of Words of Wisdom by Father Warren J. Rouse.  He is one the priests that lives in Sierra Retreat House and when I went on my Franciscan retreat, he was advertising the third volume.  I have found his reflections so helpful in helping me fight gloomy thoughts and to bring my mind back to God.  He really has great insight into the peaceful, comforting heart of God.

Books have always been my great friends and they continue to help me in my journey (smile).

Back to Peace

I went to Mass on Thursday, for the Assumption of Mary, and it was the first service in a long time that I found myself completely immersed in worship.  I can’t stress enough how being prayed over liberated whatever sad, anxious spirit had stuck to me and I finally found consolation.  It was a special feast day that incorporated incense into the Mass and I remember being so drawn by the smells, it just connected my senses and drew me into the service in a way that I had long been lacking.  On Sunday, the readings again got me so engaged and spoke to me filling me with hope and perseverance.  I thanked God, for His words, for the Eucharist and for breaking that veil that had me feeling so disconnected during worship. 

Things haven’t changed here, I am still facing the same struggles, but now with a peaceful spirit.  For a skeptic, I still am in awe of how being prayed over made all the difference.  Like I told my Franciscan small group, I believe in the power of prayer when I am interceding for someone else, but when I am crying to the Lord for myself, I can be very doubtful.  Thus, to be freed from the oppressive Spirit after being prayed over has began to change my thought pattern about prayer.  Though, I wish that I had that complete trust in the Lord as seen in our Holy Mother- I know that little by little my doubt is being transformed. 

I have thought long and hard about these past post that perhaps have been a little gloomy in content, but I think it’s good to show that it’s ok to experience unpleasant feelings, to feel almost at the point of defeat- even as Christians because we are human and experience the same range of emotions; however, before we break God always comes through.  It is in our weakness that the glory of God is manifested (the Bible tells me so); thus, when I am struggling it’s ok to share that struggle because our testimony is powerful.  I am reminded of the “Book of Job” (perhaps my favorite book in the Bible), he goes through great tribulation feeling a range of unpleasant emotions, but he never quivers away from the Lord. Job stands firm in his faith, even though he suffers immensely – it is in seeing his major suffering and loss that the glory of God shines ever so brightly.  Though Job losses everything, God rewards Job’s fidelity. 

Sometimes we go through a purging season, where we feel like we are losing everything that gave us comfort and peace but, God has a plan.  We need to be empty to be filled up again.  We need challenges to grow in sanctity and in our trust in the Lord.  It’s hard to let go - to walk in uncertainty, but if I rely in the promises of God- that walk can be one of peace, one that looks forward to the celestial gifts waiting to be opened.

Power of Community Prayer

“Where two or more gather in my name there I am with them…”  God made us for community, to share our joys and to help carry our woes to the cross.  On Sunday, I was a little under the weather, there are many troubles ailing my family – big problems that I can’t do anything about.  During my formation small group one of the discussion questions on prayer brought tears to my eyes and the leader of the group noticed that I was not my usually cheerful self.  So, she stopped the discussion and asked everyone to lay hands on me and my small group all prayed over me.  During the prayer I heard God say, “let go.”  Since I have been feeling quite at peace.

Sometimes when our loved ones are struggling, we want to help them and we take on their burden and feel utterly overwhelmed because we weren’t designed to be the ones carrying another’s burden.  That is God’s job.  Our job is to be there, to help in anyway we can and if the situation is beyond our scope of help then we pray so that God will act.  Though carrying the burden of my brother might feel like solidarity- the reality is that I am taking the place of God.  Jesus said, “come to me, all who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble.” He tells us that when we are having a problem, we need to seek God and to let go of our trouble because he doesn’t want us to carry that load.  When we turn to Him and entrust him with the situation causing us woe, we are free to do His will.  To love and serve our neighbor always repeating, “Jesus, I trust in you.”

I love a story of a father watching his little girl get pinched with a needle trying to pull thread through it. He was tempted to go and thread the needle for her, but he knew that if he allowed the temporary pain his little girl would learn to do it and her self-esteem would grow knowing she had finally done it.  It’s hard to watch our love ones suffer and to think of the good that can come from it, many times I want to act - to help… But I am learning to discern what matters I can help and which I need to entrust the Lord with.  I think in many cases I need to learn to let go and not be an enabler through my desire to help, but rather give it to God.

I leaned this prayer on Sunday, a day that time in community filled me with the peace I was lacking:

“Jesus, right now I place my life in your hands.  In sickness, in financial difficulty, and in the midst of wounded relationships, I offer myself to you. Come and lift me up from stormy waters, and place my feet on the rock of faith in you.”

Saint Clare & Root Bear Floats

Yesterday, was the Feast of Saint Clare and in my Franciscan meeting we had Root Bear Floats to celebrate.  I forget sometimes the importance of studying the life of the saints, of getting to know them as close friends.  Though I love Saint Francis, I don’t ever resort to calling on his beloved best friend, Clare.  As you may know Saint Francis established three communities one for men, one for women and a Secular Order for people who want to live his spirituality out in the world.  Francis never had plans to do this, but slowly the need for each community came to life as people fell a deep connection to his way of life.  Beautiful Clare came from a family of nobility, her family was busy making a match for her to marry, but she refused all suitors because she felt a great desire to give herself to God.  After years of secretly meeting with Francis she realized that she wanted to follow the same path.

Her family didn’t support her desire for religious life, so on Palm Sunday she left her home traveling to a little church where Saint Francis cut her hair and she received the poor habit of the friars.  Though her family tried to persuade her to return home, she persisted and they soon realized that she wasn’t coming home.  She dedicated her life to the poor and to Christ.  Her life in the convent was filled with much physical suffering due to chronic illness that brought much pain.  In addition, she struggled most of her life trying to receive approval for her Rule and only two days before she died was it granted.  She was an exceptionally bright woman, who showed such a profound spiritual understanding that Popes, Cardinals and bishops all came for her counsel. 

In learning more about her life, in community with my Franciscan brothers and sisters I realized how much I need to become better friends with Saint Clare.  I admire her spirit of persistence.  Many times I feel like giving up and the only surrender that needs to happen is my surrender to God’s will.  If I already prayed and made the decision to entrust God with my situation, then I need to do my best to move forward with my day; to fight the temptation to dwell until I become anxious and desperate and focus instead on loving and serving others.  Clare persisted in doing good even though at times it seemed like she might not get approval for her Rule, she didn’t allow herself to despair, but trusted in God’s will.  Her persistence is what I most feel drawn to today, because it’s a trait that I need to emulate.  It’s too easy to give up, but with friends like Saint Clare, God shows that all is possible for those who trust in the Lord.            

We Are All A Little Weird

We are all a little weird and I am no exclusion. 

I give the last rites to animals that have been killed in the streets- I guess the correct terminology is roadkill.  When I pass through animal remains, while driving, I bless them with the sign of the cross and say a little prayer and imagine that God made their end the least painful.  I am an animal lover to the core and am quite sensitive to seeing mangled bodies of God’s creation; thus, in a quick ceremony, I imagine that these little animal souls are at rest perhaps running free in heaven’s gardens.

The weirdest thing that I have found at a thrift store is an urn of someone’s pet.  I noticed that the little box looked similar to Dollar’s, in a clear bag with the dog’s paw print and a condolence card from the place of cremation.  I took it my friend’s the cashiers and asked them if I could have it to give it a proper burial.  They looked at me probably the way you are while reading this (smile) and agreed that perhaps the little guy deserved a resting place that wasn’t their garbage bin.  Now Dollar has a companion resting beside him.

I am the oops child that came seven years after my parents thought they were done having children; thus, I was much younger than my siblings and growing up in a farm meant that animals were my closest companions.  I daily socialized with chicks, rabbits, goats, dogs- you name it and I considered them my animal best friends.  From the moment I was born my days were filled with farm life and animals lots of animals.  In Mexico, animals died normal deaths and when I moved to the city, I saw that some had difficulty coexisting with the city environment and met their ends in terrible ways- usually hit by cars.  Though there are qualified people that pick up the carcasses from the road, a little prayer allows me to thank God for their existence and to wish them a happy death.

If you still want to be my friend after learning this… (smile)  

A Retelling: Christ Cathedral

Yesterday, I finally made it to our newly renovated, dedicated cathedral.  When I was first trying to pick out a church to attend, I thought I had finally found my home at the then Crystal Cathedral, I was attending a Bible study group and helping in a prayer ministry and the campus was so entirely beautiful that I thought becoming a member was inevitable.  For a week there was a lot of hype about a famous pastor coming from Argentina to take over the Spanish services.  I attended his first service and that’s when God told me that I had to continue looking for a home church.  This famous pastor on his first service spoke ills about the Catholic Church and how his mission was to evangelize and bring all misguided Catholics to the truth.  Though at the time I didn’t have any zeal for the Universal Church, I knew that I would not follow a leader who spoke so publicly against a group of people.  I can accept ignorance from members of the church because they are learning, but from a leader who is in charge of guiding his flock I couldn’t.  So, after the first Spanish service, I left behind the most beautiful Church that up until then I had seen.

A little after I returned to the Catholic Church, I was informed that the Crystal Cathedral had been transferred to the Catholic Church to be its new diocesan grounds.  The first time I heard the news, I couldn’t help, but smile- to think that God does indeed have a sense of humor- because I walked away from the one place that I felt I could grow roots, to return to the Catholic Church and now He was converting us both to the one true faith.  I love the cathedral grounds.  I have been going regularly for a couple years taking classes for my Master Catechesis Certificate.  Usually I would go early to class so that I could spend time in the prayerful nooks and the various gardens.  While only recently has the cathedral been completed for proper Catholic worship, I have enjoyed our diocesan grounds with such gratitude.

Yesterday, mom and I went to Mass to finally see the inside of the newly renovated Cathedral.  The inside is beautiful in a minimalist sort of way.  Other than the floating crucifix, the tapestry of the transfiguration and the life size Our Lady of Guadalupe mosaic the cathedral is pretty plain.  It still homes one of the largest organs and has beautiful bronze Stations of the Cross.  I was expecting more embellishment, more religious art – even though it wasn’t as decorated as I thought it would be, it’s still such a beautiful place that will bring so many people to God.  Yesterday, without planning I went to Mass when the bishop was celebrating the Eucharist and I felt such a special welcome.  They are still working the kinks – like distributing communion on a timely manner.  Overall, it’s such a great feeling to see how far we both have come.  She now a beautiful Catholic place of worship (that am sure will attract and win many souls just through its godly beauty) and I revert able to be there worshiping God.  God is full of wonderful surprises, of tangible moments that feed the soul. I would have never imagined that I would find myself worshiping in a place that began my reversion (smile).    

No Mountain High Enough

I had a couple interviews this morning, so forgive my tardiness…  I have never been very good at selling myself, so I feel like I am not the greatest interviewee.  I get a little self-conscious trying to give my potential employer reasons why I am a good hire, but I think it’s equally uncomfortable for the person asking the questions.  Thus, I usually try to tell myself before I go in that we are both just trying to get a feel for one-another- they have a job to offer and I a person qualified to do so.  Therefore, neither person is better than the other, we all have the same value and that reduces my feelings of intimidation. The job hunt is a path of highs and lows – sometimes a job that seems perfect for you, one that you have pictured yourself doing doesn’t get offered, or turns out to be a bad fit or for whatever reason you just don’t get- it’s hard to not take it personal.  A denial no matter the reason can feel like a failure, like a kick in the stomach that leaves you winded and feeling so utterly vulnerable.  A door closing does feel like a rejection and no matter how positive one is - it’s hard to reach the mindset that one closed, but another will open.   

This week I realized that two of the jobs that I had my hopes on – most definitely are not going to work.  I had a day where I did allow myself to feel the insecurity, but I didn’t allow myself to remain there.  All these months I have NOT been unemployed, I have actually been self-employed working on my eBay Store full-time.  Thus, financially I am not at all suffering.  I do get a little crazy working from home, but I have been able to spend so much time with my parents.  Everyday, we have lunch together and share in such great bonding time.  I have been able to train Francis, who requires a lot of attention as a puppy.  I have been able to grow in my faith – to have times of prayer, to attend Mass more frequently.  It’s easy to focus on the negative, somehow or minds usually go there quite easily; but nothing is ever bad or good there’s always a little of both and what we choose to focus on really is how we live life.

Recently, I discovered how prayer works and that has made my relationship with God so much more meaningful.  Since, I discovered prayer As a little girl I always thought that my prayers changed God into giving me my petitions and I got so frustrated when years went by and nothing changed.  I think I shared that part of the reason I left the church was because I prayed for years for my alcoholic father to seek recovery and nothing ever happened.  Thus, I felt that God didn’t hear me, that for whatever reason He just didn’t care about giving me a dad without addictions.  All this time I have felt like my petitions didn’t have much value because in the end God would do whatever God wanted to do.  Now, I know that it’s not about getting what I want, but of asking God to change me into a closer image of Jesus.  My conversion matters more, my sanctification is of greater importance.  Which leaves me singing, “ain’t no mountain high enough, ain’t no valley low enough to keep me from getting to you…” (smile)