Four Stages of Love Part I

I have read many books on Christian courtship, which all have been helpful to some degree, but the way that Richard Rohr describes falling in love with God really is a model that we can follow in our relationships with others.  Rohr describes four stages of falling in love with God that every believer goes through and while I was reading his descriptions I realized that the steps can also be applied to human love.  There’s a process that we all go through in falling in love with another that begins with excitement, wonder and dream that gets challenged as our true selves are revealed and concludes with choosing to love one another honestly with true acceptance –weaknesses and all, choosing to see one another through God’s merciful, loving eyes and to become family while aiming to reach the kingdom of heaven together.  

Stage One:  Is the beginning of love; that usually involves powerful feelings of fervor and euphoria that generally don’t last long.  It’s a time of wonder and a time when we become excited about what the dream does for us, what the other brings out in us and also what that person gives us.  It slowly begins with trust and “reveals a capacity to wonder, and awe and desire. It is a dependency on another, a recognition of life within another, and therefore the beginning of love.”  Falling in love with God was a slow progression.  I remember after my first encounter with Him at a retreat I felt this strong attraction and He occupied all my thoughts, but I was also very distrustful and cautious.  In protestant churches becoming friends with God is a philosophy that is engrained in its followers; thus, I began a friendship with God.  Slowly I opened my heart and life to Him and with an unhurried gentleman approach He slowly wooed me.  Similarly, falling in love with another follows this period of dreaming, of hope and of desire to be known and know the beloved.  Yet, many “folk are not capable of stage one because they refuse to release their hearts to any individual who is not formed or perfect and worthy of their self-donation… If we are waiting around for someone to appear in which we can invest ourselves from a position of total, objective detachment, then we want a job perhaps, not a relationship.” Love loves the imperfect and hopes and believes the best for the other. Developing a healthy friendship first enables us to have the courage to open our heart to anothers and to slowly kill the fears that rise in the process of mutual self-discovery.  

Stage Two: Is a troublesome stage where we begin to see the imperfections of the other person and slowly we lose our nerve and the temptation to end the relationship and leave is quite strong.  It’s a stage of discouragement where many rational problems will appear and our emotions will experience a “dark night of the soul.  We begin to experience our inadequacy and our need and know deeply and darkly that we are imperfect, that we are sinners.  And then we have to be converted in order to live.”  We shouldn’t deny or believe our emotions, but allow ourselves to feel those insecurities with the hope that together with God we can get through it.  After the initial butterflies wore out in my encounter with God, I realized that I had to change a lot because hanging out with a perfect God helped me see my imperfections rather clearly.  I realized that I needed to transform my thoughts, ways and actions – and boy was that scary.  I almost left God and my Christian faith during this revelation, but soon I realized that God cheered me on.  He more than anyone (even me) wanted me to become a better, happier person.  In the same way, as we begin to see the weaknesses of our beloved and in ourselves during this period of deeper revelation it’s important to encourage one another and to help each other see the light not just the darkness.  This period of desert is not a stage that one must encounter or travel alone together with our friend and God we can make the journey that all the saints must make for, “the desert is God’s chosen journey to make saints out of all people… During this period we need people who understand darkness, and by their presence can hold us through to the light.”

Stage Three:  Amazing grace breaks us into stage three.  Here true love begins.  We know that we are imperfect and that our beloved is also flawed, but we are free to love anyway.  This freedom and choice to love opens us to love the way God first loved us.  We begin to see each other through the eyes of God- in the same way He looks at us.  Our love now makes us dependent on the other and we crave for shared life because that’s what God wants for us - to live in community, “shared life is possible because God is shared life. Here honest communication begins.  True listening and healthy obedience are no threat.” When I got to stage three in my relationship with God I knew that I had found the well to life everlasting and I knew that no matter the struggles God and I were in it until the end.  In the same way, when you come to this point in a relationship with another you are ready to become a family.  The relationship is “no longer used simply to work out our own personal goals and agendas, but it’s now enjoyed in itself.  The two now have the possibility of becoming family… This stage is a delightful and holy place to live.  It is a true foretaste of the coming kingdom and communion of saints.”       

Stage Four:  This is the goal we strive to reach and live together “a place of perfect listening, perfect responsiveness and perfect love.”  (I will talk about this stage more in depth tomorrow).

To be continued… Four Stages of Love Part II

The Word Becomes Flesh in Our Relationships

Yesterday, I read a really great piece on how the Word-becomes flesh in our relationships with others.  Like God is a loving relationship between three persons (Father, Son and Holy Spirit) when we join relationships we form community and bring to life a God that is visible to society and to one another, our God becomes flesh.  Baptism initiates us into the family of God and we spend our entire lifetime trying to live up to that call in community, “the reality is Trinity, God is shared life, life in relationship.  Church is the communion of saints, family is both the beginning and the end.”  God asks us to live together in one faith because “God’s basic building block for self-communication is not the “saved” individual… but precisely the journey and bonding process God initiates in marriages, families, tribes, nations, peoples and churches who are seeking to involved themselves in God.” The body of Christ, the spiritual family is God’s strategy of attraction, “until and unless Christ is someone happening between people, the gospel remains largely an abstraction.  Until he is passed on personally through faithfulness and forgiveness, through bonds of union, I doubt whether he is passed on at all… a Trinitarian God is a God relationship. He both knows and is known.  He loves and is loved.  He believes and is believed.  We come to know through the same dialogue…  We come into this world through a relationship called marriage and family.  We come into the kingdom through a set of relationships called the church or spiritual family.”  WOW! 

One of the fears introverts have is being pushy and yesterday as I wrote about initiating relationships I thought that maybe I sounded too aggressive because one day I speak about friendship and the next of relationships.  When I got home I talked to God about all these thoughts that were robbing my peace because my intention is never to put pressure on others.  After talking to Him for some time, I picked up a book I have been reading and the chapter that I read dealt very fittingly with how God made us to be in relationships.  We shouldn’t feel shame for desiring marriage and a family.  God created us and asks us to live in community because “the best teachers of Christ are without doubt fathers, mothers, sons and daughters, brothers and sisters.”  Being part of families and communities is God’s will for us because it is in relationships that God radiates His love.  When communities are formed through faith, love and trust in God, God invites us to participate in what is happening and as a result we want to grow in trusting one another as together we trust in God. However, so that we won’t feel overwhelmed in our relationships there’s a pattern of intimacy that we must follow that reflects the pattern in which we fall in love and encounter God.

When I had my first encounter with God, I fell head-over-heels in love.  I immediately wanted to give my life to Christ by becoming a religious, but as the initial fervor and euphoria reached stability I realized that I was not meant for that vocation.  Then came a period of trial where I began to see the challenges of leading a Catholic life and I began to feel unsure and question whether God was really worth all the trouble.  Followed by a period of dryness, where I wasn’t getting spiritual consolation for living a Christian life.  Then came a moment of grace where I knew that God was more than a feeling, where the truth remained even if my emotions betrayed me.  This period is where real love begins, where we know and accept that our faith is beautiful, but also difficult.  Honest communication begins here and true listening.  Now God and I are becoming family. The last stage is perfect listening, perfect responsiveness and perfect love – which is the stuff saints are made of.  Similarly, our relationships with others follow this path, which I will try to describe better on Monday.  The great thing is that we have begun a friendship and from here we can build so much until we become (in the words of my nephew) best friends forever.    

Living in the Now

Father did a breathing exercise where he had us close our eyes and count how many breaths we took in one minute.  Counting our breaths required great concentration and focus.  This simple meditation served to illustrate how we need to train our minds to learn to live in the present.  Our mind is usually concerned with the past or worried about the future, but rarely does it remain enjoying the present moment.  This is ever so evident when starting relationships with the opposite sex.  Instead of enjoying the newness of every new experience our mind at times tends to do two things: project a past failure onto the new friendship or worry about how we will fit in the life of our beloved.

Props to my photographer!

When I am insecure I think about past failed attempts and project these past failures into my new chance at love.  It’s hard to trust again after past endeavors leave one hurt, that’s why it’s important to have sometime inbetween relationships to allow God to heal us.  Mistakes are crucial to our learning; thus, we should welcome them as teachable moments and not get stuck thinking that something is wrong with us.  We must also remember that each person we date is a whole different experience because the new person we like is not the person in the past who hurt us.  A new person means a new outcome a new possibility. Not all women or men are the same and just because I wasn’t compatible with my past attempt doesn’t mean that I am doomed in my next try.  I am a different girl, with different tastes and a different personality and if it’s God’s will things will continue to mature and grow until He gives you to me (smile).  Yet, forgiveness is powerful and before we move on we have to forgive ourselves and those who hurt us so that we leave that baggage behind and not bring it with us into the new possibility.  We all have been hurt, but this hurt will make us better lovers because we will be able to empathize and better understand others. Thus, look at the new possibility as a fresh start.    

Such a great picture of Father!

Then comes worry about the future.  How will I fit into the life of my beloved? Will he be too busy for me? Will his friends and family like me?  Will he understand my personal needs and weaknesses? Will he find my awkwardness and inexperience charming?  Will the distance be too challenging?  Will we be able to hold a conversation? Will we be compatible? ... The list of worries about the future is infinite.  So many things can cause anxiety and uncertainty about new relationships, it’s very normal.  Yet, as trust is built these fears will slowly disappear.  As you get to know each other and as the love grows all these things will fall into place (smile).  With clear communication everything that now seems like obstacles will be set straight.  Father told a joke during Mass and only a few people got it, so he laughed and said, "in order for you to understand my jokes I need to give you catechesis first."  This stood out because I think that in relationships we need to have a positive spirit that we are both going to learn a great deal from each other and we must have the humility and the ability to laugh at our shortcomings, hopeful that together we can grow and achieve great things.  Worry about the past or future is a waste of time because we can’t control or predict the future and the past is done and gone.  Thus, let’s enjoy the present moment and our creativity in communicating and getting started because one day these moments of initiation might make for a great story! (SMILE)

Jesus, We Trust in You

Yesterday, I went to see “Faustina” the play based on Saint Faustina and while I was expecting to be entertained the production left me in deep contemplation bringing to light many truths that perhaps at the moment I needed.  Art can really connect us to God in such a personal, intimate way.  The play did a great job showing the battle for our soul that takes place between good and evil.  There was this part where Saint Faustina experienced great spiritual dryness and the enemy kept trying to woo her to him, with lies and attempts to place doubt in her heart.  God allowed all to happen to personally and intimately teach Saint Faustina the phrase that is stamped on the painting of the Divine Mercy, “Jesus, I trust in you.”  Throughout her life these moments of uncertainty walking through spiritual desert made her cling to God and to trust Him more and more.  And God, rewarded her fidelity.  The play beautifully showed how slowly Faustina and Jesus built a relationship where no matter the misunderstandings, tribulations and opposition she trusted blindly in Him.  And the more she trusted the more intimate and personal their relationship became.  There came a point where they became such chums that she would joke with Him and all that she asked He granted…  Trust is super important in our relationship with God, but also in our human relationships. 

I have the ability to make girlfriends quite easily, but when it comes to building relationships with men I am very distrustful at first.  Some experiences in my past, made me very suspicious of men and this distrust has played a huge part in my remaining single.  Growing up, I was also quite shy and introverted and all these factors kept me from letting people in, especially men.  Yet, as my relationship with God has grown, He’s slowly healed me and helped me realize that not all men are bad.  God has also placed this great desire in me for marriage and a family and the desire is so strong that I am ready to open up and give love a chance.  However, in order for love to grow, trust has to be built and trust takes time.  That’s why romantic relationships should always begin as friendships.  In friendship we learn to get to know each other really well - slowly, honestly and comfortably.  When dating you usually see the best self of the significant other in friendship we see all sides of the person.  With a friend one is always comfortable around the other person and this comfort enables the revealing of intimate information.  Also, friends make great teammates which make awesome support during problems and challenges.  And friends accept us just the way we are and forgive us when we mess up.   This foundation in friendship makes the progression flow naturally to the next stage of romantic love.

While ideally that’s how relationships should begin, distance and other factors can make developing a friendship a lot more difficult- BUT not impossible.  If God has placed you in a friendship with someone a distance away that means that God intends to help you, God would never place you in a situation and forget you there.  It all begins with trust and trust is built by getting to know your friend deeply and making a mutual commitment to the friendship.  Though I am a private person on Facebook I share who and what is important to me- my posts carry the intention of being known by my cute friend.  I am reliable I check in a few times throughout the day to build that trust.  I try to be open, honest and encouraging.  When things get difficult or there’s misunderstandings I see them as opportunities to grow in friendship.  Eventually little by little things will progress to phone conversations and meeting half way from one another since that’s what friends do.  Yet, one must exercise a lot of patience as trust is built and as both friends establish a comfortable pace for the friendship to grow.  It never hurts to pray along the way too (smile).

Thorn In My Flesh

I see you, being an introvert makes me very attentive to detail and it also means that I don’t open my heart to just anyone.  This week has been rather humbling- my weaknesses have totally been highlighted and this great feeling of vulnerability has been ever present.  I am bipolar and I take two medications to keep my brain balanced- it’s a life prescription.  All week I have been dealing with finding a new psychologist to prescribe my medications because the place I was going to before due to budget cuts closed its doors.  My insurance has been giving me tons of issues in regards to what they cover and my boss hasn’t been too happy to let me go to doctor appointments.  Then one of the medications that I take became really expensive, but luckily it has gone generic which means the price is now affordable.  Slowly things are beginning to work themselves out and next Friday I will be seeing a new doctor that I am hopeful will be my new psychologist.  I don’t do therapy any more I just need someone authorized to prescribe my medications and I think that I have finally found the right person, thanks be to God.

Anyway, while I have been struggling with these health issues, I have felt really vulnerable and downright insecure.  Though God teaches us that nothing we can do can make Him love us more sometimes I wonder if that too applies to people.  Will you accept me bipolar and all?  Though for a bipolar person I am rather balanced, I get scared that this part of me makes me unattractive and even unlovable.  It’s really humbling to have a weakness that one has no control over, yet I think of Saint Paul asking God to remove the thorn from his flesh and later understands that God allows it so that he won’t become conceited and exalt himself, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”  When I am weak God shines in me for it is Him who carries me, His strength and glory are magnified by my bipolarness (smile)!  This weakness immediately connects me to Him and makes me completely dependent on Him; this dependence encourages and inspires my faith (smile).

One of the things that I get scared about in regards to this blog is that my readers form an erroneous image of me.  I am not a perfect person, I sin and I have (great and many) weaknesses; but, I am a work in progress and some of my weaknesses will not be corrected this side of heaven and I am learning to make peace with that.  I also get attacked by the enemy he whispers all types of lies especially when I am vulnerable.  Sometimes the bad thoughts momentarily defeat me especially when I am vulnerable, but God always sends an angel to help me see the truth. I am worthy, I am loveable and no amount of bipolar is too big for my God!  Thanks for the support, I love seeing you around it makes me smile GRANDE.         

Kiss Your Bad Day Away

Have you ever seen the sun hiding behind the clouds, you know the sun is there, but the clouds keep it out of sight.  Bad days are like dark clouds that cover the light of God.  Though, through faith I know God is with me and even more present during difficult times, sometimes the negativity is so great that all I see are hovering clouds.  Yesterday, was one of those mornings where I wished that I had remained in bed because everything seemed to go wrong.  Daily struggles with my boss and health related things brought me really down.  It was one of those days where the theme was nope you are not getting a break today.  After work, I got home exhausted, rolled into bed and craved for the day to be over.  Yet, worries and dark thoughts continued to dominate my mind and I seriously just wanted to give up on the day and begin again the next morning.  However, through family, friends and art God helped me get out of the morning funk.  I arrived home to the usual celebration thrown daily at my arrival by my cute dog, then my nephew invited me to watch “The Chipmunks” (one of my favorite cartoons), then my friends insisted I join them to see a free screening of “Little Boy.”  Though I seriously didn’t have the energy to be out, I am glad my friends insisted on me accompanying them- they listened to me vent, hugged me and their company really put ointment on my morning hurts. 

I had seen “Little Boy” when it was released in theatres earlier this year, but watching it again helped me realize how dumb I had been for letting small challenges get to me.  There’s people out there with serious problems, mine will be ok with a few phone calls and a little persistence.  While watching the film, I realized how self-centered I had been all morning (focused completely on myself and my problems) so much so that I momentarily lost my hope and sight of God! Once my focus shifted I began to see my bountiful blessings. We even got to meet the cute eleven-year-old actor who plays Little Boy! Before the movie started he introduced the film with a short motivating speech that really touched my heart.  By the end of the night here’s what I learned about bad days:

Friends & loved ones make a difference- Bad days are better when faced with people we love.  My family was very supportive yesterday as I explained issues I was having with new doctors and medical insurance challenges. My friends too listened to my bad day and they didn’t offer solutions they just listened and sometimes that’s enough.

The Day Can Change- even if your morning or a few hours of your day has gone bad with a change of mental focus things can get brighter.  Instead of sulking by myself for the remainder of the day I tried to focus my mind away from my problems.  After all worry is a passive act, quite negative to the soul and God warns us against it.  Thus, I trusted God with the things that are out of my control and saved the things that I can do for a new battle today with refreshed energy.

God will shine through the clouds- As I drove to work this morning I looked at the sky and saw that even though the clouds covered the roundness of the sun they did not manage to keep its rays from shinning around and even through the clouds.  God is with us always until the end of time- and no amount of negativity can separate us from Him, but we have to desire His light above all.  In times of trial we need to refocus our eyes on Him who is greater than any problem (smile).

With God there are no bad days – only challenging moments- because God loves you and when you are loved as He loves us- it’s difficult to lose one’s smile and confidence. When I have nothing positive to say I rather not write- so forgive me for not writing yesterday and remember that, you are amazing just the way you are and "when you smile the whole world stops and stares for a while, because you're amazing just the way you are..."

Morning serenade for you :)              

This Girl is Pro-Life

A few weeks ago the Center for Medical Progress released a series of videos documenting the illegal selling of aborted baby parts by Planned Parenthood and its affiliates.  Watching the videos and the political and public response reminded me of a time during college where I too was pro-choice.  A woman’s right to choose sounded fair and progressive – yet, I never really explored the topic.  I just went along with friends and college mates wanting to sound forward-thinking.  There was even a time when I considered working for Planned Parenthood as a way to help the dozens of pregnant teens I encountered in my teaching experience.  I thought access to proper birth control would prevent teens from early, unwanted pregnancies…  My conversion challenged me to deeply explore my position on abortion and many other social justice issues. Simply put, for people to be pro-choice one must believe that life begins at birth.  That means that when you or your friend gets pregnant congratulations are unnecessary and a baby shower completely inappropriate because the baby is not a baby until it enters the world. Nevertheless, I have been to plenty of baby showers where the pro-choice parents celebrate the pregnancy and even have named what they would refer to as a fetus were it not their baby!  This leads me to believe that many people decide on when human life begins based on whether it’s a wanted pregnancy or in a desire to seem modern and tolerant.     

Our Christian faith teaches us that life begins at conception; thus, we can’t be pro-choice while trying to live authentic Christian lives.  For us, human life has dignity and value whether the pregnancy was planned or unwanted.  The conditions on how the baby was created does not have any relevance on whether it’s a human life or if the baby deserves to live. Scientist argue as to when human life begins, but God tells us clearly that He knew us even before we were born while we were in the womb He appointed us to great things.  I look back at the girl I used to be the one that rejected traditional values and thought that pro-choice sounded so fair and I realize that I was lazy.  I didn’t explore the issue deeply.  I think many of us are like the old me who get caught up wanting to sound open-minded and we form our opinions and take our stance based on fear of sounding intolerant and backwards.  Yet, tolerance is not about supporting modern choices over traditional values- it’s not about holding the popular stance because people won’t question it.  Tolerance means that I have a right to hold my opinion even if others disagree.  Yet, sadly our church is perceived as intolerable because of our traditional values.

When I came back to the Catholic Church I was a really misinformed, lazy liberal afraid to sound like a bigot.  I questioned everything about my faith and the things I didn’t understand scared me because God was challenging me to change and grow.  Slowly, with the help of my brothers in Christ (and other resources) I began to educate myself on social justice issues and I realized that love is so much more than a feeling.  To love means to make hard choices and many times to go against popular belief- always standing for truth.  Love makes us want the better for the other in this case the best for our society.  So, if you are pro-choice begin asking yourself when does human life begin?  When is a baby a baby? Explore issues with depth and an open heart. 

Center for Medical Progress

Be Holy with Others

As young Catholics it’s good to get involved in parish life somehow.  There are usually many things happening.  Today, I want to share some of the things that I have been or am involved as encouragement for you to form community because to lead successful Catholic spirituality we need to live in community.  By success I mean, being around like minded people helps us feel that we are not alone in our faith and encourages us to live holy lives.

Eucharistic Ministries- Help out during Mass.  When I first returned to the Catholic Church I became a minister of hospitality because it was something simple that I could do even though I was so ignorant about my faith.  As my confidence grew, I became a lector.  My brother is a Eucharistic Minister.  If you are musical join the choir.  There are quite a few things that you can do to help out during the most important hour of our week so get involved; young people need to see more young people involved in worship- it’s encouraging.

Young Adult Groups- Since I returned to the church, I have been involved with Youth for Christ and the SVDP Young Adult group.  I always try to be part of group of young Catholics because I need strong Catholic friendships and events to keep me centered and rooted in my faith.  It’s great worshiping and praying together or just socializing with people that share your values.  What matters is finding Catholics that are trying to live their faith in some way.

Catholic Events- I  am still amazed by all the fun events that my local parishes and diocese put together. Growing up, I always associated Catholicism as something boring, limited and confining.  I felt like the church sucked the happiness out of people with all its rules and regulations- man was I wrong!  I wish I had known sooner how much fun Catholic life can be if we live it right. Just these past few days I attended two really cool events where we ate yummy food, drank some alcoholic beverages, learned about our faith and socialized.  When I first heard about the Theology on Tap movement I was struck dumb.  The church encourages young adults to come together at a bar, drink in moderation, and socialize? Believe it or not it does! Through social media I learn about all sorts of events- like at the end of the month I will be going to see “Saint Faustina” the play. I love theatre and now I can go see a Catholic play!

Travel Groups- If you like to travel, there are ways to travel with other Catholics.  I have gone to three Catholic singles cruises with Ave Maria Trips and I highly recommend it.  It’s like a retreat, but in the middle of the ocean- with daily Mass, Adoration and spiritual direction.  In addition to many fun activites, excursions, mingling with other single Catholics and a lot of dancing.  I have also done pilgrimages with my church choir to Christian sites.  Traveling renews my faith- it’s like going on honeymoon with God.    

Service Opportunities- Being Christian means giving back to our communities or sharing our talents.  There are endless service opportunities, just think of a cause that you are passionate about and get involved.  Currently I teach RCIA for adults at my parish to the Hispanic community.  Preparing adults to receive their Sacraments and initiate into the Catholic Church has given me such joy and purpose.

There’s many ways to get involved, what matters is finding a group of Catholics trying to live their faith authentically because we all need friends to motivate and support us in our walk with the Lord.  Attend events and join groups with an open heart and pray that God places you in community with other Catholics that will help you get to heaven.    

Challenges of Falling in Love

After work yesterday I treated myself to “San Andreas” the movie.  I have always been fascinated with earthquakes- though they mostly scare me.  I remember when we studied earthquakes and volcanoes in elementary I would get pulled out of class because I would get so scared learning about natural disasters.  I’d spend hours feeding my anxiety thinking that at any moment I could die if the earth decided to erupt or shake.  As I grew up other things gave me anxiety, but they were more personal struggles, stresses about university, work, death of loved ones, relationships, etc.  To this day I still worry about things that are out of my control, even though I have God and my faith I still waste time worrying about a lot of things.  Sometimes I give my worry to God and place my trust in Him, but when I see that He’s taking too long to resolve it- I take it back thinking I am better fixing it on my own (and of course that never works).  What I have found is that worry is usually a type of insecurity.  We feel uncertain about a problem and this causes us to worry.  This tends to happen a lot at the beginning of relationships between two people.

When you like someone there’s always the fear of rejection.  This worry often comes when you are trying to give a little more of yourself to your beloved.  I experience this all the time.  First, comes the worry that you are not enough: not good looking enough, not smart enough, not fun enough, not experienced enough, not accomplished enough… Then comes the fear that maybe the object of your affections is leading you on simply for his/her amusement and distrust begins to set-in.  After comes the uncertainty that during the process of discerning a friendship with the one your heart adores he/she will find someone else and you will be stuck loving them.  Putting up our defenses follows because suddenly the person we like has turned into our enemy or at least someone we must protect ourselves from.  All of this is usually a product of our critical self, the insecure part of us that is afraid of intimacy because it requires a ton of vulnerability.  C.S. Lewis stated it perfectly “to love is to be vulnerable.”

Falling in love challenges us in ways that we don’t expect.  The more we value someone the more we have to lose and the more we become afraid of getting hurt.  And our mind constantly terrorizes us that love is not worth the hurt.  At times the anxiety causes us to withhold our affections, retreat back into our comfort zone or reject the object of our affections before he/she rejects us.  Personally, relationships with the opposite sex intimidate me because I don’t have a lot of experience.  I get scared that I will be humiliated because of my inexperience, that my weaknesses will go out on blast or that others won’t accept my high moral standards (among other things).  Sometimes I get scared due to all mentioned above, but God gives me strength and hope.  I also think of the object of my affections and I place my trust that as a man of God he will act like a godly man and that too comforts me. To love also requires a lot of humility, to know and accept our smallness just like Jesus became small for us- for love hurts, but it also heals and transforms. So, don't give in to worry trust in God and slowly in me too. 

What I Learned Praying Novenas

A friend asked me to share some tips on how to make Catholic friendships, after she read my post she wrote back that she had never thought of asking God to bring a friend into her life.  I pray about everything, even when I am in crowded parking lot I ask God to help me find a space and after I’ve found the space I pray that He helps me park without hitting either car beside me (smile).  When my dog whimpers at night because he’s having a nightmare I get up and lay my hands over his cute head and pray the bad dream away.  Prayer in the Christian life is as important as breathing.  I have developed the habit of praying novenas with friends.  In Mexico, after someone dies we come together for nine days interceding for the soul of the departed by publically praying a novena.  Growing up I remember this cultural form of prayer; thus, I find it very comforting to pray with others for a mutual intention.  While some believe that novenas hold magical power and after the nine day prayer the special intention will be fulfilled – that’s not how prayer works.  To me novenas are about praying together and developing the habit of praying with those I care.  It’s about interceding for one another and getting the saints to help too.  Also, Jesus tells us to pray for one another and to devote ourselves to prayer.

My grandma passed away when I was about five years old and I remember vividly how after the funeral we’d gather together at my grandma’s house to pray a novena.  The house was full of family and friends and everyday a different friend would bring sweet bread and hot chocolate.  Each day after praying the novena we would end by having the goodies.  Though the pain of losing a loved one is immense I noticed that by the town coming together to pray it really helped my mom and her sisters realized that though they had lost their mother they were not alone.  There was this deep feeling of unity, community and love.  I always associated novenas with death and thought that they were only prayed for the souls of the departed.  Yet, when I learned that we can pray them for the living – novenas became a favorite devotion of mine. 

Three things I have learned from praying novenas:

• The Practice is Biblical- After Jesus’s Ascension into heaven Mother Mary, the apostles and other followers prayed together for nine consecutive days concluding on Pentecost.
• Families that pray together stay together- I have prayed numerous novenas with my two cruise angels and the process really has helped our relationship grow.  Though we are separated by great distance praying together has fortified our friendship.  It’s really cool knowing that others are praying for you and vice versa.
• Ask, seek and you shall receive- Present your needs to God and have faith that He will provide knowing that it might take Him more than nine days for His time is perfect (smile).   

So, don’t feel pressured that after nine days something big has to happen- usually God works in small ways and in His own time frame.  Just enjoy praying together in unity with the saints, hopeful that God hears us and cares deeply about our supplications (smile).

Making Catholic Friendships

Father recommended a new author (Richard Rohr, OFM) he said that it was one of his favorite authors and after reading the first chapters of my introductory book I think Rohr might become a favorite of mine too.  As I was meditating on writing about Catholic friendships I came across a quote that I felt would get this post started, “Ask the Lord for companions (sometimes Jesus alone!) who will walk the highway of remembering with you, filling valleys and leveling mountains and hills, making the winding ways straight and the rough ways smooth.  Then humankind shall see the salvation of God.”  We all need Catholic friendships to inspire, motivate and encourage us in our faith.  God created us to live in community- your weaknesses are usually someone else’s strengths and together we form one perfect body.  I can quote Romans chapter twelve verses 3 through 8; each of us has a body with many members that serve a different function but together we create one body.  In other words form community- make friends and help each other out by using your strengths and learning from others to work on your weaknesses.  Good Christian friendships make God happy and are a testimony of His love.  But how do you make these bonds?     

• Pray about it- I remember the first time I went on a Catholic Singles Cruise on my own.  That first day I went out into the balcony and I prayed that God would send me a friend to spend the cruise with and sure enough after adoration I met two of my now really good friends.  After the cruise we became friends on Facebook and began to get to know each other really well. Since, we have cruised more times together and we pray continuous novenas for one another. Thanks to social media we have been able to cultivate a really warm, close friendship.
  

•  Be friendly first-  I was talking to God one day about how I liked this man, but the man seemed too shy to talk to me so I was like God please make him come over and talk to me and I heard God’s voice in my inner most being say, “why don’t you go over and say hi first.”  Sometimes we want everything to be done for us, but God wants us to get out there and try too.  Though this example is about talking to a man, I think it applies to making friends too, don’t wait around for someone to approach you.  If you see a person you find interesting and think would make a good friend go up and say hi.
  

• Attend Young Adult Functions- I usually go to young adult events because I want to learn more about my faith.  If I find a topic that’s interesting to me I sign-up for the event.  I am lucky that I live in area where my diocese and surrounding parishes offer a lot of really cool functions.  Most of the time I invite a friend to come along with me and this really helps our friendship grow because usually the topics inspire great conversation.  When no one is available to go with me and if I find the topic really interesting I venture out on my own.
  

•  Do Service Opportunities- I used to coordinate events at a senior home for my young adult group.  For over a couple years once a month I would put together a two hour visit for over forty seniors.  This helped me meet a lot of young people from my parish who had an interest in God and in serving Him.  I also helped a grass-roots effort feed the homeless in Santa Ana.  Every other Saturday a group of us met in an area where a lot of homeless people gather and served them a meal.  
  

• Join a Group- When I returned to the Catholic Church I joined a young adult association (Youth for Christ).  Here I met some of my best Catholic friends.  The group met twice a week, we organized retreats, served our home parish and participated in many social and volunteer gigs together.  We were also involved in the prayer ministry within the group.  Working and praying together for God really fortified our friendships. There’s a lot of young adult groups like Youth for Chirst (Cursillo, the Search for Christ…) talk to someone in your parish about what groups are available in your diocese.   
  

• Join a small prayer group- During Advent and Lent I host a prayer group for about six people.  Once a week we dive into the upcoming Sunday readings and then share our thoughts.  This really helps build strong relationships quickly because we skip through the shallow talk and dive into really intimate conversations.  Though my church stopped offering these groups my little group continues to meet seasonally.  I also have a couple private prayer groups on Facebook that help keep us in contact when our schedules get too busy.  
  

• Maintain the Friendships- This is crucial!  If you get through making friends keeping them is your next challenge.  I try to see my friends often because I don’t like talking on the phone.  I told you my top love language is quality time so I try to spend time with everyone I love often.  Remember important dates, whether it be a birthday, a job interview or something important your friend shares and reach out to them.  Pray together and for them too. 

Am blessed with a lot of wonderful Catholic friendships.  I found my secret is more on me trying to be a good friend than looking for a good friend.  When you first become what you want people just flock to you.

Emotional Roller Coaster

I was reading a book last night on the power of emotions in our culture.  Often we hear excuses like: “You must be true to yourself;” “listen to your feelings;” “you have a right to.”  These statements are becoming prevailing themes in our culture so much so that people who criticize the truth of these romantic expressions appear insensitive and politically incorrect.  Yet, our Christian faith is not based on feeling, but truth.  Sometimes we don’t feel loving, but God tells us to love anyway.  Sometimes doubt enters our mind and robs our peace, but no matter how we feel the truth of God remains.  I remember when I returned to the Catholic Church I sought spiritual direction.  I was telling Father that I no longer felt like God was real, that I was numb and lacked the rosy emotions that I used to have every time I approached God in prayer and that I was really depressed in addition to full of doubt.  He looked at me and said, “Faith is not an emotion- whether you feel it or not the truth of God is.”  I had come from years of therapy where my therapist constantly suggested I listen to my feelings and this statement contradicted my way of dealing with things.  I loved the fact that faith didn’t depend on me and how I felt.

Emotions are beautiful they enhanced some of the most precious moments in our lives, but they are also not reliable.  This weekend I attended a funeral and a wedding and both events produced a great range of emotions.  In addition, some days my hormones are so crazy that they amplify my feelings.  I started overthinking things and everything seemed so impossible that giving up seemed like the only option.  I felt weak, vulnerable and unappreciated. I, then acted on these feelings because they felt so real by withdrawing and creating fictitious conflict in my mind.  This followed with a good dose of fear and slowly I began to shut down.  It’s as if I was under attack and I just wanted a safe haven to hide until the interior war ended.  I know that if you are an introvert you understand how sometimes we overthink and overanalyze things until we get so lost that even if the evidence contradicts our position we still listen to our erroneous emotions.  At moments like these I just need a hug and a little encouragement because no matter how strong I might appear I too need your supporting smile.

I am a woman and bipolar – which I often describe as God going a little overboard on emotional fairy dust when He created me.  Thus, I am a very emotional person- luckily my faith has helped me become less emotionally dependent, but I still have a long way to grow.  The thing that I really try hard to do is to not be emotionally manipulative.  On Sunday, during Mass, Father mentioned a quote attributed to Saint Francis of Assisi, “I desire little and the little I desire I desire little.”  A person can be happy when nothing is expected and everything given is accepted with gratitude.  Sometimes our emotions come with this entitled attitude, “after all I do this is the thanks I get!” I look at my parents and I know that I have not always been a good daughter.  In fact, in my time I have inflicted a lot of pain, but never have they grumbled about having made me.  They get angry with my actions, but always love me and desire the best for me.  That’s God in them showing me quite clearly that love, truth and goodness are not emotions that expire when a negative feeling comes along, but endure all things.  Love is always ready “to excuse, to trust, to hope and endure whatever comes” without regard to emotional highs and lows.  Let’s pray to always remain in God’s truth and to learn to reign over our emotions.