Once
a year my therapist and I complete an annual care plan. It begins with an assessment of how well I achieved
the goals we set for the previous year.
After looking at my accomplishments or lack thereof we create a new plan
to continue my healing and progress to a more self-sufficient state (meaning no
more therapy only an occasional visit with the psychiatrist for my meds). It’s a difficult task to look at one’s brokenness
in the company of another person and this week that’s just what I did with my
therapist. Together we took a critical view
at my life and dug into my most private struggles. As we talked about chronic fatigue, my
weight, spending money, impulsivity, among other more confidential issues I
felt like a total weirdo. We talked
about simple things like hygiene, diet and exercise and how doing simple things
require so much effort most of the time.
We named the barriers that come with bipolar disorder like depression,
anxiety, mania, irritability, low energy…
Finally, we created my personal care plan with goals and monthly
targets- including reading literature on Distress Intolerance. After leaving our very productive therapy
session I felt so depressed! The session
reminded me of my weaknesses, my struggles and my brokenness. It highlighted all these issues that I have
and how much work I still need to do on myself.
It opened a door to self-loathing and self-pity. It pushed me over the edge and as I was
driving home I was thinking no man will ever love me; not with all this
imperfection, with all this craziness and abnormality. These repulsive thoughts dominated my mind
for a couple of days because I didn’t take them to Jesus I decided to swim in
the ugly pond of insecurity. How fickle
our emotions are- they toy with us and make us slaves to feeling. I cancelled my Bible Study Group because I was
feeling horrid and sat in front of my TV trying to distract myself from further
thought.
An afternoon at the dog beach!
Nothing
had changed from the moment I went into to my therapy session to the moment I
left, only my thoughts and emotions. I
went from Christ centered to self-centered.
In the first book of Corinthians God asks us to be imitators of Him. I do not
recall a moment in Jesus’ ministry where He lost his heavenly focus especially
when He faced great conflicts. Instead He
prayed. I on the other hand lost all my
joy and condemn myself to being unlovable, wow!
I didn’t rush to my heavenly Father for comfort nor did I abide in Him
instead I focused on my problems, my fears and my weaknesses. Goodness what a difficult week and all because
I lost my focus! Pope Francis said, “God never
tires of forgiving us; we are the ones who tire of seeking his mercy.” Isn’t that the beautiful truth! God, our perfect, loving Father wants us to
rush to Him always so that He can remind us that His strength is made perfect in our weaknesses so that our faith might
rest in His power. People (myself included) have a tendency to focus on the
problems and the pain, but God asks us to trust Him, to focus on Him. As a result our relationship with God
strengthens, our will becomes united to His and we become more useful to the
mission (smile). And He gives us peace
and joy. Children instinctively run to their parents when in need of comforting or faced with adversity, that's how we need to be with our Father in heaven; always running into His open arms.
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