Life Unexpected

I like watching some reality TV shows, most recently “Hoarders Buried Alive.”  Most of the hoarding can be attributed to trauma, death of a loved one or having lived in poverty growing up.  I find it so interesting how people deal with life.  When I was growing up, I always wondered how people just gave up.  I worked at Big Lot’s during college and my boss was severely overweight.  She once shared that she wasn’t always big, that in fact she used to be quite active and relatively small- but that her troubled marriage pushed her to find comfort in food.  I was just out of high school and I judged my boss poorly, judging how she allowed herself to get so big instead of addressing the issues in her marriage.  Each episode on Hoarders has people that medicate through accumulating stuff.  It’s so interesting to witness each person’s story, to learn how trauma in their lives led them to find comfort in obsessive behavior. 

While I am not a hoarder, I do see in my life how I also have addressed situations in my life with unhealthy behavior.  After my brother died and after having a mental break-down I lost a lot of my discipline.  Before I used to have so many goals and the will power to follow through.  Yet, after going through the most difficult experiences of my life – my point-of-view changed to just plain survival.  My priorities changed from accomplishment and career success to spending more time with my loved ones because I was terrified of not enjoying them while I had them.  It’s also been about stuffing myself with food when I feel anxiety instead of finding healthier ways to deal with it.  I try to not always give in to the fatigue related with bipolar, but these past years I have led quite a sedimentary life.

Initially when I had my break-down I was reading about mental health and I remember that statistically it takes years to recover from both a loss and a mental breakdown.  I didn’t want to believe it, but now I see that healing takes time.  Though we weren’t placed on earth to be successful – it’s hard to think of all the schooling that I had and to find myself in the situation I am in.  It’s hard to accept that situations out of my control have had such a drastic effect in my life, but just as the many people getting help on the hoarders show – I see that it’s never too late to make small changes to get back on track.  When I had my mental breakdown, I used to ask God why instead he didn’t take one of my legs or arms- something physical instead of my mental pain.  People can see physical injuries and be more accepting than with pains that are invisible to the eye.  Yet, this is my cross – the situation that can bring me closer to God if I allow it- my sanctification process.  On Saturday, my friend who has a mental disability was in town and I got to spend a few hours with him.  It’s always so nice to talk with him because we both struggle with our minds getting out of control sometimes, but we both try to live as normal lives as we can.  It was nice talking to someone about the job hunt and how the anxiety multiplies for people with mental disabilities.  He gave me some coping mechanisms- but I think the greatest form of encouragement is just knowing that I am not alone nor the only one that has added challenges.  Life can be cruel at times because it throws things into our lives that practically destroy us, leaving us trying to just plain survive; but our faith teaches us that all is not lost.  That suffering can be used to bring us closer to God and in the end that is the goal (smile).