When I was in fifth grade, I confided in a friend that I
liked this boy. While I trusted that she
would keep it to herself, she went and told the boy. After learning about my feelings, this boy
chased me into the girl’s bathroom shouting that he didn’t like me back
including some not very nice things. I
have always been a sensitive person, an introvert to the core and having such a
public display of rejection traumatized me for life. So, if I had crushes, I kept them to myself
for fear of this reoccurring. I excelled
in keeping my emotions hidden, so much so that I am certain none of the guys I’ve
liked have ever had the slightest suspicion of my attraction. I saw friends catching men’s attention and
smiling when they locked eyes- I saw them getting drinks bought and finding
relationships and even though I frequented the same pubs I never left with
anyone’s number. I was too afraid or
maybe too proud to dare lock eyes with anyone.
Late in college after too many drinks I asked a guy why I
wasn’t getting approached, "am I that unattractive," I spilled. He looked deeply at me and said, "guys don’t
approach you because all of you screams "don’t come my way." You sit at the bar
without smiling or ever look at the direction of a man to express interest. Guys need a little encouragement to take a
leap your way. They need to know that they can come towards you with low odds of rejection." Though I pondered at his
advice, I found that somehow, I was damaged that way- that my fear of rejection
prohibited me from showing any sign of interest…
Fast-forward to today, I am still terrified of rejection,
but my faith is teaching me to set aside that fear because if I am interested
in someone, I have to express that interest to motivate him and vice versa. Lately, I’ve had a lot of time to pray and God
is showing me that my worth is given to me by Him; thus, if I get rejected, I
am not any less me. I am not any less
valuable. He’s also slowly filing away
insecurities and showing me how showing interest looks on me. And going to a bar, locking eyes and smiling is
not my thing because I don’t want flings, I want a friendship that will hopefully
turn into more. Yet, even in a friendship
there has to be little signs of encouragement otherwise as Pablo Neruda beautifully
put it:
“If little by little
you stop loving me / I shall stop loving you little by little / If suddenly you
forget me / do not look for me for I shall already forgotten you”
I love this poem because it expresses so beautifully that any
type of relationship depends on both parties investing in one another. In showing each other interest. The friendship thrives when both parties give of one another. I also love it because the narrator captures a
possible end with hope, not crumbling in pain:
"I shall lift my arms / and my roots will set off / to seek another land"
Siempre adelante, trusting
in God's plan. Our faith shows us that even for introverts like me have difficulty expressing interest, through the fostering of friendship one can slowly let those barriers down, confident in God's plan for our lives.
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