Franciscan in Waiting

We can’t always get what we want.

I have been trying to become a Secular Franciscan for some time now and it appears like Saint Francis is teaching me a lesson on humility.  The fraternity in which I am currently undergoing formation is not the most organized.  We lost our spiritual director, after Sister Miriam retired and moved to Hawaii.  Since, we have not been able to get a replacement. Not having a spiritual director means that my profession day is not insight and I am even stuck unable to move from one stage to the next in the process. In fact, I have been stuck in inquiry (even though I attend and work in formation diligently) for the duration of my formation.  Finally, a ray of hope, today, I was actually going to be interviewed by the fraternity leaders to move to the next stage in formation, but due to the quarantined that interviewed has been cancelled.

Last time I complained about my progression being put on hold, I was told to spiritually feel like I am still growing even if I can’t partake of the ritual just yet.  I know that Franciscan spirituality is about humility, not professions, of not focusing on garnering the title that officially unites me to the Secular Franciscan Order.  I’m trying really hard to not focus on the fact that I might be the longest person in formation before profession, but to the side of me that likes to accomplish goals it’s hard to accept that I keep getting denied something that my heart wants so much.  I’m uncontrollably stuck in limbo. When I was told that the meeting for my interview had been cancelled I really couldn’t help, but laugh because again I was being told to remain put.

This Lent has been one where I didn’t have to think of sacrifice with the world in crisis, I have been forced to sacrifice just like most of us have.  Who knows when I will get the opportunity to interview again, or when I will finally be able to make my profession… I could get angry, or give up, but this trial has me feeling like the many saints who wanted to join holy orders, but were denied and how hard they persevered.  Especially Saint Therese, the Little Flower, who due to her young age was denied and she just pressed on imitating Christ until eventually she entered the Carmelites.  I am doing what’s in my control and leaving to God what only He can control.