Tune In Tomorrow

Am traveling to Guadalajara this week for a friend’s wedding- and boy do I need the short vacation.  These past couple of days I have been bombarded with activities.  During the year I teach five hour long lecture sessions of RCIA and I have to prep from zero.  I always like to create PowerPoint lessons so the planning of each takes quite a lot of effort and time.  In addition, the reason I gave up teaching is because I would get terribly anxious before every class and I still face that anxiety every time I am to lead a lesson.  This past Sunday- I noticed that I wasn’t as nervous because the night before my lesson I went to a Christian concert which was like a great worship session for me.  I think I need to invest more prayer time before each lesson.  I noticed that on Sunday I woke up less nervous than usual- but, I was stressed because after my lecture I had to dash out of RCIA class to attend my friend’s baby shower.  I wasn’t able to stick around to lead a small group and see if my talk didn’t leave my students more confused than initially, big bummer. After the baby shower I rushed to Mass and by the time I got home around 6PM I was too exhausted to take pictures for today’s post.  So, thanks for your patience (smile) and tune in tomorrow. Hugs!

Body Image: Live Your Best Life Now

Last night my friend messaged me to ask me if I would go with her to see Matt Maher at the Christ Cathedral she had an extra ticket and thought of me.  A concert for free sign me up!  So, we are meeting for dinner prior to the concert on Saturday to catch-up.  As is still January, I am still thinking about what I would like to make possible for me this 2016.  One big thing is I want to do less activities to focus on things that I have been procrastinating- in addition to just relax and contemplate God.  I mentioned that this year I want to reclaim a healthy lifestyle.  I haven’t started my diet and exercise plan yet because I am traveling middle of next week to Mexico and I want to begin after I am back from the trip.  One of my friends has been coaching the 21-day fix program and has inspired me with her dedication to achieving a healthy life change.  I am not going to lie I have tried numerous ways to lose the weight that I gained on my meds and I failed every time, but this time I think I am both physically and mentally ready.  I know it’s going to be difficult, that it’s going to require making better choices and lots of physical work, but I am ready to give it another try. 

Three challenging thoughts that I have tackled and overcome during my plus size years, that I think many of us experience and we need to be set free from:

If I accept my body as it is, I will never lose the weight: When I first started gaining weight I thought, “If I buy bigger clothes that will be me surrendering.”  For the longest time I didn’t accept myself with the added weight thinking that if I did I would become too comfortable and never try to reclaim my old body.  Yet, as time went by and the pounds remained I learned that the future and past don’t exist- the only moment I have is the present.  Thus, I could live being unhappy with my current plus size image or learn to make lemonade with my lemons.  I thought of the many real women whose style I admire and how they all come in different shape and sizes.  I also started reading plus-size fashion blogs which motivated me to look my best now.  But what really helped me was to reflect on all the women in my life- my close circle, the people that I deeply love and admire- I love and admire them for so many reasons- their physical attributes do not even make the list! Then I thought of the goodness that my body does- it gives great hugs, warm kisses, runs to meet others, shares knowledge… It works completely and I thanked God for making me without physical impairments and with the ability to do so much good if I choose to.  

“Isn’t it funny how day by day nothing changes, but when you look back everything is different.” - C.S. Lewis

My life will be better when I lose weight-  I will be able to do all the things that I have been postponing once I lose the weight is a fantasy that many of us fall victims to.  I know that for the longest time I refused to go to the beach (even when I was a size six) because I thought I was too big to be seen publically in a swimsuit.  Then one day a friend invited me on a Catholic Singles Cruise- and impulsively I said yes! When I shared I was going on a cruise one of my friends said, "wow you are brave I would never be able to go because I would be embarrassed to wear a bathing suit in front of potential suitors."  Goodness had God transformed enough to not care, that I was at my heaviest and going on a cruise where my clothing would be beach attire- yes, He had!  I was done waiting on being the perfect size to lead the life I wanted to have.  Now, don’t get me wrong sometimes I still struggle thinking no I should wait on this- until I am skinnier, but slowly God gives me the humility to let go of my pettiness and insecurity and truly live my best life now.  If you are not living better now, losing weight won’t make a difference. 

   

I’m not attractive or worthy at this size- It was really hard at first for me to think of dressing up- because I thought that I would look like a decorated piñata.  I didn’t feel attractive and thus I thought no one else would find me so.  Yet, slowly I learned that I was as valuable thin as I was heavy.  I have my days of insecurity, but for the most part I am comfortable in my skin.  My mom is great- every morning she tells me I look beautiful, and I think that’s God reminding me that no matter my shortcomings I am loved and I am worthy.  Sometimes when she forgets to compliment me, I twirl around in the kitchen and ask her if she’s forgetting something and we both laugh as she says, “muy guapa.”

God gave us life, and time slowly takes it away from us- thus we need to learn to just live and enjoy every moment, “Life is God’s gift to us, the way we live our life is our gift to God.” Make your story, your journey, your life - a life well lived! 

I have this comic framed in front of my computer monitor- 

not only does it provide laughs every day it also encourages me!

Thrifty Tuesday: Tips for Shopping at Thrift Stores

Found some red pumps - too high so I put them back.

Some years ago I read, Overdressed: The Shocking High Cost of Cheap Fashion.  The book documents how cheap fashion has changed the way most Americans dress and shop and examines the effects of a culture addicted to consumption.  Chains like H&M, Forever 21, Zara, and JC Penny… now offer the latest trends at ridiculously low prices – these low offers make discarding cheap items more easily than mending and using again.  This change has had many negative effects to the environment as well as in human exploitation.  I recommend you read it, it will change the way you shop.  For me reading this book encouraged me to continue shopping secondhand and to try to buy used only.  While I can’t always afford designer brands - thrifting gives me the ability to have quality items at ridiculously low prices – and the purchases help my community.  I never liked shopping, yet I love thrifting because unlike shopping thrifting requires effort: wandering the aisles, going through the racks one item at a time, digging through the shelves for something special, hunting for a bargain – thrifting is active, shopping is passive.  Sometimes, when I have difficulty calming my thoughts (as a bipolar sufferer) I go thrifting and while my body digs around, the physical distraction allows me to focus and be able to talk with God about everything and to listen to His voice.  Another, pro I have found it to be extremely therapeutic.  Some great prayer sessions have occurred at Goodwill & Savers (smile).  

Patience: When I began thrifting, I didn’t have the patience that it requires because real thrift stores are messy and unorganized.  Not to mention that sometimes, one can spend hours in there and not find a single purchase.  For beginners, a thrift store can be very intimidating because there’s not a lot of order; thus, a great way to begin is to zone in on a section that appeals to you and take your time looking around.  I began by zoning in on the shoe section and leaving the store usually with a really good pair of quality shoes.  As your confidence in finding deals improves continue adding other sections to rummage through. 

Look through every hanger.

Dig to score deals.  Found a hat, but didn't like the look.

Companionship: Who you shop with is important.  I like shopping alone or with my mom because we both have the same kind of shopping patterns we go our separate ways, target our areas, quickly go through the racks and leave after an hour or so.  Shopping with my sister is painful because she likes to be in any store for hours: thus, I never go with her unless she promises to be quick (smile).  Also, there’s nothing more painful than going with a friend who shops exclusively at malls because they will drag you down.  So, your shopping companion is important- I like to go on my own most of the time especially if I want to look at the book section.  I can spend hours just browsing titles.

Your Thrifting Outfit Matters: It’s important to wear a comfortable outfit because there will be a lot of walking, standing and sometimes you won’t have access to dressing rooms.  So you will need to try things on over your clothes.  I usually wear leggings and a simple shirt with easy to remove shoes.  This makes trying on things over my clothes very simple- and don’t worry this is the norm for thrifting so you won’t look like a weirdo.

Not All Thrift Stores are Created Equal:  I have a few stores that I visit regularly because they usually carry items that I love and some that I rarely go to because I never seem to find anything there.  Thus, as you learn the art of thrifting you will also discover your favorite locations.  I love a Goodwill that’s by my office it’s in the heart of Santa Ana and I always find the best things at unbeatable prices.  The location where I took the pictures for this post is in Huntington Beach and they tend to be pricier because it’s a boutique.  This store is very clean and organized, I have found many great buys there.  The store is one of my regulars, but I know that I will be paying more for items than at a regular Goodwill; thus, I really consider my purchases when I shop there.  Pricing generally varies by location.   

Scoring Deals: I have learned that my purchases need to be items that I will use.  Low prices can turn you into a hoarder.  When I first started thrifting I would buy things based on their low price and soon I had a room full of stuff. Thus, reconsidering your finds before you make them a final purchase is a must because usually thrift stores do not offer returns or exchanges.  Try things on, make sure you like the fit- with shoes walk around them for a bit to make sure they are wearable and remember that just because something is only three dollars is not a smart shopping technique. Think of how you will use it, if it will go with what you already have or if it will end just occupying space in your home.  If you plan to use it buy it, if it’s a good buy but you have no use for it then leave it for some other lucky person to find.

SALES: Yes, thrift stores have sales.  Every Tuesday at Savers and Goodwill in my area it’s senior discount day.  In addition, all stores have a color of the day that’s fifty percent off the prices marked, so look at their signs and listen to their instore announcements for the color of the day.  Sometimes during holidays they have certain items half-off, like yesterday Savers had fifty percent off clothes & shoes!

I love shopping secondhand, ninety-percent of my items come from thrift stores.  While I like to know that my purchases are helping my community and me be green- it’s also helped me mentally.  It is well known that bipolar suffers can get into a lot of debt by going on extravagant shopping sprees during Manic Periods.  Thrifting has helped me because now my shopping sprees are twenty or thirty dollar mega buys at thrift stores.  When I get the shopping crave just walking around a thrift store will wear me out because it takes effort to find a bargain.  I’m also pretty stable on my meds so I don’t go through the phases as often now nor are they as severe, but thrifting has really helped me to monitor my spending.  All of our actions superficial as they might be, can be converted for our personal betterment and for the good of others. 

Found two Precious Moments Ornaments at 2.99 each.

Lies Women Believe II: Our value according to the world

Our value according to the world depends on:

At the beach in a bathing suit for the first time in my life!

Our physical beauty, weight and youth: All the fashion magazines target women with headlines that cover these three areas.  How to look more beautiful, younger, and thinner.  They sale lies and women buy into these deceptions.  I was an avid fashion magazine, tabloid reading girl and I got sucked right in to the fad diets that in five days I could have a new body if I just followed the latest diet- no exercise or eating healthy required.  When I followed the steps and failed to lose weight I felt miserable – the reality is that losing weight is hard work and no fad diet is going to be a permanent solution.  If we want to be fit, we need to eat properly and exercise- that’s the truth… Magazines use the same false headlines to offer ways to look younger and more beautiful.  Buy this product and your wrinkles will disappear or wear these trends and you will capture the attention of any man.  We see these ads everywhere selling these ideals by making women feel that their worth depends on having smaller bodies & keeping their youthful looks while enhancing their beauty.   

 In my favorite place with my favorite dog!

 Teaching RCIA.

Supporting Mexico in world cup- curly hair and all.

Traveling in shorts!

Our intelligence and success:  Again the media tells us that we must be brilliant and pursue careers over family.  They attack the traditional family and demean housewives to antiquated, repressed women.  Prior to returning to my faith- I too looked down upon women who chose to be housewives over university or a career outside of the home.  They represented weakness to me and I pursued my education and career with the desire to be strong and independent.  My worth depended on how far I got in my goals and achievements. 

This is my uniform- comfy leggings and a roomy top.

 My uniform again.

 At my friends wedding - wearing a thrifted dress.

With Father after a great confession and spiritual direction session!

Now don’t get me wrong I am not saying that we shouldn’t work hard to achieve things that give us joy and purpose, what I am saying is that our value is not dependent on the list of qualities we possess.  At the senior home I volunteer at, I see women abandoned and forgotten by society and more sadly by their families.  If we believe what the media tells us that our worth depends on these variables then our destiny is to end imprisoned and forgotten in nursing homes once we can no longer (due to old age) produce these results.  My only living grandma turned ninety last year and she is still as much a presence in our lives as she ever has been.  We seek her wisdom and value the experience life has given her.  And though she requires care because she’s elderly and almost blind her value is priceless.  What makes her priceless is not even the wisdom she’s picked up over her lifetime- her value (like our own value) depends on one thing only: GOD.  He created us and gave us the utmost value!  He told us straight out, “I made you in my image and I chose you as my family.” Father was speaking this weekend about how each of us has a stamp that reflects that we are copyrighted by God, He loves us so much that He even stamped us with His signature “made by and belongs to God.”  Even after we sinned and broke that bond, God wouldn’t leave us to our own demise, He sent His son to earth to bear our sin. He put a price tag on us- He declared our value to be greater than the whole world.  There was no clause: only bring the beautiful, young, slim, intelligent, successful women leave the rest behind.  He came for all of us.  We were chosen by God- that’s what makes us precious; that’s what determines our value.  When we realize and accept this HUGE truth, we can love ourselves in light of knowing our flaws because the truth is that we are special not by our own merit but because God chose us.  This truth frees us to love our imperfect selves and to value others with the same degree that God does.  In my last post I wrote that I am at my heaviest, but I am content and happy- I can even dare say I like myself.  The reason is God, He loves me now as I am and He will never love me any more or less than He does right now.  Wow!  Slowly as I have spent time getting to know God- He has freed me from years of erroneous thinking and I want to emphasize that if you are low in your self-esteem go to God. Get to know Him and love your neighbor these two things will free you to love yourself. To look in the mirror and say with great confidence, “I am special because God chose me.”

With my abuelita this Christmas.

I am sharing elven photos as I did last time- only this time I can say that I liked these photos when they were taken as I do now.  They are full body pictures at my current size and believe it or not I like all of me in these images (smile). 

The nerd and her BFF.

Part One: Lies Women Believe

Lies Women Believe

It’s the New Year and the most popular universal resolution people make is to get fit- to drop those dreaded pounds…  Thus, today I want to open up about physical appearance and the lies that women believe by sharing my own struggle with self-image and fluctuating weight.  Dealing with added pounds usually has to do with more than just bad eating habits and lack of exercise; usually it’s an inner battle that needs to be won in order to make positive life changes.  I have shared (before) the chaos that my life was after I arrived in California- dealing with abuse, alcoholism, poverty, all sorts of difficult trials- these issues affected the way that I saw myself.  It wasn’t until I had been in therapy for many years that I began to accept that I was a normal girl, but for most of my life I believed I was an abnormal freak of nature.  I looked at my reflection in the mirror and I saw brown skin, brown eyes, curly hair and I felt like I would never be the ideal of American beauty.  The reoccurring compliment I would always get was, “you are so exotic.”  I hated being referred to as exotic, every time I would hear that I felt like some tropical flamingo from some foreign land on display at a zoo- I longed to be seen as standard beautiful.  Toni Morrison wrote a novel, The Bluest Eye, about this black woman who longed for blue eyes, she believed that all of her problems would be fixed if she had blue eyes.  When I read this novel in high school, I so identify with the protagonist because I too wanted to be ideally blonde, blue eye and beautiful.  Yet, I looked at myself in the mirror and I saw a distortion of me even though I was a size six- I felt like I was super fat and for most of my skinny years I always felt like a whale.  The distortion was not just in my Mexican looks, it was also in my size.  I was looking at pictures from these years while preparing this post and I remember how unhappy I would get every time I looked at these images thinking how enormous I was.  Now I see them and I see a normal kid.

In Texas- about 24.

At 21 years old.

During my teaching preschool years.

 College Years- when I sponsored my goddaughter.

When I student taught- for my 27th birthday.

How these distortions began has to do with many variables.  Coming into a new country and starting school without the language can be a very difficult, traumatizing event for a child.  I remember that not knowing the language made me an outcast, kids bullied me and I responded by withdrawing and becoming an extremely shy kid.  Dealing with an alcoholic parent and abuse in the home also affected my view of myself – I felt like I needed to hide these things.  Most of the time I felt like I was leading a double life: a perfect student at school and a child at war at home.  Add sexual abuse, poverty, mental illness to the mix and you have the ingredients for quite a distorted self-perception.  For the longest time I felt like I needed to hide the real me because no one would love a person with so much baggage.  I became a perfectionist and I was very vain.  I never left the house without make-up and looking my very best.  When I began my first relationship- I began to feel beautiful because I had a guy to validate me.  Yet, he was a guy that liked me for my physical attributes and when I started gaining weight he told me that he was no longer attracted to me and that he hated when I wore my hair curly.  These comments really hurt me and I felt like I needed to look a certain way to be loved… Yet, after the break-up I found God and things began to change.

 26 years old.

 25 years old.

Going to a wedding.

Maid of Honor for BFF's wedding.

When I had my first encounter with God I thought that religious life was what God wanted for me and I stopped dressing up, and wearing make-up.  I wanted to rid myself of vanity- yet, I went to the other extreme and became unkempt and slovenly.  Around this time I also began taking meds for Bipolar and the medication gave me strong sugar cravings – in a year I went up drastically in weight.  When I looked at myself in the mirror now more than twice my size I felt sick- I hated what I saw.  I had to learn to accept myself with the added weight.  After having a mental breakdown my physical appearance was the least of my worries.  I just wanted to gain sanity, to find and keep a job, to slowly build my life again.  It’s been many years since my breakdown and I have (through the grace of God) achieved stability.  During these years of having God in my life and learning to see Him in a truthful light - clear of distortions that I also had of Him- has helped me see myself as He sees me.  Our view of God affects how we view ourselves.  If we do not see Him as He really is- if we believe things about Him that are not true- invariably, we will have distorted views of ourselves.  I have found that knowing God has also been a great self-discovery.  I am heavier than I have ever been in my life, but I feel good about myself because I am more than my physical appearance.  God has helped me to love my brown skin, eyes and curly hair… I often tell people you see this body it’s all sweetness because of my Seroquel sugar cravings (smile).  Yet, this year I would like to begin to work on making some positive changes to help me become healthier.  I think I am ready to work on having physical discipline again and that’s perhaps another journey that I will document here, because I know that we all need encouragement.  Change is good.  

My BFF's wedding.

All the pictures I shared on this post are pictures that though I am smiling I felt terribly insecure.  They show a healthy girl- with a very distorted perception of herself.  With God all things are truly possible- now I look at these images and they make me smile... (to be continued).

Lies Women Believe II: Our value according to the world

New Year New Room

The S is for my name and the D is for my dog (smile).

Beginnings are usually times of hope.  Every start to a new year I think of the many things that I would like to accomplish.  It almost feels like a clean slate, a tabula rasa where I get another chance to paint more experiences into this life of mine.  On Christmas, I received a bird blanket that started this whole redecorating bug.  Then I went thrifting with my mom & sister and I found a quilt and pillow cases that matched… With my creativity awaken, I began to get all these ideas for redecorating my room.  A few more trips to various thrift stores around my area and a nature theme developed.  I must say that I don’t like birds in cages- those images sadden me as much as a goldfish in a bowl.  Some animals were made for freedom… Yet, my dad gave me the most amazing bird throw… So I decided I wanted the forest to invade my room and while birds would be permitted no bird in cages would be allowed.  I love parks and the outdoors- while the beach is amazing I am a forest girl.  I was born in the state of Michoacan known for its beautiful forests and much of my childhood memories involved some trip into the wilderness.  Thus, in a way I wanted to bring my childhood ideal of beauty into my room.  I wanted trees, animals and color. 

 I painted my room purple after my brother died in his memory, 

but this summer I will change the color to better suit my decorating needs.

Now the thing about thrifting is that usually you find things that you are not necessarily looking for or in the wrong color so you have to get creative.  In addition, sometimes a trip to the store won’t necessarily mean a great find and usually great finds are hidden treasures that require a bit of digging.  All these elements combined is why I enjoy thrifting.  I love the surprise of a good find and then coming home and googling how much it actually sold for gives me pleasure like nothing else.  It makes me feel smart for saving so much money.  I have shared before that I enjoy shopping second hand because it’s my way of living green - that still holds true.  A thing that many non-thrifters might not know is that some stores carry a lot of brand new items donated by retailers.  For example, all of my bedding came from Target, brand new and in its original packaging.  Even I have standards for some things like what I sleep on being in new condition (smile). 

A few DIY projects and a new night table are slowly improving my prayer area.

I have a box with prayer aids and booklets, and a small cute box to hold my rosary.

I purchased this Ethan Allen Obi Night Table on Craigslist for 50 bucks they sale for 500- what a steal.  I love the quality and the fact that it has a secret pull out board that I use for writing.

I had been drooling over a quilt set that had little trees and bears stitched on, but the quilt alone was over 350 dollars. Yikes!  So I had to improvise and get creative in ways of bringing the forest inside without throwing my money away.  God provided me my tree branch panel (which is actually a bathroom curtain that I turned into a bedroom curtain by sewing a hem for the curtain rod).  The other curtains I found at two separate Goodwill’s brand new from Target.  In the course of a few weeks I had most of the items to begin the grand renovation.  Since I sleep with a senior dog (hush, he still thinks he’s a pup) I had to lower my bed because he hurt his back a couple of times trying to get on the bed and he wouldn’t have anything to do with the doggie stairs.  So I had to accommodate my aging dog.  Now he leaps on and off with the spirit of a young puppy.  I had quite a few days off work for the holidays so I was able to go to various stores and buy little nick knacks to complete sections of the room.  So far I am done with one third of the room- the other areas needs a few more DIY projects, but am loving my new room thus far.  The rain will slow my progress since I want to paint my vanity and mirror set to match the cherry-wood-new-to-me furniture.  So, in a month or so I hope to be doing part two of the tour.  Enjoy my simple, budget-friendly, good-to-the-planet decorating ideas & be safe in the rain.  Also excuse the poor quality of the pictures- they were taken with my antique phone since my camera died and in poor lighting.    

The bird throw my dad got me and my DIY doggie toy bin for only $3.99.

2016 Changes & Ramblings

I go through seasonal changes in my pattern of activity.  Lately, I have been a homebody working on house projects.  Every New Year I change my room décor because I room with quite a handsome dog.  Sleeping with a dog means that at least once a year I must change all the bedsheets completely to keep good hygiene.  It’s quite a fun process peeling the layers of old and thinking of ways to update the place where I spend most of my time.  This year I wanted to bring nature inside, I will take you in a tour of our room later this week because I also like to do things on a budget.  This 2016 I want to incorporate other things that inspire me or at least entertain me- like crafting and thrifting- to this space.  I am thinking of a “Thrifty Thursday” regular post where I let loose my creativity in shopping, fashion, crafting- all things feminine.  Because being a Catholic woman means that I have other interests too just like everyone else. 

Making a Nature Frame: Frame $1 + Pinecones $1 = Total spent $2

When I attended my first retreat and I saw all the young people involved in running the event I seriously thought that their entire lives involved praying the rosary and going to church.  Yet, as I started forming friendships with many of them I realized that they were just ordinary people like me.  Though I try to live a good Catholic life, true to my faith I fall short all the time and am in constant need of God’s forgiveness.  Somedays I am really hard on myself and feel like a total failure in my walk with the Lord, but He picks me up again and again.  It’s important to me to live an authentic life- like Holden, from Catcher and the Rye, I hate hypocrites and I would hate to become one.  So sometimes I tend to be really hard on myself, but I find that God always finds me where I am at, accepts me and motivates to continue trying.  I am learning to be Catholic, to imitate Christ and to know God as He is and not how I want Him to be.  My conversion is ongoing and that will continue to be documented here.  But I am also a person who works full time, has family & social responsibilities, and enjoys certain hobbies- especially hanging out with one very spoiled pup.  I pray, attend mass weekly, and try to follow my Catholic faith, but I am just an ordinary girl.

My nephew drew this picture of me & Dollar a few years ago. Now it's art in my room.

When I began my conversion I hated finding out that saints were huge sinners, because I erroneously believed that saints were perfect people.  Now I love the fact that saints sinned and sometimes big time because it gives me hope when I fall; it is the sick who need a physician after all.  After reading some of the lives of the saints I realize that they loved God in ordinary ways and they also had certain strengths.  Saint John Bosco possessed a great sense of humor which he utilized to attract the youth to Christ.  He is often remembered for his joy.  I always picture him playing ball with children.  Saint Francis had a great love for nature, legend has it that he could speak to animals - he’s our very own Catholic Dr. Dolittle!  I think part of living authentically is finding those passions that God gave each of us and putting them to use, trivial as they might be.  Anyway- this post has been a bunch of mumbling probably because I slept little last night.  Every few months the Bipolarness makes it difficult to stop my thoughts long enough to sleep, but am learning to deal with it in a more positive manner.  To not let the dark thoughts dominate my spirit, but to trust in God and to get back up every time I fall just like Jesus rose three times on His way to Calvary.