How To Help Someone Who is Mourning

One of my best friends is an extrovert and she has the ability to get anyone talking and if people won’t talk she will fill in the silence.  In many ways she’s the friend every introvert needs because sometimes we have such a hard time talking that when we find a person who will do the talking for us we have found an ally.  She also has the ability to ask questions, a quality I admire, because I myself have a difficult time prying into someone’s life.  When my brother passed away she would call me two or three times a week and ask me questions that no one else had the courage to do.  What was he like? I think that question is crucial for people have lost a loved one.  There’s this need to share and remember our loved one and when someone asks, it opens a door towards healing.  My BFF is also naturally persistent she will ask the same question in various forms and not get discouraged if she doesn’t get a reply.  I am not a sharer by nature (unless it’s on paper or I know you very well) so those calls where someone asked the questions that needed to be asked and took the time to listen got me through the most difficult times of my life. 

Grieving is messy and a lot of people are not comfortable with such debilitating pain so they keep their distance.  This notion of giving the griever space is the worst thing a person can do because people in mourning need to experience the constant support of others.  Silence is the worst thing to do because it translates to I don’t care about what you are going through.  When my brother died we had hundreds of people come to the services or reach out and even so I still recall those who never showed up.  It’s weird because as an introvert when I have a problem I retreat to deal with it alone, but when my brother died the pain was so strong that I couldn’t deal with it on my own.  When someone reached out I was so grateful to be able share a little of my grief or even for the distraction.  I remember, I joined a prayer group after he died and was encouraged to go to the meetings because the leader would always give me the warmest hug.  Those hugs motivated me to leave my house because I needed the physical contact.  A warm hug says everything that words cannot.

Mourning is also a time of hyper-sensitivity because we are so vulnerable that our walls are down.  When we discover that death is the worst thing that could happen to anyone and we hear other people complaining about trivial everyday things we just want to scream.  The opposite is also true, it hurts that time goes on and good things happen because sometimes when we feel joy it can bring feelings of guilt.  I remember that when I lost my brother, I felt like the pain I carried was the last thing of his that I had and I didn’t want to let go of it because I was afraid that would mean letting go of him.  Then trying to deal with my pain while trying to help my family with theirs was too much.  So, when people reached out and gave me a chance to talk, to be sorrowful, broken me it helped share my pain.  Sometimes I questioned if my grief was too intense or too long in finding relief – so when I found people that accepted me with my heavy emotions I knew they were friends for life.

The supportive skills society offers is very lacking for those dealing with death.  Even Christians are not much better.  I guess unless you have experienced death first hand, it’s difficult to know how to be a good friend.  From someone who has survived a loved one’s passing I would say be there, ask questions, listen, be persistent, loving and understanding.